88.
I wake up everyday and I fight an irrational fear that lives at the back of my mind. Some days the fight is a tough one, it turns me into a mess. Other days I seem to be calm enough to not let it bother me. But it's always there.
I have an irrational phobia to something people wouldn't even think about, but it's more common than you'd think. It makes me cry, it makes me itch, it makes me want to run away. And sometimes, only sometimes it makes me not want to fight it anymore, it makes me think it's about to win.
It's hard to explain what it does to me, how it makes me feel. The only way I can explain it is imagine you are trapped in a room that has no doors, no escape and you are with your greatest fear, whether that be a spider or a clown. Just imagine that. How scary would that be? Now imagine that feeling you would feel, imagine feeling that feeling multiple times a day, every single day of your life. I know it sounds dramatic but that's how irrational this phobia has become, that's how much it takes over my life.
I suffer with emetophobia, a fear of vomit. I know the face you are pulling, it's the face I see a lot when ever I tell someone this. It's a face of confusion and maybe a slight laugh at the ridiculous of it. It's okay, you're allowed to laugh. I wish I could. But to me it's very serious. In the past it's proven pretty serious. I've suffered with it since I was little, I remember what set it off. Don't worry I'm not going to go into details. But that trigger really did set off something major.
My extreme thoughts get worse when my anxiety levels are high, say when I'm down or something has happened I don't like. But also the thoughts cause me anxiety, if someone says they have stomach ache or feel sick, or someone in their family has been ill, I feel myself tense up, looking for antibacterial hand gel, racking my brain to see if I might have touched something that they have as well. The thoughts have a field day in my poor sorry panic stricken state. It's quite exhausting trying to fight the thoughts, having to try and calm myself down, tell myself what will be will be. It's not like it's something I can avoid until I die.
In 2010 I think it was, I got a lot worse, I felt like the only safe place for me was my bedroom. I thought that when I touched money I could feel the germs on my hands. I had methods to avoid touching things other people had. I'd cover my thumb with my cardigan just to press a button on a bus. I would use hand gel at any given opportunity. And in the end I just stopped going out, I made myself a recluse almost, I'd only go from my house to robs house and that's it. I had bad thoughts, (sorry mum if you read this bit) there were many moments when I just didn't want to wake up in the morning, I thought the option of not being around was a lot easier to handle than the option to stick around and be constantly scared of something so ridiculous. That's how damaging it became. In the end I sought help, I cried to a doctor then waited a year for therapy. At the time it seemed okay, it's like it gave my rational thoughts confidence again to sit in the forefront of my brain instead of them being bullied by the irrational ones. But unfortunately it didn't last long.
I'm now back in a place I didn't want to be, a place where I know I need the help again. I'm not ashamed to admit that. At least this time I'm talking about it than keeping it all in like the last time. I don't know if I will ever 'get over it' I don't know what I'll be like when I have children, I have no idea so please don't ask me. Because they are the questions people always ask. I don't mind people asking questions, I completely get that people don't understand. I ask you this though, please don't tell me to just get over it. If I could I would have by now, trust me.
I can only hope that one day, I won't have a battle go on in my mind everyday. Or have days where I shiver with fear.
I can only hope.
Much love
Xxx
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