9.
Currently listening to Smother by Daughter definitely my new favourite band!
Over the last few days my dad has been giving his Arsenal stuff away. My dad is a loyal avid fan to Arsenal so his football shirts, mug and ornaments are a bigger deal to him than what they would be to others, what they are to me. So for him to give them away to us has been baffling and shocking to me. All sorts of thoughts have been whizzing through my mind, I haven't understood why the sudden urge for him to give his stuff to us? I couldn't help thinking thoughts relating to the day that I wish to never come, but inevitably will...
I asked him today why, 'dad why are you wanting us to have these things?' and the reply I got made complete sense and the subject no longer had to be continued 'It's best to do it now instead of when I can't speak'. He struggles with saying his thoughts and it can take him a while to answer a question but there was very little struggle when he said that. It made me sit back and realise that yes, he is a very ill man and a very different man to the one I grew up with but he's still there.
I've developed a habit of talking to him as if he is a little boy, I try to make what I say more simple for him to understand, I try to make him laugh when mentioning a very sensitive subject but with him answering that question with that answer I realised that, his thoughts are still that of a 61 year old man, they just can't be articulated the same way a 61 year old man would articulate them.
His MND effects him physically but take that away, say he didn't have MND he would appear to be a very well man but the dementia makes him a very poorly man, a very vulnerable man because no one can see dementia its invisible to us. I am guilty at looking at someone thinking 'what are they doing?' assuming that they are 'normal' I now know that I shouldn't do that, no body should do that. Just because they look okay on the outside does not mean they are okay on the inside.
I find it hard to see how the dementia has affected my dad, I can just about cope with seeing the physical changes/struggles he is going through but my god, realising the roles have reversed from parent to child is very upsetting to me.
I feel as though I'm grieving for the person he was.
I have a completely different relationship with the person he now is. But, he is my dad and I love him unconditionally.
I seem like a very selfish person writing about things that I struggle with. I could never imagine in a million years how he feels. I can't imagine how anyone feels battling MND or battling dementia I can only write about things that I feel.
Much love
Beth x
p.s to leave a comment select the name/url option in the drop down menu
Currently listening to Smother by Daughter definitely my new favourite band!
Over the last few days my dad has been giving his Arsenal stuff away. My dad is a loyal avid fan to Arsenal so his football shirts, mug and ornaments are a bigger deal to him than what they would be to others, what they are to me. So for him to give them away to us has been baffling and shocking to me. All sorts of thoughts have been whizzing through my mind, I haven't understood why the sudden urge for him to give his stuff to us? I couldn't help thinking thoughts relating to the day that I wish to never come, but inevitably will...
I asked him today why, 'dad why are you wanting us to have these things?' and the reply I got made complete sense and the subject no longer had to be continued 'It's best to do it now instead of when I can't speak'. He struggles with saying his thoughts and it can take him a while to answer a question but there was very little struggle when he said that. It made me sit back and realise that yes, he is a very ill man and a very different man to the one I grew up with but he's still there.
I've developed a habit of talking to him as if he is a little boy, I try to make what I say more simple for him to understand, I try to make him laugh when mentioning a very sensitive subject but with him answering that question with that answer I realised that, his thoughts are still that of a 61 year old man, they just can't be articulated the same way a 61 year old man would articulate them.
His MND effects him physically but take that away, say he didn't have MND he would appear to be a very well man but the dementia makes him a very poorly man, a very vulnerable man because no one can see dementia its invisible to us. I am guilty at looking at someone thinking 'what are they doing?' assuming that they are 'normal' I now know that I shouldn't do that, no body should do that. Just because they look okay on the outside does not mean they are okay on the inside.
I find it hard to see how the dementia has affected my dad, I can just about cope with seeing the physical changes/struggles he is going through but my god, realising the roles have reversed from parent to child is very upsetting to me.
I feel as though I'm grieving for the person he was.
I have a completely different relationship with the person he now is. But, he is my dad and I love him unconditionally.
I seem like a very selfish person writing about things that I struggle with. I could never imagine in a million years how he feels. I can't imagine how anyone feels battling MND or battling dementia I can only write about things that I feel.
Much love
Beth x
p.s to leave a comment select the name/url option in the drop down menu
Its not selfish Abu xxxx
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not selfish for thinking that! You are very brave girl, Beth. This blog is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I was in London the other day and they have huge MND awareness signs in London Victoria train station. They're great :)
Written from the heart Beth xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteHugs from a new friend who you can talk to any time xx
ReplyDelete