146.
It's nearly the end of 2019, it's nearly the end of this decade. Sometimes when thinking about life and what I do I see it all as very dull, very simple and not a lot happens. But as I think back about each year of this past decade, things have happened, major things. It hasn't been as dull as I first thought.
I dont need to tell you this but I just deleted a whole section I had written. I was going to write about each year from 2010 to now and highlight what happened in that year but I wasn't liking how it was going...
In these past 10 years I have suffered with crippling anxiety leading to making myself highly reclusive, I crawled out of that and sought help. I got a job, I enjoyed that job, I gained confidence in that job, I felt liked in that job. I went on my first holiday abroad, saw things I'd only ever dreamt of. I got engaged. I got married. I lost my Dad. I bought a house. I got a new job. I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I got pregnant again. I had another baby. I got a temporary promotion. I became depressed. I saw some light and now I'm here...
I last wrote in April of this year when I was in the midst of a wave of depression brought on by the hormonal coil contraceptive. It got very dark very quick for a moment back then but I'm glad to say I'm climbing the hill of happiness again.
It's been an interesting 10 years to say the least. And for the last 6 years I've written things here, on this site. I admit I haven't written much recently but you helped when I was writing a lot and I thank you for that.
I wont be making any new years resolutions because I know they'll be forgotten about within a week and theres only so many times I can lie to myself and say I'll lose weight when I deep down know it isn't going to be happen.
What I want to happen in my life going forward, is for me to stop pulling myself down, I've gotten into the habit of making fun of myself, my size, my loneliness, all of my insecurities I'm displaying in full force but taking the piss out of myself so no one else will. And that's got to stop. I'm deliberately hurting myself (mentally) and I dont want too anymore. I need to grow confidence and believe that I am an alright person, I can be someone to have a laugh with. Just allow me to give myself a chance. I've been feeling a little worthless for a bit too long now I think.
I'd love to gain the confidence to sing more, I love singing but terrified if anyone hears me. I've posted a tiny snippet on Instagram before but nothing since. I'd just love to do stuff in the arts, singing, choir, amateur dramatics, anything to liven my brain up. I love all that stuff. Do you want to know something? Back in primary school the choir teacher was getting all the children to go to the piano in little groups to sing notes and if he thought you were good he'd ask you to join. He asked me, yes ME but because I was so crippling shy, I said no. That's the one regret I have. I should have joined that choir. If 7 year old me only knew!
So yeah, no resolutions just hope's I'll build myself up rather than continuing to pull myself down.
Gosh 6 years, we may not be at a decade but 6 years is good going.
Thank you,
Beth xx
It's nearly the end of 2019, it's nearly the end of this decade. Sometimes when thinking about life and what I do I see it all as very dull, very simple and not a lot happens. But as I think back about each year of this past decade, things have happened, major things. It hasn't been as dull as I first thought.
I dont need to tell you this but I just deleted a whole section I had written. I was going to write about each year from 2010 to now and highlight what happened in that year but I wasn't liking how it was going...
In these past 10 years I have suffered with crippling anxiety leading to making myself highly reclusive, I crawled out of that and sought help. I got a job, I enjoyed that job, I gained confidence in that job, I felt liked in that job. I went on my first holiday abroad, saw things I'd only ever dreamt of. I got engaged. I got married. I lost my Dad. I bought a house. I got a new job. I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I got pregnant again. I had another baby. I got a temporary promotion. I became depressed. I saw some light and now I'm here...
I last wrote in April of this year when I was in the midst of a wave of depression brought on by the hormonal coil contraceptive. It got very dark very quick for a moment back then but I'm glad to say I'm climbing the hill of happiness again.
It's been an interesting 10 years to say the least. And for the last 6 years I've written things here, on this site. I admit I haven't written much recently but you helped when I was writing a lot and I thank you for that.
I wont be making any new years resolutions because I know they'll be forgotten about within a week and theres only so many times I can lie to myself and say I'll lose weight when I deep down know it isn't going to be happen.
What I want to happen in my life going forward, is for me to stop pulling myself down, I've gotten into the habit of making fun of myself, my size, my loneliness, all of my insecurities I'm displaying in full force but taking the piss out of myself so no one else will. And that's got to stop. I'm deliberately hurting myself (mentally) and I dont want too anymore. I need to grow confidence and believe that I am an alright person, I can be someone to have a laugh with. Just allow me to give myself a chance. I've been feeling a little worthless for a bit too long now I think.
I'd love to gain the confidence to sing more, I love singing but terrified if anyone hears me. I've posted a tiny snippet on Instagram before but nothing since. I'd just love to do stuff in the arts, singing, choir, amateur dramatics, anything to liven my brain up. I love all that stuff. Do you want to know something? Back in primary school the choir teacher was getting all the children to go to the piano in little groups to sing notes and if he thought you were good he'd ask you to join. He asked me, yes ME but because I was so crippling shy, I said no. That's the one regret I have. I should have joined that choir. If 7 year old me only knew!
So yeah, no resolutions just hope's I'll build myself up rather than continuing to pull myself down.
Gosh 6 years, we may not be at a decade but 6 years is good going.
Thank you,
Beth xx
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