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I Don't Really Know What This Is


147.


I love the smell of freshly cut grass
I love when cherry blossom trees bloom
I love when old couples hold hands
I love when men show their vulnerability
I love people who are creative
I love seeing people with their own styles 
I love when people are passionate about things
I stupidly love teen rom com movies and programmes because they warm my heart
I love the idea of a soul friend, more than a best friend
I love the idea of being in a group of ride or die friends 
I love when people are supportive, understanding and caring 
I love music that has a story 
I love candid photographs 
I love real physical photographs 
I love memories 
I love when people can see beauty beyond the obvious 
I love when you listen to a song 100 times on repeat because it perfectly sums you up in that moment 
I love the fictional love story I write in my mind
I love seeing genuine joyous reactions from people 
I love so much


I wrote this list to remind myself that when my brain can only show me all the negative things, there's all this and way more that brings colour to my mind.

I've not written in over a year, I've not had a lot to say despite all the world's chaos. My brain can be chaotic enough without adding the worlds in.
A song came out in 2020 by my favourite band and a lyric in it says 'maybe I'm flawed, but I do exist' never before has a lyric stood out to me like this one does.

I have a house full of flaws but I'm still existing in this mad mad world. Yes, I may be having a identity crisis, I may not know who I am anymore but I guess I'll be a work in progress as the days, months, years go by.

I won't lie, I've felt a bit worthless for a while, like if I ran off somewhere not many people would notice. That's not true, some people would. I think I need to remind myself that value isn't measured in the amount of people you have in your life. Value and worth comes from within.

I have a tendency to live in the past, I miss the people and friends I had when I was in college, that time meant a great deal to me. But I'm not there anymore, that me isn't this me, those people aren't the people they were I imagine but whose people helped shape this person. Its a bit mind trippy but true. Like I say I'm a work in progress, like the rest of us.

A lot of moving forward and growing is reminding yourself of the nows and futures rather than the yesterday's and years ago.

Love,
2021 Beth
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