Bethlett .

 10 years...10 long but very fast years!! Okay, I admit, I'm late to the 10 year blog anniversary, like 7 months late haha but I've been busy. I can't quite believe I started writing on here over 10 years ago. About my Dad, who has now been gone 10 years as of only a few days ago! Which is mental. This pocket of space helped me a lot back then, and it continued to help a little while after but it's definitely time for me to say goodbye to this space now. It served me well back then, but like we all do, I've grown and found other things now that suit me better. You see, I couldn't express in real life how I felt back then, what I was dealing with watching my Dad with MND. So this was my voice. Then I realised oh wow I can say a lot of things here that I can't express due to fear or embarrassment and general learning things about myself etc. Who knew writing a few words on a few posts could help heal so many broken pieces. I'll always be pretty grateful fo...

142 . I look at my girls and think ‘wow, I’m so lucky’. I admit I have a toddler who drives me crazy at times and a 11 week old who I worry about constantly but they are mine, I grew them, I love them so much. My eldest is learning words all the time, she’s growing into such an independent little being it’s incredible to witness, its shocking at how fast she is developing. I keep thinking about who she’s going to be when she’s older, what is she going to find interesting. I hope she’ll be happy. Then I look at my little fresh one and I can’t believe 11 weeks have passed already, I’m excited for every milestone that she’ll go through, when she learns to sit up, crawl, walk and start saying her first words. I wonder if ‘hiya’ will be her favourite word just like her sister.  I’m blessed. I get sad at times, I’m sad my Dad isn’t here to meet them, hold them and grow a bond with them. I wonder how he would have felt that his youngest child now has two children of her own. You d...

139 . Hi,  Gosh it’s been a while since I’ve wrote about you, it feels like a long time since I’ve spoke about you out loud too. I’m sorry about that. I guess life all of a sudden just starts moving and each day flies by as fast as the next one comes, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you, or talk to you in my head (crazy I know) because those I do all day long. I have a 10 month old little girl now Dad, she has your auburn hair, a lovely reminder of you even though I’m afraid she looks nothing like us Aboe folk, she’s Robs twin! I say it’s karma because while I was pregnant I would say to him she’d look nothing like him at all because our gene is so strong...more fool me ey?! I also have another baby on the way, it was a shock to us too! But a very happy one at that. He or she is due at the end of September, I wonder if they’ll have your hair too. So much has changed over the last three years, especially this last year. My goodness it’s all different. I’d like to think y...

109. I started my blog with the intention of building my self confidence, I wanted to put together a bucket list and slowly but surely cross each one off. I wanted to build myself up as a person, have stories to tell. It soon became apparent that my blog was destined for other things, I tried the popular blogger stuff of makeup tutorials etc but quite frankly, I'm much better putting makeup on rather than sitting and typing about my favourite products, it's much more fun that way. I soon realised the purpose of my blog was to give attention to the little voice in my head. The voice that over the years has hurt my confidence and self esteem. By giving it a platform I was able to release it all together. I now can see that I didn't need a bucket list to change me or build me back up, I just needed to quieten that voice by getting rid of it at dark times.  That being said, the darkest time so far, the illness and heartbreaking passing of my dear dad. Never would I...

108. In a matter of hours we enter Sunday, no big deal. However in those few hours we enter Father's Day. For someone who no longer has a father it's going to be an upsetting day. Yeah I probably won't cry, I might only say a few words out loud about him but in my heart, my heart will be aching a little extra tomorrow.  Last year I remember being very jealous, I couldn't even look at the Father's Day cards that where displayed everywhere! And they were very hard to avoid because I work in a bloody supermarket!! This year, they haven't bothered me. I laughed to myself and my friend when I saw the last Father's Day card I got my dad. It was a giraffe that when you opened the card up its tongue stuck out haha makes me giggle just thinking about it. I remember it made him giggle too.  As the days, weeks and months go by I wonder about what actually happens when you pass away. I wonder if he can hear me and see me or if he picks and chooses who to vi...

106. I recently got asked if my outlook on life has changed since losing my Dad. I struggled to think of an answer. When he passed away my life felt so consumed by the loss and also the emotions I felt building up to the day he passed away, it's hard to think about how I was as a person before it all.  I maybe don't see life differently as such but I see people differently. Before I would be quite narrow minded, black and white. So if someone was acting different to what I classed as 'normal' I would label them weird. I couldn't see a reason behind their actions. But now I see that not everything we see as passers by is concrete information. We have literally no idea what goes on behind closed doors. We don't know other people's struggles. I've learnt to have patience, more respect and more understanding.  Don't get me wrong naturally for a while my thoughts where 'live everyday as your last' etc etc but the way I am, it's no...

102. I don't like to talk about grief very much. I know last year I wrote about it a few times but I hold myself back from it a lot. The words 'grief' and 'grieving' are uncomfortable words to me. They are uncomfortable because when you lose someone close to you, they will never be forgotten about, the love and memories will always be there. And so they should. I feel those words put a label on feelings that should be felt and always will be felt. Whether they are felt strongly or not, your body needs to feel them.   I can't explain it very well. Maybe I shouldn't even try too... The feeling of loss is always there. Sometimes it hits you in the face as though it just happened, other times it sits nicely in a corner of our brains.  With time we learn to control it better. We hide it from others.  What I struggle with is when my brain wants to talk about it but the reaction of others silences me. Why does this natural feeling of missing someon...

99 . It's been a year. 365 days. I'm not sure that's something I will ever be able to digest mentally. The sheer speed at which it has past. The realisation there's been no contact. No existence anymore.  Not being able to see you in all that time has been possibly the only thing I've coped with because I can see you in my mind. In my dreams. What I've found difficult to comprehend is I haven't been able to speak to you, hear your voice or even send a text message. I still have you in my phone, your name is still in my contacts but the truth is that number will be someone else's now. I can't call. I've found those the hardest moments because I will always remember your face but your voice has become increasingly more difficult to remember. It's painful.  I've thought about you everyday and recently you have been in my dreams. They are so bittersweet...I have to wake up. I wake up with the fact that you're no longer in my ...

91. In our life's we have invincible people. People who have always, in some sort of way, been there. And there is no way that they will never not be there, somewhere.  They are invincible.  They have a bubble of protection around them at all times and nothing will pop it. I don't believe I'm silly in thinking that. We get so used to each other how could anything change? Especially when that's how it's always been.  But then life happens, for some reason it doesn't like to be consistent, it doesn't like to be content. It thrives off the waves it causes to people, I guess to keep us on our toes. Make us appreciate what we have. But it seems that in a lot of cases to make us appreciate what we have, something bad has to happen. Something that smacks us so hard in the face we remain dizzy for a little while.  Why? Why must it do that? Why must it make our invincible people no longer invincible?  I guess people seem invincible because we h...

90 . Christmas is a matter of days now. The most magical time of the year. True but this year it's going to be painful for me. And so many others.  Since February this year it's been a year of firsts, each one effecting me differently emotional. In a matter of days it will be the first Christmas. He won't be ringing me up early in the morning to say Merry Christmas, I won't be seeing him on Boxing Day like I always used too. I will only have my memories of him, happy ones and of course bitterly sad ones. It's the first one, it's going to be difficult but each year will get easier. The happy memories will over power the sad by miles, I hope.  I've been feeling very emotional this week, a mixture of things but the biggest is the realisation of him not being here. I thought I was alright but I'm not. I miss him, simple as that I guess. It sounds stupid but it hit me this week that if I'm to live a full life I will live more of it without hi...

77 . Hello my loves. Now what you are about to read may seem random, you may think 'why are you writing this now?' But please do continue to read. In my heart I feel like this is something I need to write.  I feel that my heart has almost healed. I feel that grief has turned into understanding and life is moving in the right direction for me now, even though it's the same as always.  So let me begin... I don't cry now my loves, I haven't cried in months and the more I think about it during the time of my Dads passing I probably didn't cry as much as others thought I would. Gosh most of them never saw me cry at all. That isn't because I'm cold or tough, it's because crying to me is a very personal thing. It's something only your own emotions understand so to me crying is something I want to keep to myself. I don't want the fuss of those around, I want to be left to feel what I'm feeling.  Although only a few people clos...

69. Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate. http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same...

65 . Hello my loves, it's been awhile hasn't it? Nothing exciting has been happening to be honest, I've just been quiet. You know by now I have these lulls from time to time. I realised the other day that ive been writing to you all for a whole year now!! Can you believe it? I can't! It's gone by so quickly, a little too quick. Can I reflect on the year please? Thank you I will... I started writing to you with the intention of over coming fears, creating a bucket list and ticking the list off as I defined the odds and smashed through my comfort zone. That was my intention. The reality is, my fears only grew and no list was created and nothing was ticked off. Instead writing to you became my platform to empty the mess inside of  my head and basically writing to you stopped me from becoming insane.  I think we all have moments where my minds become a little fuzzy, a little bit too much is happening to juggle. I've had many moments like that in this...

60. Good evening loves, how are you? I'm good thank you, I'm currently sat here with wet hair listening to a song I heard on Catfish The TV Show, its called Over by a band called Johnnyswim, it's a bit depressing really but nice at the same time. I know I'm weird and I have weird taste in music but oh well in the words of Shirley Bassey I am who I am. I wanted to write to you today to tell you about the walk I did yesterday (Sunday) myself and others from work plus Rob and our friend, we all joined in with the Humber Bridge Walk, some of you may remember we did this walk last year and it was great. This time was no different, it was fabtab!! I loved seeing the sea of blue everyone was in, I've never liked the colour more!! Oh loves I wish we could all get together and walk it together, or walk something greater that would be pretty lovely! There we are look :) doing our bit. There were a lot of people there, lots of children and dogs. It felt like a prop...

56. Hello my loves, it feels like its been a very long time since my last post but it really wasn't that long ago. I'm currently listening to a singer on YouTube called Rusty Clanton, his song Novels is such a beautiful song I just keep playing it over and over again. Please go and listen to it.  I sit here waiting for my hair to dry so I can curl it thinking to myself of all the things I want to say but realising there isn't much in my mind to put out there. There's no poems in my mind or profound words that I feel I must say but this is me so we'll just see how this post goes shall we.  ----------------------------- With all that has happened I feel very mixed up, it's like my mind keeps contradicting  itself and I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm in the room but I'm not there, I'm not paying attention but I'm pretending to be. It's weird and I don't know if people can tell. I wonder if the people arou...

55. I put my make up on to face the day But deep down I just want to hide away I smile to hide my frown But look in my eyes and you'll see I'm down I'll continue to laugh along But it inside feels wrong I'll join in conversation But my mind is full of confusion I want to feel like myself But something is missing That sparkle has faded in oneself It feels like I'm drifting I hope soon the pain fades That pain won't go in a matter of days I must remember your smile It will carry me for awhile I know you'll be watching me now I hope I've made you proud You wouldn't want me to cry So I promise you I'll try You will never disappear As I will hold you near In my mind and in my heart We will never be apart Much love Beth xx

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible.  Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. ...

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him.  I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes.  I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music.  But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid.  An influx of...