Bethlett .

147 . I love the smell of freshly cut grass I love when cherry blossom trees bloom I love when old couples hold hands I love when men show their vulnerability I love people who are creative I love seeing people with their own styles  I love when people are passionate about things I stupidly love teen rom com movies and programmes because they warm my heart I love the idea of a soul friend, more than a best friend I love the idea of being in a group of ride or die friends  I love when people are supportive, understanding and caring  I love music that has a story  I love candid photographs  I love real physical photographs  I love memories  I love when people can see beauty beyond the obvious  I love when you listen to a song 100 times on repeat because it perfectly sums you up in that moment  I love the fictional love story I write in my mind I love seeing genuine joyous reactions from people  I love so much I wrote this list to remind myself that when my brain can on

146 . It's nearly the end of 2019, it's nearly the end of this decade. Sometimes when thinking about life and what I do I see it all as very dull, very simple and not a lot happens. But as I think back about each year of this past decade, things have happened, major things. It hasn't been as dull as I first thought. I dont need to tell you this but I just deleted a whole section I had written. I was going to write about each year from 2010 to now and highlight what happened in that year but I wasn't liking how it was going... In these past 10 years I have suffered with crippling anxiety leading to making myself highly reclusive, I crawled out of that and sought help. I got a job, I enjoyed that job, I gained confidence in that job, I felt liked in that job. I went on my first holiday abroad, saw things I'd only ever dreamt of. I got engaged. I got married. I lost my Dad. I bought a house. I got a new job. I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I go

145. I promise that the big gaps in my writing show I’m happy, instead of writing about the good times I just live them. It’s when I write you know unfortunately there’s been a dip in the road. So, here I am, currently walking through a valley. I say walking, it feels like I’m camping actually. In all honesty, TMI you may want to say, I had the coil fitted to stop the happens of anymore babies for the next 5 years. That was done in January and my mental health has been entering the pit I’m now in ever since.  I’m lost, totally and utterly lost. It’s horrible. I’ve had two big bouts of emptiness before in my life, the first time I was a young teen, my mum got very poorly and I just felt pain, the second time in my very early twenties, a phobia of mine heightened and I became a recluse. And then now, I feel no self worth, loneliness...empty, but I don’t think it’s real, I think the hormones this thing inside is creating are hurting my head. I feel like I’m a faulty puzzle

144 . I began 2018 finding out I was pregnant with my second child, 6 months after having my first child...crazy I know! But very much welcome and utterly exciting. So because of that the first few months of 2018 were me sitting on the sofa feeling queasy and the most tired I had ever felt. The first trimester exhaustion is truly shocking. I would tell people I physically hurt I was that tired. Anyway I thought after the first trimester it would be all smooth sailing like the pregnancy before, oh boy was I naive! 2018 became the hottest year that seemed to ever exist here in the UK and as a big girl anyway made even bigger because of growing a human the heat was overwhelming, I'm pretty sure even my eyelids  were sweating! Anyway the months went by and my eldest turned one! A day I couldn't believe arrived so fast it felt like I had only just had her. Watching her grow up has been incredible, hard work but incredible. Myself and Rob celebrated being together for 10 years,

143 . I’ve realised this Christmas that it’s such a bitter sweet time! I looked at my 18 month old open her presents with utter amazement and joy whilst I held my 3 month old, and I thought each year the happiness they will feel on this day will grow and grow and that will fill my heart so much. Yet, I felt a sadness, deep in my heart, that I carry everyday but it felt heavier, heavy to the point where over the Christmas days I just wanted to sit and wallow, the smiles felt forced and I felt like I had nothing to say. Silly really. In all honesty I shed a few tears over the Christmas days. Christmas is all about being with family, it’s creating memories with those you love the most so when someone is missing, even if like me, all you got was an early morning phone call, it’s missed more than ever. I couldn’t help thinking how many people find this time of year difficult, how many may find it quite lonely. But at the same time, trying their hardest to be happy.  I hope that if you

142 . I look at my girls and think ‘wow, I’m so lucky’. I admit I have a toddler who drives me crazy at times and a 11 week old who I worry about constantly but they are mine, I grew them, I love them so much. My eldest is learning words all the time, she’s growing into such an independent little being it’s incredible to witness, its shocking at how fast she is developing. I keep thinking about who she’s going to be when she’s older, what is she going to find interesting. I hope she’ll be happy. Then I look at my little fresh one and I can’t believe 11 weeks have passed already, I’m excited for every milestone that she’ll go through, when she learns to sit up, crawl, walk and start saying her first words. I wonder if ‘hiya’ will be her favourite word just like her sister.  I’m blessed. I get sad at times, I’m sad my Dad isn’t here to meet them, hold them and grow a bond with them. I wonder how he would have felt that his youngest child now has two children of her own. You don’t