Bethlett .

141 . I’m not feeling myself. Three weeks ago I had my second baby, Daisy, she’s amazing! I feel so blessed to have two daughters who fill my heart with so much love!  However, now this will be hard for me because I’m desperately trying to stop myself from feeling this way but I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve lost my happiness, I haven’t laughed in days, smiles are feeling forced and general conversation is becoming difficult. I know you’ll be thinking ‘oh post natal depression speak to the health visitor or drs’ and yes maybe I should, maybe I will but it’s up to me. Let me explain... I do not do well with lack of sleep, before children I would be vile if I was tired and I mean vile. So now with two children, a newborn and a very active toddler I feel exhausted!! If I could just sleep for a solid 24 hours I’d be tip top I just know it but that’s not going to happen. Is it too soon to rush on teenage years when they won’t get out of bed? Haha So yes I’m pretty darn tired,...

140 . It’s been some time hasn’t it? Even my husband keeps asking me when am I going to write again. Truth is I just haven’t had the words to write, yet so much is going on. Writers block I guess. I don’t know if you who don’t personally know me, know that I’m pregnant again, 8 months in fact! We’re going to have two under two...crazy! I won’t be having anymore in a hurry or at all if I get my way. I’ve struggled this time around, it’s been very painful and stressful. We got told that she was measuring small so I have been having scans every 2 weeks but I’m happy to say that the last 2 scans she has grown and gone above the bottom line woohoo! I’ve also been suffering quite badly with my pelvis, I’m good with pain but crikey it’s not been comfortable at all. I also get very intense braxton hicks most nights, so much so there have been a few occasions we have thought the hospital has been needed but I think I just know subconsciously that labour isn’t happening so I ride it out at h...

137 . Sometimes a crack in the wall will appear  It starts small but over time grows larger Eventually a section will break away Then that section needs to be rebuilt It gets rebuilt onto a fragile structure The new piece is only temporary  How long it remains intact is unknown The crack is  inevitable Sometimes a new crack appears The repairs take even longer The structure more fragile than before Which is to be fixed first? Each brick weighing heavier than the last More repairs needed More and more bricks But the wall refuses to break  The cement becomes thicker with each break The structure gets stronger The cracks never disappear  They add to the beauty of the ever growing wall Beth x

136 . It’s 8:50pm on a Friday night and I’m in bed! Rock and roll! I’m just so tired, the darker evenings make the evenings drag out so my brain is ready for bed at like 6pm.  I just wanted to update you on how things are going. Millie is sleeping through the night. Woohoo!! It’s something I’m cherishing and not taking for granted as I know it can all change instantly! I don’t feel like I have a routine, my routine is a none routine kinda routine. But it works, she’s happy and we’re happy so all is good! I sometimes doubt myself or feel like I’m a bad Mum when I talk to other mums who have solid routines, but then what I do I’m content with so I won’t fight with it.  I’m trying to teach her how to sit up, it’s not going well. She’s a strong girl but just not strong enough yet to hold herself up sitting. She’ll get there, I reckon in a few weeks we will be there and loving it!  This week I’ve pushed myself a bit, I went to the playgroup on Tuesday morning, I hated ...

131. I really want to write about some struggles I'm facing right now being a new mummy but I don't want to come across miserable alllllll the time because I love being a mum! Do I stay honest and true and just write what I feel or sugar coat the tough stuff and act like it's all okay??? 😕 Sod it!! Now whether this is a hormonal thing or if it's something deeper, the truth is, I am struggling! I've wrote before about wanting a best friend etc but it feels like it's more than that now, I feel, alone! I felt alright for the first few weeks, you are in that new baby bubble, lots of people come to visit and it's all round love but then, like now, there's none of that. This isn't about attention, people work, life is a continuous thing, I guess it's just highlighted my aloneness, my worries and anxieties about everything. I took baby girl for a walk around in her pram this morning and I just kept thinking to myself 'my god I'm so ...

124 . I'm scared, maybe even the verge of being terrified. Am I wrong for feeling scared? For feeling completely out of my depth already? For even questioning if we should have done this? I feel guilty that I have that questioning, is it normal?  I'm 40 weeks and 1 day over, baby girl still isn't here, she's not even showing any desire to say hello and I'm already scared, terrified even. You'll read this and maybe judge me, wonder how could I be so naive to think it's all going to be easy. Well I haven't, I know it's going to be hard work, I know our lives are about to change forever but 9 months ago I had time to ignore the enormity of it all. Now we are days away, literally every second of everyday could be the second it all starts. That's daunting!!  I try not to expect I'm going to know what I'm doing when she's here but at the same time I don't want to look or feel useless, a failure. Everyone judges, but I don...

107. Do you ever feel like you're screaming but there's no noise? It's raining but no one gets wet? And everything happens at once but nothing happens at all?  You sit on the edge of your bed holding your head, your hands sometimes feel like the only thing keeping your head high. The rest of the body just wants to be like a pile of clothes on the floor messy and serving no purpose. But there.  Each day is your battle, winning is making it to bedtime. Each day fighting to survive. That's what life is isn't it? A fight? Sometimes against others but mainly against yourself? Yes?...No?  Your brain gets fuzzy, your body gets tense, your thoughts get chaotic, your voice is loud but as quiet as a mouse. Your mind is always catching up or racing far ahead. It never understands.  You feel like standing in a empty room and letting your body go mental, like those intense singers in bands who let it all go, sometimes...most times that's what you need to...

103. Hello old friend...let's face it, you never really go away do you?  You seem to have appeared again today. Something I wasn't expecting. Why do you sit in the background for so long? Why do you just appear? When are you going to leave me alone? I have an illness that can't be seen I have an illness some people don't believe, something that makes me crumble, makes me sad and makes me want to run away. But I can't run, because you follow me old friend.  Why do you create a storm in my brain? I feel like you laugh while you do it. You know the results of your presence and you love to carry on...I hate it. You make me so weak. You've took and you continue to take my life. The things I enjoy, you've replaced them with crippling fear. A fear of something so irrational it makes others laugh. Sometimes I laugh about it to myself, I laugh at how stupid it is. But you won't let me forget it. You don't let me think straight, my tornado brain is a...

88 . I wake up everyday and I fight an irrational fear that lives at the back of my mind. Some days the fight is a tough one, it turns me into a mess. Other days I seem to be calm enough to not let it bother me. But it's always there. I have an irrational phobia to something people wouldn't even think about, but it's more common than you'd think. It makes me cry, it makes me itch, it makes me want to run away. And sometimes, only sometimes it makes me not want to fight it anymore, it makes me think it's about to win.  It's hard to explain what it does to me, how it makes me feel. The only way I can explain it is imagine you are trapped in a room that has no doors, no escape and you are with your greatest fear, whether that be a spider or a clown. Just imagine that. How scary would that be? Now imagine that feeling you would feel, imagine feeling that feeling multiple times a day, every single day of your life. I know it sounds dramatic but that'...

86. " Sometimes quiet is violent"  Car Radio, Twenty One Pilots Our minds are so powerful they have no limits. There's no end to what you can imagine. There's no barrier, which is amazing but also scary.  Sometimes silence can be deafening. The sound of our own thoughts going around and around can be the loudest place on earth. When sometimes all we want is for it to be quiet. I find that when I'm by myself with no music to distract me, no television I get lost in my mind, I think of things I thought I forgot. I remember moments of my life I wish never happened.  Sometimes it's painful. Thoughts can make us sad, they can reveal the darkest parts of our mind and bring them to the forefront to sit there and niggle away. We don't benefit from them, they're just there. And some people don't know what to do with them. They have no way to channel them.  Sometimes, Silence can be torturous.  A silent person doe...

81 .  Good evening loves, how are you? I'm okay, I'm just sat watching XFactor, I'm having to stay up late tonight because I'm desperate to watch WWE Hell In A Cell which is at midnight. Are any of my you watching it? Or if you are reading this from the future did you watch it? What did you think?  I want to write something that speaks to people, but I don't want to seem like a really miserable person. The truth is, I'm just really deep sometimes. I like in depth conversation and I like to write what is deep in my soul and sometimes that stuff is a bit intense and boring. I'm sorry.  I enjoy writing poems that some may be able to relate too. I like to be honest with my feelings because I feel that's safe. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever sit in a daydream and question everything? I do. I question what my life would be like if I chose all the opposite choices to what I chose, not because I feel I have an unhappy life, I don't, I jus...

79 . I'm lost in the sound of the water. As it flows freely with only one direction for it to follow.  I'm lost in the music that each day creates. The birds singing and the wind rustling the leaves on the trees. It distracts me. A distraction that I beg to have. I need the distraction each moment. My mind is lost sometimes. My mind is lost right now. I'm the opposite of the water. I have no direction to go in. I have nothing to follow, only my daily routine which pushes me when disrupted, it tests me. It's testing right now.  I hate the feeling when your body wants to scream but equally cry at the same time. My body can't decide and I can't direct it.  I wish I was like the water, I wish I knew where to go, I wish my life could decide where it wants to go. Until I decide I shall lose myself further with the water, with the trees. I will appreciate what this world has to offer. I will get myself on track. I don'...

74 . Pre warning don't read this if you don't want to read something written by someone wallowing in self pity!!  I have moments,moments of happiness and then boom the moment goes away and what's left is a 25 year old girl who drowns herself in self doubt, insecurity and on the verge of loathing oneself. Today, Tuesday 8th September 2015, I am unfortunately this version of myself!  I watched a video today by the YouTuber Hazel Hayes and at the end of her video she spoke about how while editing her video she watched herself in happy times unaware of what was about to happen in her life (she never mentioned what had happened btw) and I couldn't help think back to February and the months before that and how blissfully unaware I was to one of the most dramatic events that will happen in my lifetime, and how that event was getting closer and closer to happening. And it made me sad!!  We take what we have for granted, everyday we take life for granted! S...

66. Hello my loves, how are you? My last post bizarrely got over 300 views!!! It wasn't even anything special but I am very grateful for all of you who read it, or maybe that one person who just pressed the refresh key a bunch of times 😝  I want to address something with you, something you've all more than likely picked up on by now but I wanna talk about it anyway.... I don't fit it, I just don't! Socially I struggle, sometimes I think I've got the hang of it, I've mastered being interesting, being funny, being someone somebody else wants to hang out with but other times I feel like a lost pup, no sense of what I want to say, literally zero thoughts to be articulated for conversation. I turn into a boring blob of human existence. Why? Good question, I DONT KNOW!!!!  At work I talk to customers as if they are my best mate, I don't know their names but for those few minutes I'm in their presence I'm the best version of myself. However...

65 . Hello my loves, it's been awhile hasn't it? Nothing exciting has been happening to be honest, I've just been quiet. You know by now I have these lulls from time to time. I realised the other day that ive been writing to you all for a whole year now!! Can you believe it? I can't! It's gone by so quickly, a little too quick. Can I reflect on the year please? Thank you I will... I started writing to you with the intention of over coming fears, creating a bucket list and ticking the list off as I defined the odds and smashed through my comfort zone. That was my intention. The reality is, my fears only grew and no list was created and nothing was ticked off. Instead writing to you became my platform to empty the mess inside of  my head and basically writing to you stopped me from becoming insane.  I think we all have moments where my minds become a little fuzzy, a little bit too much is happening to juggle. I've had many moments like that in this...

64 . I guess we never really have a path in life, nothing is as easy as we want to be and sometimes not worth all the effort we put into it. Life is a complete mind fuck but it's bloody amazing.  We dream of big things, the dream house, the perfect wedding the perfect prince or princess but those pictures in our minds are fabricated and blown way way over the top. One day we realise that the little house we live in with the annoying person we share it with is our dream come true. That is our little bubble of 'perfect' because it's completely and utterly imperfect and we'd change so much but really deep down, we probably wouldn't change a thing.  Life is ultimately a mine field, we constantly tread carefully because we d on't want it to blow up. But life does blow up, we blow up. We need those explosive moments we avoid to happen so that we have something to learn from, something to pass on to others as words of advise; little tiny snippets of our...

59. Hello my loves, I hope you guys are still interested in my blog. I know I haven't wrote to you for a month now but I think I needed some time, time to calm down a little bit. The last time we spoke I was a ball of anxiety and I was struggling but I feel now that the anxiety has fizzled a little bit and I'm feeling pretty okay.  I wanted to write again because I miss it, I miss the feeling that people are getting to know me a little bit. I miss voicing (typing) the voice in my head that never shuts up! And really I missed you guys. So, lets crack on shall we? This wouldn't be a blog post without me telling you who I'm listening to now would it?! JAMES BAY of course, woah I love this guy! So if anyone feels like buying me a gig ticket for him one day please feel free too I honestly won't mind :) I believe I told you guys me and Roberto bought a house, well we are now living here :D this is our third week in our little home and I absolutely love it. For quite...

57. My life wants to be lived My thoughts want to be heard My body wants to be free My life wants to be lived My mind wants to be clear My body wants to be strong My life wants to be lived My mind wants to be calm My body wants to be steady My life wants to be lived My mind wants to be rid of anxiety My body wants to confident My life wants to be lived. Hello my loves, I'm listening to Oh Wonder - All We Do, it won't be everyone's taste but I find it quite moving. I wrote this poem while listening to it. I've told you loves about my anxieties and what I fear, I don't have panic attacks but I do have anxiety, anxiety that stops me everyday from things. I had a light bulb moment one day last week and realised just how much I let my worries control my life. And I've noticed that the worries get worse when my mood is in a low place.  Someone offered me a bite of a hot cross bun the other day because I said I have never trie...

32. Hello my loves. I keep thinking it's Sunday today, I don't know why but I get happy when I realise it's only Saturday. I just wanna talk to you guys tonight, I want to express any thoughts that pop into my head so I have no idea how this blog is gonna go.  First of all though, I'm listening to a band called Mallory Knox - Shout at the Moon, I heard their song on Kerrang radio this afternoon and loved it. I will probably change songs while writing this because I really want to listen to Damien Rice for some reason. Check them both out, my music taste isn't all bad I swear.  I have realised this week that I really can't express myself in the correct way to people. If I'm upset or angry about something I would much prefer to live with those emotions for however long they stick around for, rather than actually saying out loud that 'this is the way I'm feeling and you are a part of that'. I am far more worried about that persons feelin...