Bethlett .

147 . I love the smell of freshly cut grass I love when cherry blossom trees bloom I love when old couples hold hands I love when men show their vulnerability I love people who are creative I love seeing people with their own styles  I love when people are passionate about things I stupidly love teen rom com movies and programmes because they warm my heart I love the idea of a soul friend, more than a best friend I love the idea of being in a group of ride or die friends  I love when people are supportive, understanding and caring  I love music that has a story  I love candid photographs  I love real physical photographs  I love memories  I love when people can see beauty beyond the obvious  I love when you listen to a song 100 times on repeat because it perfectly sums you up in that moment  I love the fictional love story I write in my mind I love seeing genuine joyous reactions from people  I love so much I wrote thi...

146 . It's nearly the end of 2019, it's nearly the end of this decade. Sometimes when thinking about life and what I do I see it all as very dull, very simple and not a lot happens. But as I think back about each year of this past decade, things have happened, major things. It hasn't been as dull as I first thought. I dont need to tell you this but I just deleted a whole section I had written. I was going to write about each year from 2010 to now and highlight what happened in that year but I wasn't liking how it was going... In these past 10 years I have suffered with crippling anxiety leading to making myself highly reclusive, I crawled out of that and sought help. I got a job, I enjoyed that job, I gained confidence in that job, I felt liked in that job. I went on my first holiday abroad, saw things I'd only ever dreamt of. I got engaged. I got married. I lost my Dad. I bought a house. I got a new job. I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I go...

141 . I’m not feeling myself. Three weeks ago I had my second baby, Daisy, she’s amazing! I feel so blessed to have two daughters who fill my heart with so much love!  However, now this will be hard for me because I’m desperately trying to stop myself from feeling this way but I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve lost my happiness, I haven’t laughed in days, smiles are feeling forced and general conversation is becoming difficult. I know you’ll be thinking ‘oh post natal depression speak to the health visitor or drs’ and yes maybe I should, maybe I will but it’s up to me. Let me explain... I do not do well with lack of sleep, before children I would be vile if I was tired and I mean vile. So now with two children, a newborn and a very active toddler I feel exhausted!! If I could just sleep for a solid 24 hours I’d be tip top I just know it but that’s not going to happen. Is it too soon to rush on teenage years when they won’t get out of bed? Haha So yes I’m pretty darn tired,...

140 . It’s been some time hasn’t it? Even my husband keeps asking me when am I going to write again. Truth is I just haven’t had the words to write, yet so much is going on. Writers block I guess. I don’t know if you who don’t personally know me, know that I’m pregnant again, 8 months in fact! We’re going to have two under two...crazy! I won’t be having anymore in a hurry or at all if I get my way. I’ve struggled this time around, it’s been very painful and stressful. We got told that she was measuring small so I have been having scans every 2 weeks but I’m happy to say that the last 2 scans she has grown and gone above the bottom line woohoo! I’ve also been suffering quite badly with my pelvis, I’m good with pain but crikey it’s not been comfortable at all. I also get very intense braxton hicks most nights, so much so there have been a few occasions we have thought the hospital has been needed but I think I just know subconsciously that labour isn’t happening so I ride it out at h...

138 . What a year! The first 6 months where lived by a very angry hormonal mess! I’m pretty sure most people couldn’t wait to get away from me, I had zero tolerance for anything! So during this time we got new carpets and our bathroom redecorated and the second bedroom turned into a nursery, even though all these things were my idea, my goodness they added to the uncontrollable rage I seemed to have developed... Those first 6 months consisted of me wanting to buy every single baby related item I saw, baby scans and test and a belly that grew and grew to the point where I alternated 4 or 5 dresses I had as they where the only things that fit, and when they became too tight I ended up basically living in a maxi dress and pjs! Then June appeared, the month I became a mummy, a long 10 days later than I should have but anyway, 3 days of contractions followed by a 2 hour ‘active’ labour! At 16:22 on June 14th my life forever changed and I became a mummy! Amazing. The ...

136 . It’s 8:50pm on a Friday night and I’m in bed! Rock and roll! I’m just so tired, the darker evenings make the evenings drag out so my brain is ready for bed at like 6pm.  I just wanted to update you on how things are going. Millie is sleeping through the night. Woohoo!! It’s something I’m cherishing and not taking for granted as I know it can all change instantly! I don’t feel like I have a routine, my routine is a none routine kinda routine. But it works, she’s happy and we’re happy so all is good! I sometimes doubt myself or feel like I’m a bad Mum when I talk to other mums who have solid routines, but then what I do I’m content with so I won’t fight with it.  I’m trying to teach her how to sit up, it’s not going well. She’s a strong girl but just not strong enough yet to hold herself up sitting. She’ll get there, I reckon in a few weeks we will be there and loving it!  This week I’ve pushed myself a bit, I went to the playgroup on Tuesday morning, I hated ...

135 . So thank fluff it’s Friday!!! This week has felt like a very long one. I’ve had zero baby free time and the husband has worked late a couple of nights and been to the cinema so I haven’t had that chill time I can usually get. (This is no poor me poor me btw!) Anyway! This week I took the little Miss for her 4 month check with the health visitor. I wasn’t worried about it I just wanted to get it done with.  So she was asking me about Millie etc and she’s doing really well so that was good. I told her I can’t cook so weaning will be interesting and she asked me if I knew how to peel a carrot *insert eye roll here* I quickly told her I’m no imbecile to which she apologised for being patronising. I was rather shocked myself with how quickly I snapped back, and that I even snapped back at all to be honest. Anyway, She wanted to know about me, how my body is recovering etc etc and then she asked if I was lonely, I lied...I said I wasn’t, but of course I am because everyon...

130. Ironically I'm writing this on mine and my husbands 9 year anniversary (from first going out not marriage)  Relationships are difficult, marriage can be difficult and after a baby, more so. This will be quite honest in places which I'm sure will piss Rob off to no end but look, this is my outlet.  We have never argued so much in our whole 9 years like we have in the past 10 weeks! Our baby girl is our absolute WORLD but yes it has been hard on us! You never get told really that there might be a strain after a baby is born in a relationship, I pictured it to be all wonderful and bliss and the three of us just so in love all the time. I'm not saying I'm not in love all the time! Of course I am! However, what isn't ever mentioned is how tiredness and hormones and emotions can cause absolute tidal waves!  It's so daunting coming home with this little person you have only ever imagined in your mind. All of a sudden they are there, needing you to keep the...

128 . I just need a hug I need to be told I'm doing a good job For my eyes to be truly looked into For my emotions to be felt I need someone to talk too Someone to laugh with  Someone to cry too Someone to be silent with I need a friend I want to be wanted I want to be appreciated  I want to be loved  Having a baby is the most amazing life experience to be blessed with but it's highlighted how lonely I am. It's highlighted the lack of friendships I have. I'd love to be classed as someone's best friend. Every one I've had has never lasted very long. Sometimes it's been me, at times it hasn't, it's just ended.  I've lost confidence with friendships. Do I give my all to be hurt in the future? Or do I keep a distance and forever have a longing for them?  Much love from a hormonal, feeling sorry for herself, over tired, Beth xx

127 . Now, this isn't a feeling sorry for myself post (although depending how it goes it may seem that way) or a post to make you feel sorry for me. This is a what the fuck is going on with my hormones type of post!! I am angry, like all the time angry. I know it's tiredness related because I am a total bitch when I'm tired. Anyone who knows me well knows that's the truth. So at the moment this bitch side of me is no longer a side, it's a full on overhaul!  I'm thinking that hormones is probably a big factor in this too to be honest. Let me tell you why... Not only am I angry all the time, I'm also having a battle with jealousy.  This is going to sound so bonkers and ridiculous I can already hear your laughter, however. Our baby girl Millie is Robs double, literally his twin! Eyes, nose, mouth even the shape of her forehead is all Rob, this makes me green with jealousy. When I was pregnant I stupidly thought she would look like me and my...

126 . Oh 3:30 in the morning, I'm getting used to meeting you everyday. A time I never thought I'd be very fond of in all honestly. Actually I'm not over enthralled to see you most days, i'd much rather be basking in the vast variety of my dreamland imagination. But it's just not meant to be right now. Instead I lie here on my bed trying desperately to settle my baby on my chest so that she can sleep for another 3 hours but more importantly, so I can sleep another 3 hours. Problem is, like now I'm being tricked into believing she has fallen asleep but I know as soon as I go to move this beautiful bean of life I've created, she'll be wide awake chatting to herself in her native baby language making it totally impossible for me to catch those much needed 3 hours!  Although in my mind I'm wishing I was in the position my husband is in right now, fast asleep, I do enjoy this quiet time me and the little one have together. Where she feels lik...

125 . Well...Millie Rose Howlett arrived! The little miss was born at 16:22 on Wednesday 14th June 2017 weighing a solid 8lbs exact! And my god what a quick arrival she made!! Let's start from the beginning shall we? So on the Monday I woke up at half past 5 in the morning with pains in my thighs, I wondered if they were the beginning of labour but I held off calling the hospital because they were bearable and didn't have any routine to them plus I was seeing the midwife that morning for my second sweep so I really hoped she was going to say that it was starting...she said the opposite! She said nothing was happening, I still had a very long way to go and I'd more than likely be induced as I was 8 days over by this point anyway. After that appointment the pains stopped so I was sat thinking GREAT (in a very sarcastic fed up tone) but then they started again that afternoon stronger than the morning but still bearable. I did get my mum to come to my house because we ...

123 . So in a couple of hours or whenever you read this I have just entered my 35th week of pregnancy. Oh boy it's getting close now!! The third trimester has been my worst so far I think. I don't want to complain or moan because I know how truly blessed I am to be in this position however it's been tough!  I had always heard that when you get near the end you are just willing it along, and I always thought 'why?' Well for me I can't handle the stress I'm feeling and the horrendous mood I seem to always be in. I literally can not control it! I'm not a stressed person, I'm not an angry person (apart from when I'm tired) so these feelings are just very hard for me to deal with. I know I'm being a bitch but I can't stop it. I want to be my old chilled out self again!!!  I think what it is, is, I'm nesting, I want a list as long as my arm done and I want it done now! We've had our bathroom redecorated and that was the...

122 . Week 26 and the third trimester is slowly creeping up!! Meaning baby girl isn't far away from making her dramatic entrance!!  There's just a few things I want to talk about. Pregnancy is a very exciting time but there are annoyances... I LOVE when she kicks, absolutely love it, however, there are times of the day and places in my body where her kicks aren't as appreciated. These being while I'm trying to get to sleep and her kicks that feel so low down I could almost shake her hands and feet! Oo they are uncomfortable kicks I tell ya! And when these types of kicks happen at the time I'm trying to drift off, well, it's just ANNOYING haha.  I love when she kicks me during the day, it's like a little hello every now and again, they kinda make me realise that I have this beautiful human growing inside of me yet it feels so bizarre. Something I wouldn't know how to explain. Occasionally when she's kicking my belly looks like it's d...

121 . So I'm currently 24 weeks and 4 days! Time is flying by. I feel like I've only been pregnant for 2 minutes and now we're not too far from the end result...our baby!  How is the second trimester going you ask? So far so good, there are changes that I'm noticing more and more but no matter how uncomfortable some may be I'm feeling really good. In my last post I wrote about how I was poorly, well touch wood I'm finally better, the double ear infection turned into tonsillitis, an illness I've not had since I was a kid! Another dose of 250mg antibiotics and I was soon back to myself only for a day to go by and my throat felt like razor blades again so another trip to the Drs. He refused me anymore antibiotics which I was so happy about to be honest and slowly each day it hurt less and less woohoo!! So I guess that's a change, a low immune system, as long as baby is okay I don't care, baby is life, colds and bugs and stuff are temporary.  What ...

I 120 . It's 2017, I'm currently lied on the sofa watching Tipping Point whilst fighting an awful cold and a double ear infection. They say, start as you mean to go on but I do not want 12 months of illnesses thank you very much!!!  I haven't written in a long time so you have no idea what is going on in my life, well....IM PREGNANT, currently mid way through my 18th week. My belly is growing, I'm feeling flickers and I'm truly happy.  The first trimester was not fun!! I didn't suffer with morning sickness but I did suffer from a complete lack of appetite, so much so I almost lost a stone in weight. Weight that I haven't yet gained back. I'm quite enjoying seeing and being able to feel my cheek bones for the first time ever if I'm totally honest with you but I'm aware it will be short lived as the pounds will soon be piling on.  So you might read that and think 'you said it wasn't fun? What happened?' Well I'll tell ya! WA...

113 . I'm not used to this... Used to this feeling of things going well. I'm not trying to be a pessimist I promise. I just think I'm programmed to question when things start to go well for a while. My brain freaks out waiting for something to go tits up or not to plan.  I guess, well I guess I should explain. I have always grown up and taught myself to expect the worst but secretly hope for the best. I've found when I've mentioned things before they happen they fail and I end up disappointed. This has been the case since I was little so, yeah, I guess I've  programmed myself this way now. Sorry!   As most of you know the last few years have been tough. Even this year started out rough. But somehow, the universe has changed things around for me. I've had a very good positive two months!!  The luck started to change by being involved in a national charity campaign for MND which led to me being featured in the local paper, then during that...

111. "I don't wanna be a human anymore, I'm done..." "Make me a robot" Tessa Violet - Make Me A Robot There are certain days when I feel like I'm just not that ready. I'm not sure how I will cope in the days upcoming situations or how conversations may make me feel. There are days when I will create the character of myself so others don't see the broken version of me behind. Do you have days like that?  Actually, thinking about it, I don't always have days like this, I can have a perfectly unperfect day with no problems yet I'll have minuscule moments where I need the mask of me to cover me for a few minutes. Just until I can turn around and wilt in my internal storm of slight heartbreak, utter embarrassment or any other unpleasant feeling my mind wasn't quite ready for. When the mask is on and the character is displaying a full award winning acting performance, I feel nothing and everything all at the same tim...

88 . I wake up everyday and I fight an irrational fear that lives at the back of my mind. Some days the fight is a tough one, it turns me into a mess. Other days I seem to be calm enough to not let it bother me. But it's always there. I have an irrational phobia to something people wouldn't even think about, but it's more common than you'd think. It makes me cry, it makes me itch, it makes me want to run away. And sometimes, only sometimes it makes me not want to fight it anymore, it makes me think it's about to win.  It's hard to explain what it does to me, how it makes me feel. The only way I can explain it is imagine you are trapped in a room that has no doors, no escape and you are with your greatest fear, whether that be a spider or a clown. Just imagine that. How scary would that be? Now imagine that feeling you would feel, imagine feeling that feeling multiple times a day, every single day of your life. I know it sounds dramatic but that'...

83. It's strange how I sit here and write whatever my brain creates in the moment of writing to possibly absolutely no one. These posts reach an empty space on the Internet and who knows if people read them each time I press publish or whether people think 'not another one' and turn away from them.  I have zero plans for direction when I write, the words seem to just appear on the screen. It's probably obvious that this is my style of writing isn't it? My thoughts change route as I type. All I know is that something is in my mind and it wants to leave. It doesn't want to stick around. It niggles at me until I type words to release them from the empty space that's my mind. I don't know if people take the words on board, I don't know if people can relate. I get very little feedback. But that doesn't bother me. I don't write for feedback. I write because the words want to be gone.  Writing is my escape from life, it's my pocket o...