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My Mask and Me

111.
"I don't wanna be a human anymore, I'm done..."
"Make me a robot"
Tessa Violet - Make Me A Robot



There are certain days when I feel like I'm just not that ready. I'm not sure how I will cope in the days upcoming situations or how conversations may make me feel. There are days when I will create the character of myself so others don't see the broken version of me behind. Do you have days like that? 

Actually, thinking about it, I don't always have days like this, I can have a perfectly unperfect day with no problems yet I'll have minuscule moments where I need the mask of me to cover me for a few minutes. Just until I can turn around and wilt in my internal storm of slight heartbreak, utter embarrassment or any other unpleasant feeling my mind wasn't quite ready for.

When the mask is on and the character is displaying a full award winning acting performance, I feel nothing and everything all at the same time. It's impressive how my mind and body allow me to do this. I don't know about you but it's as though I've been split into two people. One of me is basking in the confidence I am spewing out to you, then the other me is overthinking all of the words said and doesn't have a strand of confidence about her. 

Recently, as in the last couple of weeks, I've noticed this about myself a bit more. As some of you may know back at the beginning of May I suffered a miscarriage, something I thought I had dealt with. However, recent thoughts have made me realise how untrue that is. 

A comment was made by someone about how "it'll be you (you meaning me) next" a very common pregnancy related comment that gets made when you are married without children. I kid you not, it felt like my heart got a good slap. I remember thinking "that was me" was being the key word. When the innocent comment was made I was on a video chat so, of course, the character made her appearance so no one would notice how much my body wanted to curl up and cry. It hurt. When I was away for the situation I spoke to Rob about how upsetting it was to hear that. 

You may think that I need to get over it because we can try again etc but in all honestly I'm scared to get pregnant again. Touch wood that experience wouldn't happen again but there's nothing I could do to stop it from happening. And that scares me. I don't want to have all the excitement for it to all come crashing down again. I don't want that physical pain again. But mostly I don't want us to be heartbroken again. 

Sometimes, I wish I was a Robot.



Love,
Beth xx

 bethsblog90@gmail.com
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