Skip to main content

My Struggle

88.

I wake up everyday and I fight an irrational fear that lives at the back of my mind. Some days the fight is a tough one, it turns me into a mess. Other days I seem to be calm enough to not let it bother me. But it's always there.

I have an irrational phobia to something people wouldn't even think about, but it's more common than you'd think. It makes me cry, it makes me itch, it makes me want to run away. And sometimes, only sometimes it makes me not want to fight it anymore, it makes me think it's about to win. 

It's hard to explain what it does to me, how it makes me feel. The only way I can explain it is imagine you are trapped in a room that has no doors, no escape and you are with your greatest fear, whether that be a spider or a clown. Just imagine that. How scary would that be? Now imagine that feeling you would feel, imagine feeling that feeling multiple times a day, every single day of your life. I know it sounds dramatic but that's how irrational this phobia has become, that's how much it takes over my life. 

I suffer with emetophobia, a fear of vomit. I know the face you are pulling, it's the face I see a lot when ever I tell someone this. It's a face of confusion and maybe a slight laugh at the ridiculous of it. It's okay, you're allowed to laugh. I wish I could. But to me it's very serious. In the past it's proven pretty serious. I've suffered with it since I was little, I remember what set it off. Don't worry I'm not going to go into details. But that trigger really did set off something major. 

My extreme thoughts get worse when my anxiety levels are high, say when I'm down or something has happened I don't like. But also the thoughts cause me anxiety, if someone says they have stomach ache or feel sick, or someone in their family has been ill, I feel myself tense up, looking for antibacterial hand gel, racking my brain to see if I might have touched something that they have as well. The thoughts have a field day in my poor sorry panic stricken state. It's quite exhausting trying to fight the thoughts, having to try and calm myself down, tell myself what will be will be. It's not like it's something I can avoid until I die. 

In 2010 I think it was, I got a lot worse, I felt like the only safe place for me was my bedroom. I thought that when I touched money I could feel the germs on my hands. I had methods to avoid touching things other people had. I'd cover my thumb with my cardigan just to press a button on a bus. I would use hand gel at any given opportunity. And in the end I just stopped going out, I made myself a recluse almost, I'd only go from my house to robs house and that's it. I had bad thoughts, (sorry mum if you read this bit) there were many moments when I just didn't want to wake up in the morning, I thought the option of not being around was a lot easier to handle than the option to stick around and be constantly scared of something so ridiculous. That's how damaging it became. In the end I sought help, I cried to a doctor then waited a year for therapy. At the time it seemed okay, it's like it gave my rational thoughts confidence again to sit in the forefront of my brain instead of them being bullied by the irrational ones. But unfortunately it didn't last long. 

I'm now back in a place I didn't want to be, a place where I know I need the help again. I'm not ashamed to admit that. At least this time I'm talking about it than keeping it all in like the last time. I don't know if I will ever 'get over it' I don't know what I'll be like when I have children, I have no idea so please don't ask me. Because they are the questions people always ask. I don't mind people asking questions, I completely get that people don't understand. I ask you this though, please don't tell me to just get over it. If I could I would have by now, trust me. 

I can only hope that one day, I won't have a battle go on in my mind everyday. Or have days where I shiver with fear. 

I can only hope.



Much love
Xxx

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My letter to MND

22. Dear you, I want to start off by saying I don't like you. From the day we have met all you have done is cause pain, you have caused misery! That is all you do for everyone you meet. You find them at their best and demolish their whole being. You break them down to the point where there is no fight left, but they will fight you until the very end knowing they will never win. One day they will win, one day we will all break YOU down so you're not here any more. None of us like you, but you bring us all closer together. You make us realise that we can't go on just floating by, you make us realise that time is the most precious thing any one in the world has got! And with that precious time we have to make as many wonderful memories possible, we have to tackle all the hurdles you throw at us so that you know we will stick together and fight you. I have the displeasure of knowing you, so many others have the displeasure of living  with you. For those I can't i...

Arsenal, Tears and Happiness!

26. We meet again my loves, how ya diddling? I'm good, I have two weeks off work now :D nothing major is planned...oh wait HARRY POTTER STUDIOS and bonfire night, I love bonfire night, the magic of the fireworks and sparklers is just so beautiful. I will definitely try and get some pictures of the fireworks and sparklers of the bonfire I'm planning on going too.  Is it just in the UK we celebrate bonfire night?  I'm currently listening Marmozets - Captivate You, I've heard this band quite a lot on Kerrang radio and just love this song, it gets me bouncing around in my seat. I downloaded their album and it's pretty belting I have to say! It was on repeat everyday this past week on the bus, a definite boost before work.  I don't know if I told you guys that my Dads best friend, Steve, contacted Arsenal (my Dad is obsessed) and explained his situation and how much he loves the team and always has done, and they wrote him back to say they would send Dad...

End of an era

 10 years...10 long but very fast years!! Okay, I admit, I'm late to the 10 year blog anniversary, like 7 months late haha but I've been busy. I can't quite believe I started writing on here over 10 years ago. About my Dad, who has now been gone 10 years as of only a few days ago! Which is mental. This pocket of space helped me a lot back then, and it continued to help a little while after but it's definitely time for me to say goodbye to this space now. It served me well back then, but like we all do, I've grown and found other things now that suit me better. You see, I couldn't express in real life how I felt back then, what I was dealing with watching my Dad with MND. So this was my voice. Then I realised oh wow I can say a lot of things here that I can't express due to fear or embarrassment and general learning things about myself etc. Who knew writing a few words on a few posts could help heal so many broken pieces. I'll always be pretty grateful fo...