Bethlett .

140 . It’s been some time hasn’t it? Even my husband keeps asking me when am I going to write again. Truth is I just haven’t had the words to write, yet so much is going on. Writers block I guess. I don’t know if you who don’t personally know me, know that I’m pregnant again, 8 months in fact! We’re going to have two under two...crazy! I won’t be having anymore in a hurry or at all if I get my way. I’ve struggled this time around, it’s been very painful and stressful. We got told that she was measuring small so I have been having scans every 2 weeks but I’m happy to say that the last 2 scans she has grown and gone above the bottom line woohoo! I’ve also been suffering quite badly with my pelvis, I’m good with pain but crikey it’s not been comfortable at all. I also get very intense braxton hicks most nights, so much so there have been a few occasions we have thought the hospital has been needed but I think I just know subconsciously that labour isn’t happening so I ride it out at h...

137 . Sometimes a crack in the wall will appear  It starts small but over time grows larger Eventually a section will break away Then that section needs to be rebuilt It gets rebuilt onto a fragile structure The new piece is only temporary  How long it remains intact is unknown The crack is  inevitable Sometimes a new crack appears The repairs take even longer The structure more fragile than before Which is to be fixed first? Each brick weighing heavier than the last More repairs needed More and more bricks But the wall refuses to break  The cement becomes thicker with each break The structure gets stronger The cracks never disappear  They add to the beauty of the ever growing wall Beth x

125 . Well...Millie Rose Howlett arrived! The little miss was born at 16:22 on Wednesday 14th June 2017 weighing a solid 8lbs exact! And my god what a quick arrival she made!! Let's start from the beginning shall we? So on the Monday I woke up at half past 5 in the morning with pains in my thighs, I wondered if they were the beginning of labour but I held off calling the hospital because they were bearable and didn't have any routine to them plus I was seeing the midwife that morning for my second sweep so I really hoped she was going to say that it was starting...she said the opposite! She said nothing was happening, I still had a very long way to go and I'd more than likely be induced as I was 8 days over by this point anyway. After that appointment the pains stopped so I was sat thinking GREAT (in a very sarcastic fed up tone) but then they started again that afternoon stronger than the morning but still bearable. I did get my mum to come to my house because we ...

111. "I don't wanna be a human anymore, I'm done..." "Make me a robot" Tessa Violet - Make Me A Robot There are certain days when I feel like I'm just not that ready. I'm not sure how I will cope in the days upcoming situations or how conversations may make me feel. There are days when I will create the character of myself so others don't see the broken version of me behind. Do you have days like that?  Actually, thinking about it, I don't always have days like this, I can have a perfectly unperfect day with no problems yet I'll have minuscule moments where I need the mask of me to cover me for a few minutes. Just until I can turn around and wilt in my internal storm of slight heartbreak, utter embarrassment or any other unpleasant feeling my mind wasn't quite ready for. When the mask is on and the character is displaying a full award winning acting performance, I feel nothing and everything all at the same tim...

108. In a matter of hours we enter Sunday, no big deal. However in those few hours we enter Father's Day. For someone who no longer has a father it's going to be an upsetting day. Yeah I probably won't cry, I might only say a few words out loud about him but in my heart, my heart will be aching a little extra tomorrow.  Last year I remember being very jealous, I couldn't even look at the Father's Day cards that where displayed everywhere! And they were very hard to avoid because I work in a bloody supermarket!! This year, they haven't bothered me. I laughed to myself and my friend when I saw the last Father's Day card I got my dad. It was a giraffe that when you opened the card up its tongue stuck out haha makes me giggle just thinking about it. I remember it made him giggle too.  As the days, weeks and months go by I wonder about what actually happens when you pass away. I wonder if he can hear me and see me or if he picks and chooses who to vi...

105. The voice in our minds is the loudest voice we can ever listen too! It's the only voice we hear 24/7. It's the most powerful tool in our minds. That being said why do we mute our external voice? Why do we hold back so much we are bursting to say? Obviously to spare others feelings, and all that jazz but sometimes there are things we are needing to tell someone to help ourselves yet we block it from exiting the place it's building up in.  The power of talking is incredible, we all have certain parts of our lives we want to keep quiet, we try to forget they ever happened. Maybe it hurt, maybe it's so embarrassing we want to forget all about it. Sometimes though our mind does anything in its power to release the words. Even if it's to one person or merely saying the words out loud in an empty room it's as though our mind is able to take a huge sigh of relief once we say it. The power of not talking is also incredible. The lengths some people go to...

104. Today I'm having a day where I just want to be sad. The events over the past 2 weeks and the news from Sunday is all starting to hit home I think. Sometimes things happen that we have no control over. We say there must be a reason but we never find out fully what that reason is. I want to mention this because I feel I shouldn't hide from it. I don't want pity, this isn't about that. I feel like I have to process it all, and for me sometimes it's simply writing it down and then I can try and move on, never forget, just continue my life. On Sunday 1st May I found out I had heartbreakingly had a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks. May not seem much but it is everything to me. Before Sunday I had 2 weeks of worry, things seemed off. I got told I had a haematoma but was nothing to worry about, then 3 days after being told that we were told our little peanut, or seahorse as I described it had no heartbeat anymore. Heartbreaking. I have grown through a lot of situat...

99 . It's been a year. 365 days. I'm not sure that's something I will ever be able to digest mentally. The sheer speed at which it has past. The realisation there's been no contact. No existence anymore.  Not being able to see you in all that time has been possibly the only thing I've coped with because I can see you in my mind. In my dreams. What I've found difficult to comprehend is I haven't been able to speak to you, hear your voice or even send a text message. I still have you in my phone, your name is still in my contacts but the truth is that number will be someone else's now. I can't call. I've found those the hardest moments because I will always remember your face but your voice has become increasingly more difficult to remember. It's painful.  I've thought about you everyday and recently you have been in my dreams. They are so bittersweet...I have to wake up. I wake up with the fact that you're no longer in my ...

92. Another year is almost over and we're about to start all over again. Are you excited? Are you ready for it? Or is there still apart of you wanting to hold onto the year that's just passed us by?  Looking back what did you set out and achieve? Did all your plans go as planned and work out? Did any milestones happen? There's a lot to think back on isn't there?  What plans do you have for the year that's about to start? Or do you just want to go with the flow this time around? Whatever it is you have planned, enjoy it. Grasp it close in your heart and run with it. Because the year that's about to start can't be redone until the next. Don't go into a fresh year with regrets, don't go into it with fear. Walk through the gates of 2016 with excitement and determination. This new year is going to be YOUR year.  Be strong, be proud, be confident. Believe that the person you are is worthy, you deserve happiness, you deserve all the good thi...

70 . Hey there lovelies, how are you on this fine day? Well I hope :) im writing this earlier than when I'm uploading it, I'm currently sat on the bus to Beverley so I can start work. I umm and ahh about who to listen to during my 40 minute journey but I've settled on listening to Paramore. I always enjoy their music but it does make me want to sing along like a maniac, I just don't think the bus driver and strangers sat in front of me are quite ready for that though.  Major side note to what I'm about to write but did you know in this area our telephone boxes are white instead of red? Yup it's true, something to do with Hull I think I'm not sure. Maybe Hull and the surrounding areas like to be different.  I want to talk to you about feeling stuck in a rut and the want for change. For a little while now I have felt like I'm running but not going anywhere, I'm burning a hole in the ground because I'm not moving. Or like a tree that ...

69. Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate. http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same...

65 . Hello my loves, it's been awhile hasn't it? Nothing exciting has been happening to be honest, I've just been quiet. You know by now I have these lulls from time to time. I realised the other day that ive been writing to you all for a whole year now!! Can you believe it? I can't! It's gone by so quickly, a little too quick. Can I reflect on the year please? Thank you I will... I started writing to you with the intention of over coming fears, creating a bucket list and ticking the list off as I defined the odds and smashed through my comfort zone. That was my intention. The reality is, my fears only grew and no list was created and nothing was ticked off. Instead writing to you became my platform to empty the mess inside of  my head and basically writing to you stopped me from becoming insane.  I think we all have moments where my minds become a little fuzzy, a little bit too much is happening to juggle. I've had many moments like that in this...

61. First of all, I know it's been awhile. I've turned quite rubbish at this blogging shizniz! But oh well I'm here now so lets start... Hello my loves, oh loves I'm not listening to anything while I write this, I'm merely just sitting here with only the light from the computer screen to spur me on to write to you all. I have TWO things to say in this blog... Remember months a go when I wrote a blog titled 'This fat chicks gotta get fit'? well I never got fit BUT today (Sunday 14/06/15) I COMPLETED THE 10K!!!!!!!!! I walked the full thing, I've never ran before so I would have been stupid to think I could have ran today. Granted I was right at the back I did it, I got involved in something I would have NEVER of done before.  Some of you may think 'meh it's only 10K' but believe me loves, that's a huge deal to me, zero confident me!! I saw people I knew and I still cracked on with it. There where moments as I was walking along wher...

60. Good evening loves, how are you? I'm good thank you, I'm currently sat here with wet hair listening to a song I heard on Catfish The TV Show, its called Over by a band called Johnnyswim, it's a bit depressing really but nice at the same time. I know I'm weird and I have weird taste in music but oh well in the words of Shirley Bassey I am who I am. I wanted to write to you today to tell you about the walk I did yesterday (Sunday) myself and others from work plus Rob and our friend, we all joined in with the Humber Bridge Walk, some of you may remember we did this walk last year and it was great. This time was no different, it was fabtab!! I loved seeing the sea of blue everyone was in, I've never liked the colour more!! Oh loves I wish we could all get together and walk it together, or walk something greater that would be pretty lovely! There we are look :) doing our bit. There were a lot of people there, lots of children and dogs. It felt like a prop...

Dear you, The person reading this, someone who may be fighting, someone who might be caring or simply someone curious. My name is Beth Aboe-Howlett, I'm 24 years young (ignore the wrinkles) I'm writing this to encourage you, I'm writing this to share the pain and understand how you feel. I am not a fighter, I'm the daughter of someone who fought, but sadly the battle was too strong. This only happened a few months ago and I feel okay. My life has changed dramatically, I don't think anything prepares you for when you lose a parent but my life must carry on and I must grow from it. This is why I'm writing you this letter, to encourage you to enjoy your life, no matter how long you have or how difficult it will be at times. We must live our lives to create them. If you are reading this and you are struggling, with anything going on right now please believe me that things don't remain this bad forever, even in the shittiest of situations like my Dad, where...

56. Hello my loves, it feels like its been a very long time since my last post but it really wasn't that long ago. I'm currently listening to a singer on YouTube called Rusty Clanton, his song Novels is such a beautiful song I just keep playing it over and over again. Please go and listen to it.  I sit here waiting for my hair to dry so I can curl it thinking to myself of all the things I want to say but realising there isn't much in my mind to put out there. There's no poems in my mind or profound words that I feel I must say but this is me so we'll just see how this post goes shall we.  ----------------------------- With all that has happened I feel very mixed up, it's like my mind keeps contradicting  itself and I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm in the room but I'm not there, I'm not paying attention but I'm pretending to be. It's weird and I don't know if people can tell. I wonder if the people arou...

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible.  Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. ...