Autumn Changes My Mind and Soul

79.

I'm lost in the sound of the water. As it flows freely with only one direction for it to follow.

I'm lost in the music that each day creates. The birds singing and the wind rustling the leaves on the trees. It distracts me. A distraction that I beg to have. I need the distraction each moment. My mind is lost sometimes.

My mind is lost right now. I'm the opposite of the water. I have no direction to go in. I have nothing to follow, only my daily routine which pushes me when disrupted, it tests me. It's testing right now.

I hate the feeling when your body wants to scream but equally cry at the same time. My body can't decide and I can't direct it.

I wish I was like the water, I wish I knew where to go, I wish my life could decide where it wants to go.

Until I decide I shall lose myself further with the water, with the trees. I will appreciate what this world has to offer. I will get myself on track. I don't want to be lost. I don't like the feeling it creates.

Find me life, find me. I want to be found with stories. I want life to involve me. Not this pointless routine. It doesn't feel like I'm living.

Comments

In difficulty there is strength and laughter

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him. I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes. I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music. But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid. An influx of...

My letter to MND

22. Dear you, I want to start off by saying I don't like you. From the day we have met all you have done is cause pain, you have caused misery! That is all you do for everyone you meet. You find them at their best and demolish their whole being. You break them down to the point where there is no fight left, but they will fight you until the very end knowing they will never win. One day they will win, one day we will all break YOU down so you're not here any more. None of us like you, but you bring us all closer together. You make us realise that we can't go on just floating by, you make us realise that time is the most precious thing any one in the world has got! And with that precious time we have to make as many wonderful memories possible, we have to tackle all the hurdles you throw at us so that you know we will stick together and fight you. I have the displeasure of knowing you, so many others have the displeasure of living with you. For those I can't i...

My beautiful Dad

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible. Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. ...

Bethlett .

Search This Blog