Bethlett .

142 . I look at my girls and think ‘wow, I’m so lucky’. I admit I have a toddler who drives me crazy at times and a 11 week old who I worry about constantly but they are mine, I grew them, I love them so much. My eldest is learning words all the time, she’s growing into such an independent little being it’s incredible to witness, its shocking at how fast she is developing. I keep thinking about who she’s going to be when she’s older, what is she going to find interesting. I hope she’ll be happy. Then I look at my little fresh one and I can’t believe 11 weeks have passed already, I’m excited for every milestone that she’ll go through, when she learns to sit up, crawl, walk and start saying her first words. I wonder if ‘hiya’ will be her favourite word just like her sister.  I’m blessed. I get sad at times, I’m sad my Dad isn’t here to meet them, hold them and grow a bond with them. I wonder how he would have felt that his youngest child now has two children of her own. You d...

141 . I’m not feeling myself. Three weeks ago I had my second baby, Daisy, she’s amazing! I feel so blessed to have two daughters who fill my heart with so much love!  However, now this will be hard for me because I’m desperately trying to stop myself from feeling this way but I’m struggling. I feel like I’ve lost my happiness, I haven’t laughed in days, smiles are feeling forced and general conversation is becoming difficult. I know you’ll be thinking ‘oh post natal depression speak to the health visitor or drs’ and yes maybe I should, maybe I will but it’s up to me. Let me explain... I do not do well with lack of sleep, before children I would be vile if I was tired and I mean vile. So now with two children, a newborn and a very active toddler I feel exhausted!! If I could just sleep for a solid 24 hours I’d be tip top I just know it but that’s not going to happen. Is it too soon to rush on teenage years when they won’t get out of bed? Haha So yes I’m pretty darn tired,...

140 . It’s been some time hasn’t it? Even my husband keeps asking me when am I going to write again. Truth is I just haven’t had the words to write, yet so much is going on. Writers block I guess. I don’t know if you who don’t personally know me, know that I’m pregnant again, 8 months in fact! We’re going to have two under two...crazy! I won’t be having anymore in a hurry or at all if I get my way. I’ve struggled this time around, it’s been very painful and stressful. We got told that she was measuring small so I have been having scans every 2 weeks but I’m happy to say that the last 2 scans she has grown and gone above the bottom line woohoo! I’ve also been suffering quite badly with my pelvis, I’m good with pain but crikey it’s not been comfortable at all. I also get very intense braxton hicks most nights, so much so there have been a few occasions we have thought the hospital has been needed but I think I just know subconsciously that labour isn’t happening so I ride it out at h...

139 . Hi,  Gosh it’s been a while since I’ve wrote about you, it feels like a long time since I’ve spoke about you out loud too. I’m sorry about that. I guess life all of a sudden just starts moving and each day flies by as fast as the next one comes, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you, or talk to you in my head (crazy I know) because those I do all day long. I have a 10 month old little girl now Dad, she has your auburn hair, a lovely reminder of you even though I’m afraid she looks nothing like us Aboe folk, she’s Robs twin! I say it’s karma because while I was pregnant I would say to him she’d look nothing like him at all because our gene is so strong...more fool me ey?! I also have another baby on the way, it was a shock to us too! But a very happy one at that. He or she is due at the end of September, I wonder if they’ll have your hair too. So much has changed over the last three years, especially this last year. My goodness it’s all different. I’d like to think y...

138 . What a year! The first 6 months where lived by a very angry hormonal mess! I’m pretty sure most people couldn’t wait to get away from me, I had zero tolerance for anything! So during this time we got new carpets and our bathroom redecorated and the second bedroom turned into a nursery, even though all these things were my idea, my goodness they added to the uncontrollable rage I seemed to have developed... Those first 6 months consisted of me wanting to buy every single baby related item I saw, baby scans and test and a belly that grew and grew to the point where I alternated 4 or 5 dresses I had as they where the only things that fit, and when they became too tight I ended up basically living in a maxi dress and pjs! Then June appeared, the month I became a mummy, a long 10 days later than I should have but anyway, 3 days of contractions followed by a 2 hour ‘active’ labour! At 16:22 on June 14th my life forever changed and I became a mummy! Amazing. The ...

135 . So thank fluff it’s Friday!!! This week has felt like a very long one. I’ve had zero baby free time and the husband has worked late a couple of nights and been to the cinema so I haven’t had that chill time I can usually get. (This is no poor me poor me btw!) Anyway! This week I took the little Miss for her 4 month check with the health visitor. I wasn’t worried about it I just wanted to get it done with.  So she was asking me about Millie etc and she’s doing really well so that was good. I told her I can’t cook so weaning will be interesting and she asked me if I knew how to peel a carrot *insert eye roll here* I quickly told her I’m no imbecile to which she apologised for being patronising. I was rather shocked myself with how quickly I snapped back, and that I even snapped back at all to be honest. Anyway, She wanted to know about me, how my body is recovering etc etc and then she asked if I was lonely, I lied...I said I wasn’t, but of course I am because everyon...

132 . Sooooooo maybe I should explain... My last post was written on a down day, quite a heavy down day so like usual I vented my feelings the only way I know how, and post 131 was created... I wrote that post 12 weeks after giving birth. 12 weeks of tiredness, stress and the creeping feeling of loneliness. I don't want you to think this is a cop out but I was very VERY hormonal. I still had not had the reoccurrence of the ol friend, lady time, so I think my body was screaming for it to happen just so it could breathe a sigh of relief. To which since, it has WOOHOO! I finally feel like a normal human being again instead of the ball of mood swings and uncontrollable anger walking around the place.  I would just like to say a thank you to those who sent me messages asking if I was okay, I am fine and dandy, just a tad over dramatic sometimes haha  I'd just like to say though that being a new mum can be a lonely job. All your friends are working and you don't have ...

131. I really want to write about some struggles I'm facing right now being a new mummy but I don't want to come across miserable alllllll the time because I love being a mum! Do I stay honest and true and just write what I feel or sugar coat the tough stuff and act like it's all okay??? 😕 Sod it!! Now whether this is a hormonal thing or if it's something deeper, the truth is, I am struggling! I've wrote before about wanting a best friend etc but it feels like it's more than that now, I feel, alone! I felt alright for the first few weeks, you are in that new baby bubble, lots of people come to visit and it's all round love but then, like now, there's none of that. This isn't about attention, people work, life is a continuous thing, I guess it's just highlighted my aloneness, my worries and anxieties about everything. I took baby girl for a walk around in her pram this morning and I just kept thinking to myself 'my god I'm so ...

130. Ironically I'm writing this on mine and my husbands 9 year anniversary (from first going out not marriage)  Relationships are difficult, marriage can be difficult and after a baby, more so. This will be quite honest in places which I'm sure will piss Rob off to no end but look, this is my outlet.  We have never argued so much in our whole 9 years like we have in the past 10 weeks! Our baby girl is our absolute WORLD but yes it has been hard on us! You never get told really that there might be a strain after a baby is born in a relationship, I pictured it to be all wonderful and bliss and the three of us just so in love all the time. I'm not saying I'm not in love all the time! Of course I am! However, what isn't ever mentioned is how tiredness and hormones and emotions can cause absolute tidal waves!  It's so daunting coming home with this little person you have only ever imagined in your mind. All of a sudden they are there, needing you to keep the...

129. 8 weeks in, what I've learnt. 1. Making plans becomes a thing of the past! Babies don't work to a time frame, oh no!! If you make a plan and say you'll be somewhere at a particular time, you can bet your arse you won't make it in time! They'll either need a feed or poo, or 9 times out of 10 BOTH. I think I said to my friend I'd meet her at 10am once, an hour later I arrived! Don't get me wrong they'll be those savvy folk out there who have no issues at all with this but me, if I say one time add a good 30-40 mins on top of it!  2. Prioritising what to do. When your wonderful new born baby finally drifts off to sleep it's a toss up on what you do first. Is it eat, pee, shower, clean, sleep or just crash on the sofa and watch a bit of mindless tele to relax. I usually go with Nutella on toast, while the bread is toasting away the kettle is boiling and while that's happening setting up the tele with a recording I made a week a go. I do...

127 . Now, this isn't a feeling sorry for myself post (although depending how it goes it may seem that way) or a post to make you feel sorry for me. This is a what the fuck is going on with my hormones type of post!! I am angry, like all the time angry. I know it's tiredness related because I am a total bitch when I'm tired. Anyone who knows me well knows that's the truth. So at the moment this bitch side of me is no longer a side, it's a full on overhaul!  I'm thinking that hormones is probably a big factor in this too to be honest. Let me tell you why... Not only am I angry all the time, I'm also having a battle with jealousy.  This is going to sound so bonkers and ridiculous I can already hear your laughter, however. Our baby girl Millie is Robs double, literally his twin! Eyes, nose, mouth even the shape of her forehead is all Rob, this makes me green with jealousy. When I was pregnant I stupidly thought she would look like me and my...

126 . Oh 3:30 in the morning, I'm getting used to meeting you everyday. A time I never thought I'd be very fond of in all honestly. Actually I'm not over enthralled to see you most days, i'd much rather be basking in the vast variety of my dreamland imagination. But it's just not meant to be right now. Instead I lie here on my bed trying desperately to settle my baby on my chest so that she can sleep for another 3 hours but more importantly, so I can sleep another 3 hours. Problem is, like now I'm being tricked into believing she has fallen asleep but I know as soon as I go to move this beautiful bean of life I've created, she'll be wide awake chatting to herself in her native baby language making it totally impossible for me to catch those much needed 3 hours!  Although in my mind I'm wishing I was in the position my husband is in right now, fast asleep, I do enjoy this quiet time me and the little one have together. Where she feels lik...

125 . Well...Millie Rose Howlett arrived! The little miss was born at 16:22 on Wednesday 14th June 2017 weighing a solid 8lbs exact! And my god what a quick arrival she made!! Let's start from the beginning shall we? So on the Monday I woke up at half past 5 in the morning with pains in my thighs, I wondered if they were the beginning of labour but I held off calling the hospital because they were bearable and didn't have any routine to them plus I was seeing the midwife that morning for my second sweep so I really hoped she was going to say that it was starting...she said the opposite! She said nothing was happening, I still had a very long way to go and I'd more than likely be induced as I was 8 days over by this point anyway. After that appointment the pains stopped so I was sat thinking GREAT (in a very sarcastic fed up tone) but then they started again that afternoon stronger than the morning but still bearable. I did get my mum to come to my house because we ...

124 . I'm scared, maybe even the verge of being terrified. Am I wrong for feeling scared? For feeling completely out of my depth already? For even questioning if we should have done this? I feel guilty that I have that questioning, is it normal?  I'm 40 weeks and 1 day over, baby girl still isn't here, she's not even showing any desire to say hello and I'm already scared, terrified even. You'll read this and maybe judge me, wonder how could I be so naive to think it's all going to be easy. Well I haven't, I know it's going to be hard work, I know our lives are about to change forever but 9 months ago I had time to ignore the enormity of it all. Now we are days away, literally every second of everyday could be the second it all starts. That's daunting!!  I try not to expect I'm going to know what I'm doing when she's here but at the same time I don't want to look or feel useless, a failure. Everyone judges, but I don...

123 . So in a couple of hours or whenever you read this I have just entered my 35th week of pregnancy. Oh boy it's getting close now!! The third trimester has been my worst so far I think. I don't want to complain or moan because I know how truly blessed I am to be in this position however it's been tough!  I had always heard that when you get near the end you are just willing it along, and I always thought 'why?' Well for me I can't handle the stress I'm feeling and the horrendous mood I seem to always be in. I literally can not control it! I'm not a stressed person, I'm not an angry person (apart from when I'm tired) so these feelings are just very hard for me to deal with. I know I'm being a bitch but I can't stop it. I want to be my old chilled out self again!!!  I think what it is, is, I'm nesting, I want a list as long as my arm done and I want it done now! We've had our bathroom redecorated and that was the...

121 . So I'm currently 24 weeks and 4 days! Time is flying by. I feel like I've only been pregnant for 2 minutes and now we're not too far from the end result...our baby!  How is the second trimester going you ask? So far so good, there are changes that I'm noticing more and more but no matter how uncomfortable some may be I'm feeling really good. In my last post I wrote about how I was poorly, well touch wood I'm finally better, the double ear infection turned into tonsillitis, an illness I've not had since I was a kid! Another dose of 250mg antibiotics and I was soon back to myself only for a day to go by and my throat felt like razor blades again so another trip to the Drs. He refused me anymore antibiotics which I was so happy about to be honest and slowly each day it hurt less and less woohoo!! So I guess that's a change, a low immune system, as long as baby is okay I don't care, baby is life, colds and bugs and stuff are temporary.  What ...

I 120 . It's 2017, I'm currently lied on the sofa watching Tipping Point whilst fighting an awful cold and a double ear infection. They say, start as you mean to go on but I do not want 12 months of illnesses thank you very much!!!  I haven't written in a long time so you have no idea what is going on in my life, well....IM PREGNANT, currently mid way through my 18th week. My belly is growing, I'm feeling flickers and I'm truly happy.  The first trimester was not fun!! I didn't suffer with morning sickness but I did suffer from a complete lack of appetite, so much so I almost lost a stone in weight. Weight that I haven't yet gained back. I'm quite enjoying seeing and being able to feel my cheek bones for the first time ever if I'm totally honest with you but I'm aware it will be short lived as the pounds will soon be piling on.  So you might read that and think 'you said it wasn't fun? What happened?' Well I'll tell ya! WA...

108. In a matter of hours we enter Sunday, no big deal. However in those few hours we enter Father's Day. For someone who no longer has a father it's going to be an upsetting day. Yeah I probably won't cry, I might only say a few words out loud about him but in my heart, my heart will be aching a little extra tomorrow.  Last year I remember being very jealous, I couldn't even look at the Father's Day cards that where displayed everywhere! And they were very hard to avoid because I work in a bloody supermarket!! This year, they haven't bothered me. I laughed to myself and my friend when I saw the last Father's Day card I got my dad. It was a giraffe that when you opened the card up its tongue stuck out haha makes me giggle just thinking about it. I remember it made him giggle too.  As the days, weeks and months go by I wonder about what actually happens when you pass away. I wonder if he can hear me and see me or if he picks and chooses who to vi...

99 . It's been a year. 365 days. I'm not sure that's something I will ever be able to digest mentally. The sheer speed at which it has past. The realisation there's been no contact. No existence anymore.  Not being able to see you in all that time has been possibly the only thing I've coped with because I can see you in my mind. In my dreams. What I've found difficult to comprehend is I haven't been able to speak to you, hear your voice or even send a text message. I still have you in my phone, your name is still in my contacts but the truth is that number will be someone else's now. I can't call. I've found those the hardest moments because I will always remember your face but your voice has become increasingly more difficult to remember. It's painful.  I've thought about you everyday and recently you have been in my dreams. They are so bittersweet...I have to wake up. I wake up with the fact that you're no longer in my ...

98. To you I'm yet to meet.  One day I'll lock eyes with you and my love will be unconditional. You will lay in my arms and I will help you grow. Your personality will be a little of mine and a little of his but mostly your own.  I can't say who you will look like most and I won't be able to say for certain what hair colour you will have but you will be beautiful because you'll be the person you are meant to be.  If you ever read this I want you to know that I never want you to feel like you have to justify who you are. I don't want you to feel stress or pressure for you will be. I don't want you to sit me down to tell me your sexuality, just let me meet whoever they are no matter the gender. I don't care if you want to wear makeup or dress in clothing that's for a particular sex. All I want for you is to be happy, because I will support you through everything.  I will never let you feel like you can't do something, I'll ...