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Why I Fear Failure

114.

I was inspired today, inspired by a video by a Youtuber called Tessa Violet. Her video featured another Youtuber, who I'm slowly becoming obsessed with called Dodie Clark. Both are beautiful musicians who I'd recommend highly to you all. 

Anyway, they recently made a video together called 'why I don't get excited' on Tessa's channel and I watched it and so much of it resonated to me. I'd quite like you to just watch the video yourself rather than me explain it. It's not mine to explain. 

One thing that stuck out was when Tessa says 'I refuse to feel excited about anything until it's happening' when she said this I thought 'wow, it's not just me who feels this way'...let me explain.

I hate, okay hate is a strong word, I highly dislike allowing myself to get excited about plans, ideas etc because I feel like if I do they won't happen. Something will pop up and stop whatever it is before it's due to happen, leaving me disappointed...sad. I also feel like if I tell people about exciting stuff they are going to be left disappointed. What if they expect some grand story? What if they expect me to succeed but all I do is fail? What if letting everyone down lets me down? Breaks my heart. I can't deal with that, I don't know HOW to deal with that. 

I think I'm the same when people tell me they are proud of me. Why? Why are you proud of me? I haven't done anything that's worthy of you feeling pride for me. That's how I feel, that's how I've always felt. Even when exciting things happen and go well I seem to refuse to believe it, I still find immense fault in it all. Why? I don't know. It's weird, I want to succeed, but I don't enjoy succeeding. It makes no sense does it? I guess it's because I have no faith in what I'm doing, it's all just a fluke. 

I think I said in a previous post that a lot of things have been going well for me recently. Bizarre events that make my cheeks hurt because they make me smile so much. But I can't help but think, wait even, for it all to go bad. Almost willing it too I guess. 

People tell me they are proud of what I've done for MND etc but to me I just wrote down my darkest times. I haven't run ten thousand marathons and I more than likely never will. I haven't raised thousands of pounds or organised events, all I've done is write. To me it doesn't feel like a lot. It seems like nothing at all in all honesty. I'm kinda waiting for people to see how little I have done and not criticise but not be 'proud'. 



I don't know why I do these things. I don't understand where or when this all started...okay I do, that's a lie but I guess that's just for me. But these are thought patterns that I have installed since a young age. I think it's going to be difficult for my 26 self to alter them.

I wonder if you and others have similar feelings? 

Much love
Beth xx

 bethsblog90@gmail.com
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