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40 Weeks and Some Truth

124.

I'm scared, maybe even the verge of being terrified. Am I wrong for feeling scared? For feeling completely out of my depth already? For even questioning if we should have done this? I feel guilty that I have that questioning, is it normal? 

I'm 40 weeks and 1 day over, baby girl still isn't here, she's not even showing any desire to say hello and I'm already scared, terrified even. You'll read this and maybe judge me, wonder how could I be so naive to think it's all going to be easy. Well I haven't, I know it's going to be hard work, I know our lives are about to change forever but 9 months ago I had time to ignore the enormity of it all. Now we are days away, literally every second of everyday could be the second it all starts. That's daunting!! 

I try not to expect I'm going to know what I'm doing when she's here but at the same time I don't want to look or feel useless, a failure. Everyone judges, but I don't want to be judged. How stupid. Maybe I won't care when she's here? It's hard to think that now because she's hidden, I haven't met her yet. All I have are my overthinking thoughts, the self doubt. 

I've been so excited about the fact I'm about to be a mummy but now that excitement seems to be dwindling because of fear. It makes me feel awful. I am excited, I'm just scared. I'm also worried about the effect being a parent will have on mine and robs relationship, we've been just us two for almost 9 years, I depend on him and he depend on me. We are best friends and somewhat inseparable, what if that changes? I don't want that love and bond to go away, I want it to grow and grow with the extra love for our baby girl. 

Like I said, I'm scared. I'm scared these feelings aren't normal, I'm scared this makes me sound ungrateful or not excited. 

I'm totally and utterly scared of the unknown that's about to begin. 



Much love
Beth x
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