I'm A Loner, But It's Okay

119.

From time to time I go quiet. I'm not purposely being rude or ignoring people I just go quiet. It's like I don't have the thoughts for a fluid conversation. I seem to become comfortable with no thoughts at all.

I would say I have always been a loner, this used to bother me but now I kinda enjoy it. I enjoy my own space, being silent for a while. It doesn't mean anything is wrong it just means I'm, well I don't know what it means really.

I guess I often fight a thought in my head that tells me relationships are difficult to maintain, too much work, when really they aren't at all. I'm very capable of keeping relationships going, that shows with Rob, family and a small handful of friends. I wonder if I think this because the longer someone sticks around for the less I can pretend I'm an outgoing funny person. Like I said I'm really quite quiet and I have a lot of deep thoughts.

I sometimes think that part of the reason is I'm the only person who fully gets me, understands my faults and I don't judge myself because of them. I guess sometimes we as individuals believe are are the only person we can rely on. That's true to an extent but we all have moments where we feel we've let ourselves down.

I will say that just because I enjoy my own company, because I am said loner that doesn't mean I don't get lonely from time to time. Of course I do. Sometimes I welcome the few hours alone when Rob goes and plays darts, other times I practically beg him to stay because I just want him there, even if we don't speak, he's around and that's comforting.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea. (I think I'm having a secret bout of wanting to be quiet)

Much love

Beth x

Contact - bethsblog90@gmail.com

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