Bethlett .

114. I was inspired today, inspired by a video by a Youtuber called Tessa Violet. Her video featured another Youtuber, who I'm slowly becoming obsessed with called Dodie Clark. Both are beautiful musicians who I'd recommend highly to you all.  Anyway, they recently made a video together called 'why I don't get excited' on Tessa's channel and I watched it and so much of it resonated to me. I'd quite like you to just watch the video yourself rather than me explain it. It's not mine to explain.  One thing that stuck out was when Tessa says 'I refuse to feel excited about anything until it's happening' when she said this I thought 'wow, it's not just me who feels this way'...let me explain. I hate, okay hate is a strong word, I highly dislike allowing myself to get excited about plans, ideas etc because I feel like if I do they won't happen. Something will pop up and stop whatever it is before it's due to happ...

109. I started my blog with the intention of building my self confidence, I wanted to put together a bucket list and slowly but surely cross each one off. I wanted to build myself up as a person, have stories to tell. It soon became apparent that my blog was destined for other things, I tried the popular blogger stuff of makeup tutorials etc but quite frankly, I'm much better putting makeup on rather than sitting and typing about my favourite products, it's much more fun that way. I soon realised the purpose of my blog was to give attention to the little voice in my head. The voice that over the years has hurt my confidence and self esteem. By giving it a platform I was able to release it all together. I now can see that I didn't need a bucket list to change me or build me back up, I just needed to quieten that voice by getting rid of it at dark times.  That being said, the darkest time so far, the illness and heartbreaking passing of my dear dad. Never would I...

90 . Christmas is a matter of days now. The most magical time of the year. True but this year it's going to be painful for me. And so many others.  Since February this year it's been a year of firsts, each one effecting me differently emotional. In a matter of days it will be the first Christmas. He won't be ringing me up early in the morning to say Merry Christmas, I won't be seeing him on Boxing Day like I always used too. I will only have my memories of him, happy ones and of course bitterly sad ones. It's the first one, it's going to be difficult but each year will get easier. The happy memories will over power the sad by miles, I hope.  I've been feeling very emotional this week, a mixture of things but the biggest is the realisation of him not being here. I thought I was alright but I'm not. I miss him, simple as that I guess. It sounds stupid but it hit me this week that if I'm to live a full life I will live more of it without hi...

77 . Hello my loves. Now what you are about to read may seem random, you may think 'why are you writing this now?' But please do continue to read. In my heart I feel like this is something I need to write.  I feel that my heart has almost healed. I feel that grief has turned into understanding and life is moving in the right direction for me now, even though it's the same as always.  So let me begin... I don't cry now my loves, I haven't cried in months and the more I think about it during the time of my Dads passing I probably didn't cry as much as others thought I would. Gosh most of them never saw me cry at all. That isn't because I'm cold or tough, it's because crying to me is a very personal thing. It's something only your own emotions understand so to me crying is something I want to keep to myself. I don't want the fuss of those around, I want to be left to feel what I'm feeling.  Although only a few people clos...

76 . I don't want to be consumed by this  The dreaded fear from this deadly kiss I don't want to be consumed by this I wake each morning with hopeful bliss I don't want to be consumed by this  Every moment I'm going to miss  I don't want to be consumed by this Weakened legs and thinning wrists I don't want to be consumed by this To lose those hugs and ability to kiss I don't want to be consumed by this My screaming mind but silent hiss I don't want to be consumed by this With moments for us to reminisce  I don't want to be consumed by this Everyone of you I'm going to miss  No, it's true, I don't want to end up like this But if I do, whatever's next will be simply bliss  I wrote this poem because I fear everyday my life may take a similar path in which my Dads life took. I fear the illness he had and I think I will every single day of my life. For a moment I felt my emotions an...

69. Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate. http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same...

61. First of all, I know it's been awhile. I've turned quite rubbish at this blogging shizniz! But oh well I'm here now so lets start... Hello my loves, oh loves I'm not listening to anything while I write this, I'm merely just sitting here with only the light from the computer screen to spur me on to write to you all. I have TWO things to say in this blog... Remember months a go when I wrote a blog titled 'This fat chicks gotta get fit'? well I never got fit BUT today (Sunday 14/06/15) I COMPLETED THE 10K!!!!!!!!! I walked the full thing, I've never ran before so I would have been stupid to think I could have ran today. Granted I was right at the back I did it, I got involved in something I would have NEVER of done before.  Some of you may think 'meh it's only 10K' but believe me loves, that's a huge deal to me, zero confident me!! I saw people I knew and I still cracked on with it. There where moments as I was walking along wher...

60. Good evening loves, how are you? I'm good thank you, I'm currently sat here with wet hair listening to a song I heard on Catfish The TV Show, its called Over by a band called Johnnyswim, it's a bit depressing really but nice at the same time. I know I'm weird and I have weird taste in music but oh well in the words of Shirley Bassey I am who I am. I wanted to write to you today to tell you about the walk I did yesterday (Sunday) myself and others from work plus Rob and our friend, we all joined in with the Humber Bridge Walk, some of you may remember we did this walk last year and it was great. This time was no different, it was fabtab!! I loved seeing the sea of blue everyone was in, I've never liked the colour more!! Oh loves I wish we could all get together and walk it together, or walk something greater that would be pretty lovely! There we are look :) doing our bit. There were a lot of people there, lots of children and dogs. It felt like a prop...

Dear you, The person reading this, someone who may be fighting, someone who might be caring or simply someone curious. My name is Beth Aboe-Howlett, I'm 24 years young (ignore the wrinkles) I'm writing this to encourage you, I'm writing this to share the pain and understand how you feel. I am not a fighter, I'm the daughter of someone who fought, but sadly the battle was too strong. This only happened a few months ago and I feel okay. My life has changed dramatically, I don't think anything prepares you for when you lose a parent but my life must carry on and I must grow from it. This is why I'm writing you this letter, to encourage you to enjoy your life, no matter how long you have or how difficult it will be at times. We must live our lives to create them. If you are reading this and you are struggling, with anything going on right now please believe me that things don't remain this bad forever, even in the shittiest of situations like my Dad, where...

59. Hello my loves, I hope you guys are still interested in my blog. I know I haven't wrote to you for a month now but I think I needed some time, time to calm down a little bit. The last time we spoke I was a ball of anxiety and I was struggling but I feel now that the anxiety has fizzled a little bit and I'm feeling pretty okay.  I wanted to write again because I miss it, I miss the feeling that people are getting to know me a little bit. I miss voicing (typing) the voice in my head that never shuts up! And really I missed you guys. So, lets crack on shall we? This wouldn't be a blog post without me telling you who I'm listening to now would it?! JAMES BAY of course, woah I love this guy! So if anyone feels like buying me a gig ticket for him one day please feel free too I honestly won't mind :) I believe I told you guys me and Roberto bought a house, well we are now living here :D this is our third week in our little home and I absolutely love it. For quite...

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible.  Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. ...

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him.  I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes.  I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music.  But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid.  An influx of...

52 . How exhausting must it be to choke everyday, How scary must it be to be faced with food, How frustrating must it be not to be understood, How lonely must it be when you have no voice, How worrying must it be when you have no immune system, How frightening must it be to fall over for no reason, How annoying must it be to feel an itch and not be able to scratch it, How draining must it be to feel weak all the time, How upsetting must it be to feel your freedom slowly slip away? They are so unbelievably strong when they go through all of this, They are so unbelievably brave. People become the strongest versions of themselves when faced with great difficulty,   People become incredibly connected when their surrounded by a great communi ty. Much love Beth xx

51. Hello my loves, I know I know, it feels like forever! After my post 50 my mind has been a little bit all over the place... Firstly though let me just tell you who I'm listening too, James Bay, he is without a doubt becoming one of my favourite singers! I'm listening to the song Let It Go and NO it's not a cover of that bloody Frozen song! But please please go listen to him, he's slightly beautiful. I'm sitting here with my super duper lovely blanket wrapped around me to keep me warm but I find, I don't know if others will as well but I get all snuggled and warm and then all of a sudden I become so uncomfortable I need to move meaning the blanket moves and I become cold again, or I end up needing a wee *giggle*.  So, I guess I should explain my absence? Post 50 was pretty intense and open for me to write, giving you all an update on Dad, well a few people told me that it upset them, or it made them cry etc and I felt bad for doing that. I never want w...