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A Change of Direction

113.

I'm not used to this...

Used to this feeling of things going well. I'm not trying to be a pessimist I promise. I just think I'm programmed to question when things start to go well for a while. My brain freaks out waiting for something to go tits up or not to plan. 

I guess, well I guess I should explain. I have always grown up and taught myself to expect the worst but secretly hope for the best. I've found when I've mentioned things before they happen they fail and I end up disappointed. This has been the case since I was little so, yeah, I guess I've  programmed myself this way now. Sorry!  

As most of you know the last few years have been tough. Even this year started out rough. But somehow, the universe has changed things around for me. I've had a very good positive two months!! 

The luck started to change by being involved in a national charity campaign for MND which led to me being featured in the local paper, then during that time I passed my driving test first time, then I got a call about being on the radio a couple of weeks ago and now...well I'll tell you soon. But all amazing and positive things!! 

It's just been a bit mad!! 

With this amazing turn around, me riding the cusp of a very positive beautiful wave, I find myself doubting it all. Something has to give. Surely? All this good stuff can't be happening to me. It's not my 'normal' and if I'm honest I'm not totally sure how to handle it all. Not very well really, only last week I literally convinced myself something bad was going to happen to me by Saturday. I promise you I'm not mad but I think the overwhelming luck over the past two months got to me a bit. Or the little evil mean side of my brain was just wanting to poke fun at me and give me a scare. If I'm honest, I'm waiting for it all to go wrong. I'm waiting to fail. 

It's change you see, all this stuff and the stuff to come is change. I don't deal well with change. Even though all this stuff is much wanted and exciting change, my insecurities run riot with me. The little devil on my shoulder telling me to stick to what I know etc. NO!! I mustn't I need to embrace all of what's going on and enjoy it. Enjoy it for however long I have it for. I've got to stop convincing myself bad things will happen, that things are going to fail. If they fail, they merely fail. My life isn't over. But they won't fail will they? As long as I'm wanting these things to happen, as long as I'm happy and confident in these moments nothing can go wrong. If I look for failure, failure will find me so I've got to stop seeking it out. 

Yeah, so, that's what I'm going to do. But...I'm still not quite used to this.



Much love,
Beth xx
bethsblog90@gmail.com
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