365 days...

99.

It's been a year. 365 days. I'm not sure that's something I will ever be able to digest mentally. The sheer speed at which it has past. The realisation there's been no contact. No existence anymore. 

Not being able to see you in all that time has been possibly the only thing I've coped with because I can see you in my mind. In my dreams. What I've found difficult to comprehend is I haven't been able to speak to you, hear your voice or even send a text message. I still have you in my phone, your name is still in my contacts but the truth is that number will be someone else's now. I can't call. I've found those the hardest moments because I will always remember your face but your voice has become increasingly more difficult to remember. It's painful. 

I've thought about you everyday and recently you have been in my dreams. They are so bittersweet...I have to wake up. I wake up with the fact that you're no longer in my reality. Only mentally and subconsciously in my dreams. Can I pretend those moments are real? So I have a fresh memory of you. Can I tell people I was able to hold your hand one more time? Or do I sound crazy? 

I always saw you as invincible, you were never ill only hay fever every summer and maybe the odd cold but you seemed to be lucky with your health. I don't understand why you got the one illness that can not be fought at all. It doesn't seem fair does it? 

It all happened so quickly, too quickly. Seems like a blur now, I often have flash backs of moments that happened, things I thought I forgot. Although painful we were strong weren't we? You were strong. I wish we had more time. 24 years is a drop in the ocean if I'm to live a full long life. When I get to the age you were will I remember much at all? I just don't know. 

One year ago the way my heart worked changed. The way I worked changed. I was a full puzzle that lost an important piece. A part never to be replaced because that piece was you and always will be for you. 

Forever love

Beth xx