Bethlett .

145. I promise that the big gaps in my writing show I’m happy, instead of writing about the good times I just live them. It’s when I write you know unfortunately there’s been a dip in the road. So, here I am, currently walking through a valley. I say walking, it feels like I’m camping actually. In all honesty, TMI you may want to say, I had the coil fitted to stop the happens of anymore babies for the next 5 years. That was done in January and my mental health has been entering the pit I’m now in ever since.  I’m lost, totally and utterly lost. It’s horrible. I’ve had two big bouts of emptiness before in my life, the first time I was a young teen, my mum got very poorly and I just felt pain, the second time in my very early twenties, a phobia of mine heightened and I became a recluse. And then now, I feel no self worth, loneliness...empty, but I don’t think it’s real, I think the hormones this thing inside is creating are hurting my head. I feel like I’m a faulty pu...

141 . I’m not feeling myself. Three weeks ago I had my second baby, Daisy, she’s amazing! I feel so blessed to have two daughters who fill my heart with so much love!  However, now this will be hard for me because I’m desperately trying to stop myself from feeling this way but I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve lost my happiness, I haven’t laughed in days, smiles are feeling forced and general conversation is becoming difficult. I know you’ll be thinking ‘oh post natal depression speak to the health visitor or drs’ and yes maybe I should, maybe I will but it’s up to me. Let me explain... I do not do well with lack of sleep, before children I would be vile if I was tired and I mean vile. So now with two children, a newborn and a very active toddler I feel exhausted!! If I could just sleep for a solid 24 hours I’d be tip top I just know it but that’s not going to happen. Is it too soon to rush on teenage years when they won’t get out of bed? Haha So yes I’m pretty darn tired,...

137 . Sometimes a crack in the wall will appear  It starts small but over time grows larger Eventually a section will break away Then that section needs to be rebuilt It gets rebuilt onto a fragile structure The new piece is only temporary  How long it remains intact is unknown The crack is  inevitable Sometimes a new crack appears The repairs take even longer The structure more fragile than before Which is to be fixed first? Each brick weighing heavier than the last More repairs needed More and more bricks But the wall refuses to break  The cement becomes thicker with each break The structure gets stronger The cracks never disappear  They add to the beauty of the ever growing wall Beth x

136 . It’s 8:50pm on a Friday night and I’m in bed! Rock and roll! I’m just so tired, the darker evenings make the evenings drag out so my brain is ready for bed at like 6pm.  I just wanted to update you on how things are going. Millie is sleeping through the night. Woohoo!! It’s something I’m cherishing and not taking for granted as I know it can all change instantly! I don’t feel like I have a routine, my routine is a none routine kinda routine. But it works, she’s happy and we’re happy so all is good! I sometimes doubt myself or feel like I’m a bad Mum when I talk to other mums who have solid routines, but then what I do I’m content with so I won’t fight with it.  I’m trying to teach her how to sit up, it’s not going well. She’s a strong girl but just not strong enough yet to hold herself up sitting. She’ll get there, I reckon in a few weeks we will be there and loving it!  This week I’ve pushed myself a bit, I went to the playgroup on Tuesday morning, I hated ...

135 . So thank fluff it’s Friday!!! This week has felt like a very long one. I’ve had zero baby free time and the husband has worked late a couple of nights and been to the cinema so I haven’t had that chill time I can usually get. (This is no poor me poor me btw!) Anyway! This week I took the little Miss for her 4 month check with the health visitor. I wasn’t worried about it I just wanted to get it done with.  So she was asking me about Millie etc and she’s doing really well so that was good. I told her I can’t cook so weaning will be interesting and she asked me if I knew how to peel a carrot *insert eye roll here* I quickly told her I’m no imbecile to which she apologised for being patronising. I was rather shocked myself with how quickly I snapped back, and that I even snapped back at all to be honest. Anyway, She wanted to know about me, how my body is recovering etc etc and then she asked if I was lonely, I lied...I said I wasn’t, but of course I am because everyon...

127 . Now, this isn't a feeling sorry for myself post (although depending how it goes it may seem that way) or a post to make you feel sorry for me. This is a what the fuck is going on with my hormones type of post!! I am angry, like all the time angry. I know it's tiredness related because I am a total bitch when I'm tired. Anyone who knows me well knows that's the truth. So at the moment this bitch side of me is no longer a side, it's a full on overhaul!  I'm thinking that hormones is probably a big factor in this too to be honest. Let me tell you why... Not only am I angry all the time, I'm also having a battle with jealousy.  This is going to sound so bonkers and ridiculous I can already hear your laughter, however. Our baby girl Millie is Robs double, literally his twin! Eyes, nose, mouth even the shape of her forehead is all Rob, this makes me green with jealousy. When I was pregnant I stupidly thought she would look like me and my...

111. "I don't wanna be a human anymore, I'm done..." "Make me a robot" Tessa Violet - Make Me A Robot There are certain days when I feel like I'm just not that ready. I'm not sure how I will cope in the days upcoming situations or how conversations may make me feel. There are days when I will create the character of myself so others don't see the broken version of me behind. Do you have days like that?  Actually, thinking about it, I don't always have days like this, I can have a perfectly unperfect day with no problems yet I'll have minuscule moments where I need the mask of me to cover me for a few minutes. Just until I can turn around and wilt in my internal storm of slight heartbreak, utter embarrassment or any other unpleasant feeling my mind wasn't quite ready for. When the mask is on and the character is displaying a full award winning acting performance, I feel nothing and everything all at the same tim...

106. I recently got asked if my outlook on life has changed since losing my Dad. I struggled to think of an answer. When he passed away my life felt so consumed by the loss and also the emotions I felt building up to the day he passed away, it's hard to think about how I was as a person before it all.  I maybe don't see life differently as such but I see people differently. Before I would be quite narrow minded, black and white. So if someone was acting different to what I classed as 'normal' I would label them weird. I couldn't see a reason behind their actions. But now I see that not everything we see as passers by is concrete information. We have literally no idea what goes on behind closed doors. We don't know other people's struggles. I've learnt to have patience, more respect and more understanding.  Don't get me wrong naturally for a while my thoughts where 'live everyday as your last' etc etc but the way I am, it's no...

99 . It's been a year. 365 days. I'm not sure that's something I will ever be able to digest mentally. The sheer speed at which it has past. The realisation there's been no contact. No existence anymore.  Not being able to see you in all that time has been possibly the only thing I've coped with because I can see you in my mind. In my dreams. What I've found difficult to comprehend is I haven't been able to speak to you, hear your voice or even send a text message. I still have you in my phone, your name is still in my contacts but the truth is that number will be someone else's now. I can't call. I've found those the hardest moments because I will always remember your face but your voice has become increasingly more difficult to remember. It's painful.  I've thought about you everyday and recently you have been in my dreams. They are so bittersweet...I have to wake up. I wake up with the fact that you're no longer in my ...

96. I usually write these posts the same way, I seem to find the words to write whilst I'm on the bus to work. I don't know why because it's just a simple bus journey. The same faces everyday no one speaks but those who are couples or friends. The bus journey is our little bubble I guess.  I look out the windows to the same green fields and dark trees, sometimes I spot something new which catches my eye. I often wonder where each of these people are going. Are they going home or just starting their day like me? Is this bus journey the quietest part of their day? Their mini escape from the blur that the actions of the day causes. I have no idea. But I like that, I can create a story in my mind for the strangers around me. I hope their days are positive and joyous. In my mind their lives are perfect. Maybe they try to think that too. Even if it is just for the 20 minute bus journey.  The truth is I'll never know these people, we'll more than likely ne...

95 . There's something about this time of year I don't like. Everything looks grey, maybe that's because of the rain, causing the ground and the trees to look darker. I always feel this time of year looks 'untidy'.  It feels like there's a lot of pressure this time of year. A lot of people set these goals in their minds for what they would love to do and achieve but the realisation that anything worth doing takes time can feel overwhelming. I think we sometimes forget that not everything in life is instant. Memories and achievements stem from work. Hard work, that in the end is something to be proud of. That feeling of accomplishment is something we all love to feel.  The dull days of January can make it difficult to remain focused. The cold days are boring. Why venture into the chill when we can be warm in front of the tele?  And then, before we know it a month or two has gone by.  That's why I don't like this time of year muc...

93 . We spend so much time looking to the future we're missing today. By the time the future arrives it becomes history.  Create a daily goal and achieve it. That way you're not missing the present. Much love Xx

88 . I wake up everyday and I fight an irrational fear that lives at the back of my mind. Some days the fight is a tough one, it turns me into a mess. Other days I seem to be calm enough to not let it bother me. But it's always there. I have an irrational phobia to something people wouldn't even think about, but it's more common than you'd think. It makes me cry, it makes me itch, it makes me want to run away. And sometimes, only sometimes it makes me not want to fight it anymore, it makes me think it's about to win.  It's hard to explain what it does to me, how it makes me feel. The only way I can explain it is imagine you are trapped in a room that has no doors, no escape and you are with your greatest fear, whether that be a spider or a clown. Just imagine that. How scary would that be? Now imagine that feeling you would feel, imagine feeling that feeling multiple times a day, every single day of your life. I know it sounds dramatic but that'...

69. Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate. http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same...

68 . Good evening my loves. I'm lied here in bed wanting to write to you all as Rob is desperately trying to fix the fan so that it's not a sauna in here tonight! Is it warm where you are? Us northern English folk aren't used to muggy heat!! To be honest are we used to any heat here in England? Probs not!!  I watched the film Saving Mr Banks earlier tonight. It's a great film, I absolutely love it. I highly recommend any of you to watch it if you haven't already. Anyway in the film the main characters Dad has this amazing imagination. Creating mini stories for his daughter to listen to and play along. It's so lovely. Then there's Walt Disney, my god that man had such imagination! He did after all create one of if not the biggest franchise in the world DISNEY. But from the film you get a strong sense that he created it all because he loved it, he breathed it. Not because of any money rolling in. And loves it got me thinking, thinking about how much we...

66. Hello my loves, how are you? My last post bizarrely got over 300 views!!! It wasn't even anything special but I am very grateful for all of you who read it, or maybe that one person who just pressed the refresh key a bunch of times 😝  I want to address something with you, something you've all more than likely picked up on by now but I wanna talk about it anyway.... I don't fit it, I just don't! Socially I struggle, sometimes I think I've got the hang of it, I've mastered being interesting, being funny, being someone somebody else wants to hang out with but other times I feel like a lost pup, no sense of what I want to say, literally zero thoughts to be articulated for conversation. I turn into a boring blob of human existence. Why? Good question, I DONT KNOW!!!!  At work I talk to customers as if they are my best mate, I don't know their names but for those few minutes I'm in their presence I'm the best version of myself. However...

64 . I guess we never really have a path in life, nothing is as easy as we want to be and sometimes not worth all the effort we put into it. Life is a complete mind fuck but it's bloody amazing.  We dream of big things, the dream house, the perfect wedding the perfect prince or princess but those pictures in our minds are fabricated and blown way way over the top. One day we realise that the little house we live in with the annoying person we share it with is our dream come true. That is our little bubble of 'perfect' because it's completely and utterly imperfect and we'd change so much but really deep down, we probably wouldn't change a thing.  Life is ultimately a mine field, we constantly tread carefully because we d on't want it to blow up. But life does blow up, we blow up. We need those explosive moments we avoid to happen so that we have something to learn from, something to pass on to others as words of advise; little tiny snippets of our...

59. Hello my loves, I hope you guys are still interested in my blog. I know I haven't wrote to you for a month now but I think I needed some time, time to calm down a little bit. The last time we spoke I was a ball of anxiety and I was struggling but I feel now that the anxiety has fizzled a little bit and I'm feeling pretty okay.  I wanted to write again because I miss it, I miss the feeling that people are getting to know me a little bit. I miss voicing (typing) the voice in my head that never shuts up! And really I missed you guys. So, lets crack on shall we? This wouldn't be a blog post without me telling you who I'm listening to now would it?! JAMES BAY of course, woah I love this guy! So if anyone feels like buying me a gig ticket for him one day please feel free too I honestly won't mind :) I believe I told you guys me and Roberto bought a house, well we are now living here :D this is our third week in our little home and I absolutely love it. For quite...

24. Hello my loves *waves* I would just like to say I am in a MUCH better mood than I was back in my last blog, sometimes things just get a bit much and you need a good cry and cuddle from the one you love the most, but I am absolutely fine now :D Did you all have a good weekend?  This blog is TOTALLY different, on Friday at work a girl asked me how I do my make up, I was thinking 'oh no!!' But she asked because she liked it :D so I thought I would show you the steps I take for my everyday make up :) There is a picture of me with NO make up on and it's not the nicest of things to see but there's only the one. Some of the pictures I took with a camera and some with my iPod because I've got my 'selfie' face mastered and it just wasn't working right with the digital camera *laughs* I'm not a professional, I don't know if I use the correct brushes or the correct colours for my face but I like the end result so I hope you do too :) Oh...