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I don't like to talk about grief very much. I know last year I wrote about it a few times but I hold myself back from it a lot. The words 'grief' and 'grieving' are uncomfortable words to me. They are uncomfortable because when you lose someone close to you, they will never be forgotten about, the love and memories will always be there. And so they should. I feel those words put a label on feelings that should be felt and always will be felt. Whether they are felt strongly or not, your body needs to feel them.
I can't explain it very well. Maybe I shouldn't even try too...
The feeling of loss is always there. Sometimes it hits you in the face as though it just happened, other times it sits nicely in a corner of our brains. With time we learn to control it better. We hide it from others.
What I struggle with is when my brain wants to talk about it but the reaction of others silences me. Why does this natural feeling of missing someone make others so uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable of my uncomfortable grief and I don't understand why.
I tell myself to be quiet, I see in people's eyes they are bored whenever I mention him and to be quite frank that pisses me off. Why can we talk about the living but ignore the dead? They once lived, lives that we should be interested about. Experiences we could learn from. Plus if it helps talking about the loss of someone why must we shut it down?
I'm not saying everyone is like this, some like to talk. Share memories they have of their lost loved ones. I just had to get off my chest the feeling of feeing as though Im not able to talk about him randomly because of the worry of others reactions. Or let's say, lack of.
Much love
Beth xx
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