Bethlett .

 10 years...10 long but very fast years!! Okay, I admit, I'm late to the 10 year blog anniversary, like 7 months late haha but I've been busy. I can't quite believe I started writing on here over 10 years ago. About my Dad, who has now been gone 10 years as of only a few days ago! Which is mental. This pocket of space helped me a lot back then, and it continued to help a little while after but it's definitely time for me to say goodbye to this space now. It served me well back then, but like we all do, I've grown and found other things now that suit me better. You see, I couldn't express in real life how I felt back then, what I was dealing with watching my Dad with MND. So this was my voice. Then I realised oh wow I can say a lot of things here that I can't express due to fear or embarrassment and general learning things about myself etc. Who knew writing a few words on a few posts could help heal so many broken pieces. I'll always be pretty grateful fo...

147 . I love the smell of freshly cut grass I love when cherry blossom trees bloom I love when old couples hold hands I love when men show their vulnerability I love people who are creative I love seeing people with their own styles  I love when people are passionate about things I stupidly love teen rom com movies and programmes because they warm my heart I love the idea of a soul friend, more than a best friend I love the idea of being in a group of ride or die friends  I love when people are supportive, understanding and caring  I love music that has a story  I love candid photographs  I love real physical photographs  I love memories  I love when people can see beauty beyond the obvious  I love when you listen to a song 100 times on repeat because it perfectly sums you up in that moment  I love the fictional love story I write in my mind I love seeing genuine joyous reactions from people  I love so much I wrote thi...

145. I promise that the big gaps in my writing show I’m happy, instead of writing about the good times I just live them. It’s when I write you know unfortunately there’s been a dip in the road. So, here I am, currently walking through a valley. I say walking, it feels like I’m camping actually. In all honesty, TMI you may want to say, I had the coil fitted to stop the happens of anymore babies for the next 5 years. That was done in January and my mental health has been entering the pit I’m now in ever since.  I’m lost, totally and utterly lost. It’s horrible. I’ve had two big bouts of emptiness before in my life, the first time I was a young teen, my mum got very poorly and I just felt pain, the second time in my very early twenties, a phobia of mine heightened and I became a recluse. And then now, I feel no self worth, loneliness...empty, but I don’t think it’s real, I think the hormones this thing inside is creating are hurting my head. I feel like I’m a faulty pu...

143 . I’ve realised this Christmas that it’s such a bitter sweet time! I looked at my 18 month old open her presents with utter amazement and joy whilst I held my 3 month old, and I thought each year the happiness they will feel on this day will grow and grow and that will fill my heart so much. Yet, I felt a sadness, deep in my heart, that I carry everyday but it felt heavier, heavy to the point where over the Christmas days I just wanted to sit and wallow, the smiles felt forced and I felt like I had nothing to say. Silly really. In all honesty I shed a few tears over the Christmas days. Christmas is all about being with family, it’s creating memories with those you love the most so when someone is missing, even if like me, all you got was an early morning phone call, it’s missed more than ever. I couldn’t help thinking how many people find this time of year difficult, how many may find it quite lonely. But at the same time, trying their hardest to be happy.  I hope that if...

142 . I look at my girls and think ‘wow, I’m so lucky’. I admit I have a toddler who drives me crazy at times and a 11 week old who I worry about constantly but they are mine, I grew them, I love them so much. My eldest is learning words all the time, she’s growing into such an independent little being it’s incredible to witness, its shocking at how fast she is developing. I keep thinking about who she’s going to be when she’s older, what is she going to find interesting. I hope she’ll be happy. Then I look at my little fresh one and I can’t believe 11 weeks have passed already, I’m excited for every milestone that she’ll go through, when she learns to sit up, crawl, walk and start saying her first words. I wonder if ‘hiya’ will be her favourite word just like her sister.  I’m blessed. I get sad at times, I’m sad my Dad isn’t here to meet them, hold them and grow a bond with them. I wonder how he would have felt that his youngest child now has two children of her own. You d...

141 . I’m not feeling myself. Three weeks ago I had my second baby, Daisy, she’s amazing! I feel so blessed to have two daughters who fill my heart with so much love!  However, now this will be hard for me because I’m desperately trying to stop myself from feeling this way but I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve lost my happiness, I haven’t laughed in days, smiles are feeling forced and general conversation is becoming difficult. I know you’ll be thinking ‘oh post natal depression speak to the health visitor or drs’ and yes maybe I should, maybe I will but it’s up to me. Let me explain... I do not do well with lack of sleep, before children I would be vile if I was tired and I mean vile. So now with two children, a newborn and a very active toddler I feel exhausted!! If I could just sleep for a solid 24 hours I’d be tip top I just know it but that’s not going to happen. Is it too soon to rush on teenage years when they won’t get out of bed? Haha So yes I’m pretty darn tired,...

140 . It’s been some time hasn’t it? Even my husband keeps asking me when am I going to write again. Truth is I just haven’t had the words to write, yet so much is going on. Writers block I guess. I don’t know if you who don’t personally know me, know that I’m pregnant again, 8 months in fact! We’re going to have two under two...crazy! I won’t be having anymore in a hurry or at all if I get my way. I’ve struggled this time around, it’s been very painful and stressful. We got told that she was measuring small so I have been having scans every 2 weeks but I’m happy to say that the last 2 scans she has grown and gone above the bottom line woohoo! I’ve also been suffering quite badly with my pelvis, I’m good with pain but crikey it’s not been comfortable at all. I also get very intense braxton hicks most nights, so much so there have been a few occasions we have thought the hospital has been needed but I think I just know subconsciously that labour isn’t happening so I ride it out at h...

137 . Sometimes a crack in the wall will appear  It starts small but over time grows larger Eventually a section will break away Then that section needs to be rebuilt It gets rebuilt onto a fragile structure The new piece is only temporary  How long it remains intact is unknown The crack is  inevitable Sometimes a new crack appears The repairs take even longer The structure more fragile than before Which is to be fixed first? Each brick weighing heavier than the last More repairs needed More and more bricks But the wall refuses to break  The cement becomes thicker with each break The structure gets stronger The cracks never disappear  They add to the beauty of the ever growing wall Beth x

136 . It’s 8:50pm on a Friday night and I’m in bed! Rock and roll! I’m just so tired, the darker evenings make the evenings drag out so my brain is ready for bed at like 6pm.  I just wanted to update you on how things are going. Millie is sleeping through the night. Woohoo!! It’s something I’m cherishing and not taking for granted as I know it can all change instantly! I don’t feel like I have a routine, my routine is a none routine kinda routine. But it works, she’s happy and we’re happy so all is good! I sometimes doubt myself or feel like I’m a bad Mum when I talk to other mums who have solid routines, but then what I do I’m content with so I won’t fight with it.  I’m trying to teach her how to sit up, it’s not going well. She’s a strong girl but just not strong enough yet to hold herself up sitting. She’ll get there, I reckon in a few weeks we will be there and loving it!  This week I’ve pushed myself a bit, I went to the playgroup on Tuesday morning, I hated ...

135 . So thank fluff it’s Friday!!! This week has felt like a very long one. I’ve had zero baby free time and the husband has worked late a couple of nights and been to the cinema so I haven’t had that chill time I can usually get. (This is no poor me poor me btw!) Anyway! This week I took the little Miss for her 4 month check with the health visitor. I wasn’t worried about it I just wanted to get it done with.  So she was asking me about Millie etc and she’s doing really well so that was good. I told her I can’t cook so weaning will be interesting and she asked me if I knew how to peel a carrot *insert eye roll here* I quickly told her I’m no imbecile to which she apologised for being patronising. I was rather shocked myself with how quickly I snapped back, and that I even snapped back at all to be honest. Anyway, She wanted to know about me, how my body is recovering etc etc and then she asked if I was lonely, I lied...I said I wasn’t, but of course I am because everyon...

132 . Sooooooo maybe I should explain... My last post was written on a down day, quite a heavy down day so like usual I vented my feelings the only way I know how, and post 131 was created... I wrote that post 12 weeks after giving birth. 12 weeks of tiredness, stress and the creeping feeling of loneliness. I don't want you to think this is a cop out but I was very VERY hormonal. I still had not had the reoccurrence of the ol friend, lady time, so I think my body was screaming for it to happen just so it could breathe a sigh of relief. To which since, it has WOOHOO! I finally feel like a normal human being again instead of the ball of mood swings and uncontrollable anger walking around the place.  I would just like to say a thank you to those who sent me messages asking if I was okay, I am fine and dandy, just a tad over dramatic sometimes haha  I'd just like to say though that being a new mum can be a lonely job. All your friends are working and you don't have ...

131. I really want to write about some struggles I'm facing right now being a new mummy but I don't want to come across miserable alllllll the time because I love being a mum! Do I stay honest and true and just write what I feel or sugar coat the tough stuff and act like it's all okay??? 😕 Sod it!! Now whether this is a hormonal thing or if it's something deeper, the truth is, I am struggling! I've wrote before about wanting a best friend etc but it feels like it's more than that now, I feel, alone! I felt alright for the first few weeks, you are in that new baby bubble, lots of people come to visit and it's all round love but then, like now, there's none of that. This isn't about attention, people work, life is a continuous thing, I guess it's just highlighted my aloneness, my worries and anxieties about everything. I took baby girl for a walk around in her pram this morning and I just kept thinking to myself 'my god I'm so ...

130. Ironically I'm writing this on mine and my husbands 9 year anniversary (from first going out not marriage)  Relationships are difficult, marriage can be difficult and after a baby, more so. This will be quite honest in places which I'm sure will piss Rob off to no end but look, this is my outlet.  We have never argued so much in our whole 9 years like we have in the past 10 weeks! Our baby girl is our absolute WORLD but yes it has been hard on us! You never get told really that there might be a strain after a baby is born in a relationship, I pictured it to be all wonderful and bliss and the three of us just so in love all the time. I'm not saying I'm not in love all the time! Of course I am! However, what isn't ever mentioned is how tiredness and hormones and emotions can cause absolute tidal waves!  It's so daunting coming home with this little person you have only ever imagined in your mind. All of a sudden they are there, needing you to keep the...

128 . I just need a hug I need to be told I'm doing a good job For my eyes to be truly looked into For my emotions to be felt I need someone to talk too Someone to laugh with  Someone to cry too Someone to be silent with I need a friend I want to be wanted I want to be appreciated  I want to be loved  Having a baby is the most amazing life experience to be blessed with but it's highlighted how lonely I am. It's highlighted the lack of friendships I have. I'd love to be classed as someone's best friend. Every one I've had has never lasted very long. Sometimes it's been me, at times it hasn't, it's just ended.  I've lost confidence with friendships. Do I give my all to be hurt in the future? Or do I keep a distance and forever have a longing for them?  Much love from a hormonal, feeling sorry for herself, over tired, Beth xx

127 . Now, this isn't a feeling sorry for myself post (although depending how it goes it may seem that way) or a post to make you feel sorry for me. This is a what the fuck is going on with my hormones type of post!! I am angry, like all the time angry. I know it's tiredness related because I am a total bitch when I'm tired. Anyone who knows me well knows that's the truth. So at the moment this bitch side of me is no longer a side, it's a full on overhaul!  I'm thinking that hormones is probably a big factor in this too to be honest. Let me tell you why... Not only am I angry all the time, I'm also having a battle with jealousy.  This is going to sound so bonkers and ridiculous I can already hear your laughter, however. Our baby girl Millie is Robs double, literally his twin! Eyes, nose, mouth even the shape of her forehead is all Rob, this makes me green with jealousy. When I was pregnant I stupidly thought she would look like me and my...

125 . Well...Millie Rose Howlett arrived! The little miss was born at 16:22 on Wednesday 14th June 2017 weighing a solid 8lbs exact! And my god what a quick arrival she made!! Let's start from the beginning shall we? So on the Monday I woke up at half past 5 in the morning with pains in my thighs, I wondered if they were the beginning of labour but I held off calling the hospital because they were bearable and didn't have any routine to them plus I was seeing the midwife that morning for my second sweep so I really hoped she was going to say that it was starting...she said the opposite! She said nothing was happening, I still had a very long way to go and I'd more than likely be induced as I was 8 days over by this point anyway. After that appointment the pains stopped so I was sat thinking GREAT (in a very sarcastic fed up tone) but then they started again that afternoon stronger than the morning but still bearable. I did get my mum to come to my house because we ...

124 . I'm scared, maybe even the verge of being terrified. Am I wrong for feeling scared? For feeling completely out of my depth already? For even questioning if we should have done this? I feel guilty that I have that questioning, is it normal?  I'm 40 weeks and 1 day over, baby girl still isn't here, she's not even showing any desire to say hello and I'm already scared, terrified even. You'll read this and maybe judge me, wonder how could I be so naive to think it's all going to be easy. Well I haven't, I know it's going to be hard work, I know our lives are about to change forever but 9 months ago I had time to ignore the enormity of it all. Now we are days away, literally every second of everyday could be the second it all starts. That's daunting!!  I try not to expect I'm going to know what I'm doing when she's here but at the same time I don't want to look or feel useless, a failure. Everyone judges, but I don...

123 . So in a couple of hours or whenever you read this I have just entered my 35th week of pregnancy. Oh boy it's getting close now!! The third trimester has been my worst so far I think. I don't want to complain or moan because I know how truly blessed I am to be in this position however it's been tough!  I had always heard that when you get near the end you are just willing it along, and I always thought 'why?' Well for me I can't handle the stress I'm feeling and the horrendous mood I seem to always be in. I literally can not control it! I'm not a stressed person, I'm not an angry person (apart from when I'm tired) so these feelings are just very hard for me to deal with. I know I'm being a bitch but I can't stop it. I want to be my old chilled out self again!!!  I think what it is, is, I'm nesting, I want a list as long as my arm done and I want it done now! We've had our bathroom redecorated and that was the...

121 . So I'm currently 24 weeks and 4 days! Time is flying by. I feel like I've only been pregnant for 2 minutes and now we're not too far from the end result...our baby!  How is the second trimester going you ask? So far so good, there are changes that I'm noticing more and more but no matter how uncomfortable some may be I'm feeling really good. In my last post I wrote about how I was poorly, well touch wood I'm finally better, the double ear infection turned into tonsillitis, an illness I've not had since I was a kid! Another dose of 250mg antibiotics and I was soon back to myself only for a day to go by and my throat felt like razor blades again so another trip to the Drs. He refused me anymore antibiotics which I was so happy about to be honest and slowly each day it hurt less and less woohoo!! So I guess that's a change, a low immune system, as long as baby is okay I don't care, baby is life, colds and bugs and stuff are temporary.  What ...

119 . From time to time I go quiet. I'm not purposely being rude or ignoring people I just go quiet. It's like I don't have the thoughts for a fluid conversation. I seem to become comfortable with no thoughts at all.  I would say I have always been a loner, this used to bother me but now I kinda enjoy it. I enjoy my own space, being silent for a while. It doesn't mean anything is wrong it just means I'm, well I don't know what it means really.  I guess I often fight a thought in my head that tells me relationships are difficult to maintain, too much work, when really they aren't at all. I'm very capable of keeping relationships going, that shows with Rob, family and a small handful of friends. I wonder if I think this because the longer someone sticks around for the less I can pretend I'm an outgoing funny person. Like I said I'm really quite quiet and I have a lot of deep thoughts.  I sometimes think that part of the reaso...