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The Half Empty Cup


145.

I promise that the big gaps in my writing show I’m happy, instead of writing about the good times I just live them. It’s when I write you know unfortunately there’s been a dip in the road. So, here I am, currently walking through a valley. I say walking, it feels like I’m camping actually.

In all honesty, TMI you may want to say, I had the coil fitted to stop the happens of anymore babies for the next 5 years. That was done in January and my mental health has been entering the pit I’m now in ever since. 

I’m lost, totally and utterly lost. It’s horrible. I’ve had two big bouts of emptiness before in my life, the first time I was a young teen, my mum got very poorly and I just felt pain, the second time in my very early twenties, a phobia of mine heightened and I became a recluse. And then now, I feel no self worth, loneliness...empty, but I don’t think it’s real, I think the hormones this thing inside is creating are hurting my head. I feel like I’m a faulty puzzle piece in the box, it doesn’t quite fit right. I tell myself I have no conversations in me for other people so there’s no point of talking, I got a promotion at work but I’m not smart enough for it, I’m trying to lose weight but I’m so fat what’s even the point. I feel like I have zero friends, I don’t wanna bother the people around me because they are happy. I’ll just be this dark cloud near them, they don’t want that! 

The anxiety and all of these thoughts are crashing into my brain like waves all day, everyday; it hurts, it really hurts. I just want to feel somewhat normal again. This isn’t me, this isn’t real, it’s confusing.

I had no warnings that this could be a side effect, I had no preparation for this at all. I’m just here. Lost. 

A drs appointment will be getting made for next week so please don’t worry. I just had to write this. I feel so incredibly embarrassed about even writing this but I need an outlet, I can’t say the words..

Please no telling me what I need to do. I will be seeking advice. I need a hug of understanding.

Thank you 
Beth x



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Comments

  1. Donna Smith20 April, 2019 22:42

    Huge hugs being sent hun. Been exactly where you are myself before. Hope Dr can help xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rachael hiscott20 April, 2019 22:49

    ❤

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lou20 April, 2019 23:21

    I always say that for me the glass isn’t half empty, it’s smashed into a million pieces. I’m not going to offer advice just a simple note to say I’ve been there. You aren’t alone. It does get better even though it doesn’t feel like it will.

    ReplyDelete

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