Bethlett .

 10 years...10 long but very fast years!! Okay, I admit, I'm late to the 10 year blog anniversary, like 7 months late haha but I've been busy. I can't quite believe I started writing on here over 10 years ago. About my Dad, who has now been gone 10 years as of only a few days ago! Which is mental. This pocket of space helped me a lot back then, and it continued to help a little while after but it's definitely time for me to say goodbye to this space now. It served me well back then, but like we all do, I've grown and found other things now that suit me better. You see, I couldn't express in real life how I felt back then, what I was dealing with watching my Dad with MND. So this was my voice. Then I realised oh wow I can say a lot of things here that I can't express due to fear or embarrassment and general learning things about myself etc. Who knew writing a few words on a few posts could help heal so many broken pieces. I'll always be pretty grateful fo...

147 . I love the smell of freshly cut grass I love when cherry blossom trees bloom I love when old couples hold hands I love when men show their vulnerability I love people who are creative I love seeing people with their own styles  I love when people are passionate about things I stupidly love teen rom com movies and programmes because they warm my heart I love the idea of a soul friend, more than a best friend I love the idea of being in a group of ride or die friends  I love when people are supportive, understanding and caring  I love music that has a story  I love candid photographs  I love real physical photographs  I love memories  I love when people can see beauty beyond the obvious  I love when you listen to a song 100 times on repeat because it perfectly sums you up in that moment  I love the fictional love story I write in my mind I love seeing genuine joyous reactions from people  I love so much I wrote thi...

122 . Week 26 and the third trimester is slowly creeping up!! Meaning baby girl isn't far away from making her dramatic entrance!!  There's just a few things I want to talk about. Pregnancy is a very exciting time but there are annoyances... I LOVE when she kicks, absolutely love it, however, there are times of the day and places in my body where her kicks aren't as appreciated. These being while I'm trying to get to sleep and her kicks that feel so low down I could almost shake her hands and feet! Oo they are uncomfortable kicks I tell ya! And when these types of kicks happen at the time I'm trying to drift off, well, it's just ANNOYING haha.  I love when she kicks me during the day, it's like a little hello every now and again, they kinda make me realise that I have this beautiful human growing inside of me yet it feels so bizarre. Something I wouldn't know how to explain. Occasionally when she's kicking my belly looks like it's d...

119 . From time to time I go quiet. I'm not purposely being rude or ignoring people I just go quiet. It's like I don't have the thoughts for a fluid conversation. I seem to become comfortable with no thoughts at all.  I would say I have always been a loner, this used to bother me but now I kinda enjoy it. I enjoy my own space, being silent for a while. It doesn't mean anything is wrong it just means I'm, well I don't know what it means really.  I guess I often fight a thought in my head that tells me relationships are difficult to maintain, too much work, when really they aren't at all. I'm very capable of keeping relationships going, that shows with Rob, family and a small handful of friends. I wonder if I think this because the longer someone sticks around for the less I can pretend I'm an outgoing funny person. Like I said I'm really quite quiet and I have a lot of deep thoughts.  I sometimes think that part of the reaso...

117 . September to me is a transition month. We go from our long bright nights and the feeling of summer freedom to nights slowly getting more dark and a chill appears. It's not a gloomy month but it doesn't have the same pep in its step like July and August.  It's a time of new beginnings, the trees slowly losing their leaves, the bare branches bedding in for the cold winter ahead. September is preparing for the long British chill that we seem to have for a much longer period than the warmth.  I look forward for the arrival of Autumn that September slowly brings, it's my favourite season. There's so much beauty in it. I love the orange overtone that the fallen leaves bring. I love the misty mornings and in all honesty I enjoy the rain. It fascinates me. We don't question the giant in the skies tears when September comes along. We allow him to be a bit sad.  Now September is here we are entering the tail end of the year, we are starting to...

115. Sleep intrigues me. The thought of not waking up doesn't frighten me, I'd never even know. I imagine that would feel like a really long sleep anyway, so that thought never enters my mind. What gets me is while my mind is at rest and my body is so comfortable I no longer can feel it, their are still people wandering the streets. There are homes still full of life. The contrast couldn't be anymore different. My night of rest can be someone else's night of horror, and I would never know. Why is it that at what should be the most peaceful time of day the mind can be its most awake? Why in the quiet of the empty rooms around us, must our minds fill with words, thoughts, worries? Why can our minds keep us up for most of the night with subject matters that never enter our brains forefront during the day? Why is it at night, in the quiet, the dark, we become our most vulnerable?  It's currently 1:17am while I write this. What's the point? My mind won...

114. I was inspired today, inspired by a video by a Youtuber called Tessa Violet. Her video featured another Youtuber, who I'm slowly becoming obsessed with called Dodie Clark. Both are beautiful musicians who I'd recommend highly to you all.  Anyway, they recently made a video together called 'why I don't get excited' on Tessa's channel and I watched it and so much of it resonated to me. I'd quite like you to just watch the video yourself rather than me explain it. It's not mine to explain.  One thing that stuck out was when Tessa says 'I refuse to feel excited about anything until it's happening' when she said this I thought 'wow, it's not just me who feels this way'...let me explain. I hate, okay hate is a strong word, I highly dislike allowing myself to get excited about plans, ideas etc because I feel like if I do they won't happen. Something will pop up and stop whatever it is before it's due to happ...

111. "I don't wanna be a human anymore, I'm done..." "Make me a robot" Tessa Violet - Make Me A Robot There are certain days when I feel like I'm just not that ready. I'm not sure how I will cope in the days upcoming situations or how conversations may make me feel. There are days when I will create the character of myself so others don't see the broken version of me behind. Do you have days like that?  Actually, thinking about it, I don't always have days like this, I can have a perfectly unperfect day with no problems yet I'll have minuscule moments where I need the mask of me to cover me for a few minutes. Just until I can turn around and wilt in my internal storm of slight heartbreak, utter embarrassment or any other unpleasant feeling my mind wasn't quite ready for. When the mask is on and the character is displaying a full award winning acting performance, I feel nothing and everything all at the same tim...

110. Do you ever want to write a letter. Not to anyone in particular. To a random address, a random person, just to see what would happen. Would they read it? Would they reply? Who knows.  People don't write letters anymore, everything is so easy with social media. I understand, why wait for a long time for a reply when you can receive one instantly? You can talk to someone on the other side of the world freely with zero issues, well apart from the occasional dip in Internet signal.  I remember being young and always wanting post from the postman, I never had anyone to send me a letter or a postcard but when a school friend would go on holiday and send me something in the post I loved it. It seemed so exciting. Now the only post I get is bills, and they are never exciting.  Can you imagine writing to a complete stranger? Ha isn't that what I'm doing right now? But in all seriousness, when a stranger gives us a compliment, a random smile as you walk pa...

109. I started my blog with the intention of building my self confidence, I wanted to put together a bucket list and slowly but surely cross each one off. I wanted to build myself up as a person, have stories to tell. It soon became apparent that my blog was destined for other things, I tried the popular blogger stuff of makeup tutorials etc but quite frankly, I'm much better putting makeup on rather than sitting and typing about my favourite products, it's much more fun that way. I soon realised the purpose of my blog was to give attention to the little voice in my head. The voice that over the years has hurt my confidence and self esteem. By giving it a platform I was able to release it all together. I now can see that I didn't need a bucket list to change me or build me back up, I just needed to quieten that voice by getting rid of it at dark times.  That being said, the darkest time so far, the illness and heartbreaking passing of my dear dad. Never would I...

101. A moment can rekindle a memory that happens so fast you forget to breath. Everything flashes back as if you are back there, taking in that air that has since disappeared. It can be beautiful...breathtaking.  A dream can feel so real it's as though you never slept at all. They are so powerful in their message that you can't bring yourself  back to reality. Maybe you just want to stay there? Or maybe you want to run all together? Only you and your dreams know.   Moments where life is completely still but completely chaotic. When there's nothing to do but 10,000 things to get finished.  Breathe... I looked at a photo and I was back there, I had a dream I didn't want to wake from. It felt so real. And I always do nothing when I have everything to do.  They are just some of the pleasures and perils of life...embrace them. Much love Beth xx

100 . 
 Why are we here? What is the point to this huge social experiment we are partaking in? You don't know? Yeah me neither. 
 You'd think for my one hundredth post it would be something inspiring, something I have spent a long time putting together. The truth is it isn't. I'm sat here with no reason at all to write. I have nothing meaningful to say...at least I don't think I do, let's just see how this pans out. 
 I have a confession, I've thought about stopping. I've been questioning myself about carrying this on. "What's the point" my mind is asking. My reply is, well, I have no reply. What is the point? Is the point egotistical reasons? Maybe, sometimes. Is the point to help me? It was and more than likely will be again one day. But right now, this moment there is no reason to carry this on. Not like I have been anyway. Trying hard to post something new each week. I'm enjoying the space from the pressure I found I created f...

95 . There's something about this time of year I don't like. Everything looks grey, maybe that's because of the rain, causing the ground and the trees to look darker. I always feel this time of year looks 'untidy'.  It feels like there's a lot of pressure this time of year. A lot of people set these goals in their minds for what they would love to do and achieve but the realisation that anything worth doing takes time can feel overwhelming. I think we sometimes forget that not everything in life is instant. Memories and achievements stem from work. Hard work, that in the end is something to be proud of. That feeling of accomplishment is something we all love to feel.  The dull days of January can make it difficult to remain focused. The cold days are boring. Why venture into the chill when we can be warm in front of the tele?  And then, before we know it a month or two has gone by.  That's why I don't like this time of year muc...

94 . I desperately want to write but I have nothing to write about. It's like my brain is teasing me, it desperately wants me to write something inspiring, something for me to be proud of but its not giving me the creativity and inspiration I need to actually write. Thinking about it though, I don't believe I will ever be proud of something I have written because if I was then maybe, just maybe I'd think there was no point to write anymore. I'd have nothing to push myself towards. But right now, I just want something to write about. I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs, I'm completely racking my brain and all I can think about is how terrible my handwriting is. Pointless when this is on a computer screen... You see I don't want to constantly write about sad things. Even though this is my outlet I just don't want to read these back one day and only see negativity. But with how this batch of writers block is going I may have no choice. This year I ...

91. In our life's we have invincible people. People who have always, in some sort of way, been there. And there is no way that they will never not be there, somewhere.  They are invincible.  They have a bubble of protection around them at all times and nothing will pop it. I don't believe I'm silly in thinking that. We get so used to each other how could anything change? Especially when that's how it's always been.  But then life happens, for some reason it doesn't like to be consistent, it doesn't like to be content. It thrives off the waves it causes to people, I guess to keep us on our toes. Make us appreciate what we have. But it seems that in a lot of cases to make us appreciate what we have, something bad has to happen. Something that smacks us so hard in the face we remain dizzy for a little while.  Why? Why must it do that? Why must it make our invincible people no longer invincible?  I guess people seem invincible because we h...

85. Are we truly seeing what is in front of us? Are we seeing the beauty in it?  I pass these fields each week during my forty minute bus journey from one place to another. They catch my eye each time. My music playing so loudly in my ears it seems to take over, causing my thoughts to go into overdrive about the depths of what life is, what my life is etc. I look at the fields that go on for miles and miles, and in the distance there is a whole city. Where thousands of people are. It's not until I look out at the fields I realise that we are the ants of this earth. Tiny beings surrounded by the chaos.  The fields are calming. To some they are only fields, those people are right, they are only fields. But if you really look, just stop one day and look out they show more than you would ever imagine. If you allow them too.  They show me that things aren't always so crazy. Not everything causes my mind to become busy and lost in the mist. They show me t...

84. Make a difference Write a masterpiece  Jump the hurdles Let you in Stop my running  Fight to stay Prove people wrong  Write a song Find I'm strong Find my voice Fly a plane  Be rid of pain Be confident Stop this front Stand tall Stop the fall Be something great Be remembered  Be proud Maybe I'll look back and think I won Just, maybe Much love B x 

83. It's strange how I sit here and write whatever my brain creates in the moment of writing to possibly absolutely no one. These posts reach an empty space on the Internet and who knows if people read them each time I press publish or whether people think 'not another one' and turn away from them.  I have zero plans for direction when I write, the words seem to just appear on the screen. It's probably obvious that this is my style of writing isn't it? My thoughts change route as I type. All I know is that something is in my mind and it wants to leave. It doesn't want to stick around. It niggles at me until I type words to release them from the empty space that's my mind. I don't know if people take the words on board, I don't know if people can relate. I get very little feedback. But that doesn't bother me. I don't write for feedback. I write because the words want to be gone.  Writing is my escape from life, it's my pocket o...