The first Christmas

90.

Christmas is a matter of days now. The most magical time of the year. True but this year it's going to be painful for me. And so many others.

Since February this year it's been a year of firsts, each one effecting me differently emotional. In a matter of days it will be the first Christmas. He won't be ringing me up early in the morning to say Merry Christmas, I won't be seeing him on Boxing Day like I always used too. I will only have my memories of him, happy ones and of course bitterly sad ones. It's the first one, it's going to be difficult but each year will get easier. The happy memories will over power the sad by miles, I hope.

I've been feeling very emotional this week, a mixture of things but the biggest is the realisation of him not being here. I thought I was alright but I'm not. I miss him, simple as that I guess. It sounds stupid but it hit me this week that if I'm to live a full life I will live more of it without him compared to the mere 24 years I did. He will never see the person I'm going to be, he'll never meet the children I hope to have. He only saw the awkward years. The years I scrambled to discover who I am. I hope he could see the person I was becoming in our final months together. In a weird away his illness changed me, I see life differently. I see myself differently. I'm not weak, I don't always run away. He made me stronger.

I'm grateful for the 24 years, some don't even get that. But I will admit I'm selfish because I wanted more time.

You last said to me you were going to miss me, I can't describe the amount I miss you!

I've been saying that for children Christmas is the most magical time but for adults it's actually quite painful. I'm wrong in that. It can be painful for everyone, so for those of us where the pain is hurting us to tears, we must see the day in the eyes of those who are seeing it as magical.

We'll be okay.

Much love

B xx

Comments

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