Bethlett .

103. Hello old friend...let's face it, you never really go away do you?  You seem to have appeared again today. Something I wasn't expecting. Why do you sit in the background for so long? Why do you just appear? When are you going to leave me alone? I have an illness that can't be seen I have an illness some people don't believe, something that makes me crumble, makes me sad and makes me want to run away. But I can't run, because you follow me old friend.  Why do you create a storm in my brain? I feel like you laugh while you do it. You know the results of your presence and you love to carry on...I hate it. You make me so weak. You've took and you continue to take my life. The things I enjoy, you've replaced them with crippling fear. A fear of something so irrational it makes others laugh. Sometimes I laugh about it to myself, I laugh at how stupid it is. But you won't let me forget it. You don't let me think straight, my tornado brain is a...

102. I don't like to talk about grief very much. I know last year I wrote about it a few times but I hold myself back from it a lot. The words 'grief' and 'grieving' are uncomfortable words to me. They are uncomfortable because when you lose someone close to you, they will never be forgotten about, the love and memories will always be there. And so they should. I feel those words put a label on feelings that should be felt and always will be felt. Whether they are felt strongly or not, your body needs to feel them.   I can't explain it very well. Maybe I shouldn't even try too... The feeling of loss is always there. Sometimes it hits you in the face as though it just happened, other times it sits nicely in a corner of our brains.  With time we learn to control it better. We hide it from others.  What I struggle with is when my brain wants to talk about it but the reaction of others silences me. Why does this natural feeling of missing someon...

101. A moment can rekindle a memory that happens so fast you forget to breath. Everything flashes back as if you are back there, taking in that air that has since disappeared. It can be beautiful...breathtaking.  A dream can feel so real it's as though you never slept at all. They are so powerful in their message that you can't bring yourself  back to reality. Maybe you just want to stay there? Or maybe you want to run all together? Only you and your dreams know.   Moments where life is completely still but completely chaotic. When there's nothing to do but 10,000 things to get finished.  Breathe... I looked at a photo and I was back there, I had a dream I didn't want to wake from. It felt so real. And I always do nothing when I have everything to do.  They are just some of the pleasures and perils of life...embrace them. Much love Beth xx

100 . 
 Why are we here? What is the point to this huge social experiment we are partaking in? You don't know? Yeah me neither. 
 You'd think for my one hundredth post it would be something inspiring, something I have spent a long time putting together. The truth is it isn't. I'm sat here with no reason at all to write. I have nothing meaningful to say...at least I don't think I do, let's just see how this pans out. 
 I have a confession, I've thought about stopping. I've been questioning myself about carrying this on. "What's the point" my mind is asking. My reply is, well, I have no reply. What is the point? Is the point egotistical reasons? Maybe, sometimes. Is the point to help me? It was and more than likely will be again one day. But right now, this moment there is no reason to carry this on. Not like I have been anyway. Trying hard to post something new each week. I'm enjoying the space from the pressure I found I created f...