Bethlett .

107. Do you ever feel like you're screaming but there's no noise? It's raining but no one gets wet? And everything happens at once but nothing happens at all?  You sit on the edge of your bed holding your head, your hands sometimes feel like the only thing keeping your head high. The rest of the body just wants to be like a pile of clothes on the floor messy and serving no purpose. But there.  Each day is your battle, winning is making it to bedtime. Each day fighting to survive. That's what life is isn't it? A fight? Sometimes against others but mainly against yourself? Yes?...No?  Your brain gets fuzzy, your body gets tense, your thoughts get chaotic, your voice is loud but as quiet as a mouse. Your mind is always catching up or racing far ahead. It never understands.  You feel like standing in a empty room and letting your body go mental, like those intense singers in bands who let it all go, sometimes...most times that's what you need to...

99 . It's been a year. 365 days. I'm not sure that's something I will ever be able to digest mentally. The sheer speed at which it has past. The realisation there's been no contact. No existence anymore.  Not being able to see you in all that time has been possibly the only thing I've coped with because I can see you in my mind. In my dreams. What I've found difficult to comprehend is I haven't been able to speak to you, hear your voice or even send a text message. I still have you in my phone, your name is still in my contacts but the truth is that number will be someone else's now. I can't call. I've found those the hardest moments because I will always remember your face but your voice has become increasingly more difficult to remember. It's painful.  I've thought about you everyday and recently you have been in my dreams. They are so bittersweet...I have to wake up. I wake up with the fact that you're no longer in my ...

74 . Pre warning don't read this if you don't want to read something written by someone wallowing in self pity!!  I have moments,moments of happiness and then boom the moment goes away and what's left is a 25 year old girl who drowns herself in self doubt, insecurity and on the verge of loathing oneself. Today, Tuesday 8th September 2015, I am unfortunately this version of myself!  I watched a video today by the YouTuber Hazel Hayes and at the end of her video she spoke about how while editing her video she watched herself in happy times unaware of what was about to happen in her life (she never mentioned what had happened btw) and I couldn't help think back to February and the months before that and how blissfully unaware I was to one of the most dramatic events that will happen in my lifetime, and how that event was getting closer and closer to happening. And it made me sad!!  We take what we have for granted, everyday we take life for granted! S...

69. Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate. http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same...

55. I put my make up on to face the day But deep down I just want to hide away I smile to hide my frown But look in my eyes and you'll see I'm down I'll continue to laugh along But it inside feels wrong I'll join in conversation But my mind is full of confusion I want to feel like myself But something is missing That sparkle has faded in oneself It feels like I'm drifting I hope soon the pain fades That pain won't go in a matter of days I must remember your smile It will carry me for awhile I know you'll be watching me now I hope I've made you proud You wouldn't want me to cry So I promise you I'll try You will never disappear As I will hold you near In my mind and in my heart We will never be apart Much love Beth xx

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible.  Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. ...

50. Hello my loves. WOW we've made it to the fiftieth blog post, if you're reading this one and you've read all of the ones before, thank you for sticking with me and my public diary entries. If you are new to my posts then Hello and welcome to my life, my little world of, well, I'm not to sure...this. I'm listening and watching Sia - Elastic Heart, I absolutely love this song and I love the video! It's so incredibly powerful , I watch it without knowing what it is that is keeping me so drawn to it (maybe Shia's body...) but seriously please go and watch it, don't read the comments of the video if it's the first time you're watching it and let me know what you believe it is portraying. I won't tell you what I believe because I don't want my view to alter what you may initially feel.      I feel like it might be a good time to update you guys on my Dad. By the way, everything I write is solely my feelings and from my point of vie...

35 . Hello my loves, it's been a while since I've said that, I've missed it. Are you okay? I can't believe we are pretty much half way through November! Are you ready for Christmas? I've not bought a single thing yet, I best start shopping sharpish.  I'm not in a great place tonight, I feel like things are all getting a bit too much and I desperately want to run away from it all, I wanna say 'f*** it' but can't. Sometimes things just get a bit much don't they?  It's mainly brought on myself because I have this need to try and keep everybody happy, but of course, that's impossible. Why do this Beth? Why? Well self, I have no bloody idea!!!!  I feel quite an immense amount of pressure and guilt. I feel guilt everyday over things I can't change but wish I could, about the amount of time I spend with my Dad and the lack of skill I have to try and keep him entertained. I feel guilt that he's in a home, that he is ill a...