Bethlett .

104. Today I'm having a day where I just want to be sad. The events over the past 2 weeks and the news from Sunday is all starting to hit home I think. Sometimes things happen that we have no control over. We say there must be a reason but we never find out fully what that reason is. I want to mention this because I feel I shouldn't hide from it. I don't want pity, this isn't about that. I feel like I have to process it all, and for me sometimes it's simply writing it down and then I can try and move on, never forget, just continue my life. On Sunday 1st May I found out I had heartbreakingly had a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks. May not seem much but it is everything to me. Before Sunday I had 2 weeks of worry, things seemed off. I got told I had a haematoma but was nothing to worry about, then 3 days after being told that we were told our little peanut, or seahorse as I described it had no heartbeat anymore. Heartbreaking. I have grown through a lot of situat...

74 . Pre warning don't read this if you don't want to read something written by someone wallowing in self pity!!  I have moments,moments of happiness and then boom the moment goes away and what's left is a 25 year old girl who drowns herself in self doubt, insecurity and on the verge of loathing oneself. Today, Tuesday 8th September 2015, I am unfortunately this version of myself!  I watched a video today by the YouTuber Hazel Hayes and at the end of her video she spoke about how while editing her video she watched herself in happy times unaware of what was about to happen in her life (she never mentioned what had happened btw) and I couldn't help think back to February and the months before that and how blissfully unaware I was to one of the most dramatic events that will happen in my lifetime, and how that event was getting closer and closer to happening. And it made me sad!!  We take what we have for granted, everyday we take life for granted! S...

55. I put my make up on to face the day But deep down I just want to hide away I smile to hide my frown But look in my eyes and you'll see I'm down I'll continue to laugh along But it inside feels wrong I'll join in conversation But my mind is full of confusion I want to feel like myself But something is missing That sparkle has faded in oneself It feels like I'm drifting I hope soon the pain fades That pain won't go in a matter of days I must remember your smile It will carry me for awhile I know you'll be watching me now I hope I've made you proud You wouldn't want me to cry So I promise you I'll try You will never disappear As I will hold you near In my mind and in my heart We will never be apart Much love Beth xx

50. Hello my loves. WOW we've made it to the fiftieth blog post, if you're reading this one and you've read all of the ones before, thank you for sticking with me and my public diary entries. If you are new to my posts then Hello and welcome to my life, my little world of, well, I'm not to sure...this. I'm listening and watching Sia - Elastic Heart, I absolutely love this song and I love the video! It's so incredibly powerful , I watch it without knowing what it is that is keeping me so drawn to it (maybe Shia's body...) but seriously please go and watch it, don't read the comments of the video if it's the first time you're watching it and let me know what you believe it is portraying. I won't tell you what I believe because I don't want my view to alter what you may initially feel.      I feel like it might be a good time to update you guys on my Dad. By the way, everything I write is solely my feelings and from my point of vie...

39 . Dear November We've struggled this month, we haven't been the best combo. During your month November I've been in quite a bad place, I've spent a lot of your days in tears. It's not your fault, I think sometimes when a person tries so hard to keep it together they need some time to let all those horrible emotions out. I put a lot of pressure on myself in November, I let the thoughts and opinions of others change those of my own which I believed in, and I shouldn't have allowed that. In some moments I felt backed into a corner by guilt. But I shouldn't feel guilt over situations that can't be changed. I had moments of feeling not listened  too, a feeling that keeps nesting in my brain. I've either wanted to scream at people or go and hide from everyone, both of which have negative consequences. Reflecting back on the weeks throughout you November I can see now how much my negative thoughts overwhelmed me, BOY they overwhelmed me...

32. Hello my loves. I keep thinking it's Sunday today, I don't know why but I get happy when I realise it's only Saturday. I just wanna talk to you guys tonight, I want to express any thoughts that pop into my head so I have no idea how this blog is gonna go.  First of all though, I'm listening to a band called Mallory Knox - Shout at the Moon, I heard their song on Kerrang radio this afternoon and loved it. I will probably change songs while writing this because I really want to listen to Damien Rice for some reason. Check them both out, my music taste isn't all bad I swear.  I have realised this week that I really can't express myself in the correct way to people. If I'm upset or angry about something I would much prefer to live with those emotions for however long they stick around for, rather than actually saying out loud that 'this is the way I'm feeling and you are a part of that'. I am far more worried about that persons feelin...

23. Well, hello my loves! My last two blogs have been a little different, I posted one without putting it on Twitter or Facebook because it was just a spur of the moment poem thing, not a very good poem! and my last blog I wrote because I was feeling a bit shitty about things so I thought I would target that blog to what makes me feel shitty and that is MND.  The response from my last blog 'My letter to MND' has been a bit mad really! So many of you have read it which makes me so incredibly happy and the comments I have received have all been so supportive and lovely, I thank you for that! <3  I am currently listening to Jessie Ware - Say You Love Me and the song Heart Like Yours from the movie If I Stay, both beautiful songs that I have been slightly hooked on this whole week. I urge you to listen to them :) Can I just ask, do any of you find a song that you love and listen to it on repeat until you realise you're not actually listening  any more ? And then you ...