Be True

81. 

Good evening loves, how are you? I'm okay, I'm just sat watching XFactor, I'm having to stay up late tonight because I'm desperate to watch WWE Hell In A Cell which is at midnight. Are any of my you watching it? Or if you are reading this from the future did you watch it? What did you think? 

I want to write something that speaks to people, but I don't want to seem like a really miserable person. The truth is, I'm just really deep sometimes. I like in depth conversation and I like to write what is deep in my soul and sometimes that stuff is a bit intense and boring. I'm sorry. 

I enjoy writing poems that some may be able to relate too. I like to be honest with my feelings because I feel that's safe. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever sit in a daydream and question everything? I do. I question what my life would be like if I chose all the opposite choices to what I chose, not because I feel I have an unhappy life, I don't, I just wonder where I would be sitting in this very moment, what would I have be doing etc etc. Life is constant decision making, in both the smaller scale and larger scale. 

Everything is a choice, well almost everything. Unfortunately somethings would always be how they have been. Certain events would have always have happened. Crazy that isn't it? How we make our lives what they are with simple decisions but the major events will have already of been set out for us. No say at all...crazy.

I feel it's important that we do what we feel makes us the most happy. We shouldn't stop ourselves or change our happiness for the ignorant opinions of others. We should be our true selves. 

I should sensor my boring thoughts because of the worry of someone else, I should be allowed to express who I am, and if that means boring people than let that be what it is. It makes me happy. I won't fear boring who ever reads these post because it's who I am. So that being said...

I had a bad experience this week, I struggled with my anxiety again. This time it stopped me from going somewhere and also stopped my husband too. When anxiety starts to affect the lives of someone else you know it's times to get it sorted. I don't think I should carry on being frightened of myself. 

What I mean by that is I need to get this incredibly strong feeling of low self esteem and lack of self worth fixed. I need to stop putting myself down and letting my opinion of myself affect that of others. I do that, when I feel shit about myself I will criticise someone else, which is wrong!!! And the truth is it's either because I'm jealous or I see a trait in them I don't like in myself. But I should like myself, I don't think I'm a bad person, I just struggle. I struggle a lot. I wish I didn't. 

I cried this week, I said 'why can't I just be normal?' I am 'normal', this is my 'normal'. It's just a little different to some other 25 year olds.

The experience I had this week was I had an anxiety attack at someone's doorstep because they where having a party and we where late arriving and the sound of the people laughing inside filled me with fear. "I can't do it, I can't, I'm going to cry" where the words I repeatedly said as Rob pressed the doorbell. And with that I was in the car crying my eyes out asking myself how and why have I become like this?!?!? What is wrong with me?? But like I said, a lack of self worth and zero self esteem is what's wrong with me. 

If you take anything from my posts, please take this. Don't be like me and miss out because of the wrong decisions. Believe in who you are and put yourself out there. You will experience a much fuller life enjoying yourself and being true than fearing who you are. 

Much love

Beth xx