Bethlett .

59. Hello my loves, I hope you guys are still interested in my blog. I know I haven't wrote to you for a month now but I think I needed some time, time to calm down a little bit. The last time we spoke I was a ball of anxiety and I was struggling but I feel now that the anxiety has fizzled a little bit and I'm feeling pretty okay.  I wanted to write again because I miss it, I miss the feeling that people are getting to know me a little bit. I miss voicing (typing) the voice in my head that never shuts up! And really I missed you guys. So, lets crack on shall we? This wouldn't be a blog post without me telling you who I'm listening to now would it?! JAMES BAY of course, woah I love this guy! So if anyone feels like buying me a gig ticket for him one day please feel free too I honestly won't mind :) I believe I told you guys me and Roberto bought a house, well we are now living here :D this is our third week in our little home and I absolutely love it. For quite...

57. My life wants to be lived My thoughts want to be heard My body wants to be free My life wants to be lived My mind wants to be clear My body wants to be strong My life wants to be lived My mind wants to be calm My body wants to be steady My life wants to be lived My mind wants to be rid of anxiety My body wants to confident My life wants to be lived. Hello my loves, I'm listening to Oh Wonder - All We Do, it won't be everyone's taste but I find it quite moving. I wrote this poem while listening to it. I've told you loves about my anxieties and what I fear, I don't have panic attacks but I do have anxiety, anxiety that stops me everyday from things. I had a light bulb moment one day last week and realised just how much I let my worries control my life. And I've noticed that the worries get worse when my mood is in a low place.  Someone offered me a bite of a hot cross bun the other day because I said I have never trie...

56. Hello my loves, it feels like its been a very long time since my last post but it really wasn't that long ago. I'm currently listening to a singer on YouTube called Rusty Clanton, his song Novels is such a beautiful song I just keep playing it over and over again. Please go and listen to it.  I sit here waiting for my hair to dry so I can curl it thinking to myself of all the things I want to say but realising there isn't much in my mind to put out there. There's no poems in my mind or profound words that I feel I must say but this is me so we'll just see how this post goes shall we.  ----------------------------- With all that has happened I feel very mixed up, it's like my mind keeps contradicting  itself and I'm not really sure what's going on. I feel like I'm in the room but I'm not there, I'm not paying attention but I'm pretending to be. It's weird and I don't know if people can tell. I wonder if the people arou...

55. I put my make up on to face the day But deep down I just want to hide away I smile to hide my frown But look in my eyes and you'll see I'm down I'll continue to laugh along But it inside feels wrong I'll join in conversation But my mind is full of confusion I want to feel like myself But something is missing That sparkle has faded in oneself It feels like I'm drifting I hope soon the pain fades That pain won't go in a matter of days I must remember your smile It will carry me for awhile I know you'll be watching me now I hope I've made you proud You wouldn't want me to cry So I promise you I'll try You will never disappear As I will hold you near In my mind and in my heart We will never be apart Much love Beth xx

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible.  Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. ...

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him.  I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes.  I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music.  But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid.  An influx of...

52 . How exhausting must it be to choke everyday, How scary must it be to be faced with food, How frustrating must it be not to be understood, How lonely must it be when you have no voice, How worrying must it be when you have no immune system, How frightening must it be to fall over for no reason, How annoying must it be to feel an itch and not be able to scratch it, How draining must it be to feel weak all the time, How upsetting must it be to feel your freedom slowly slip away? They are so unbelievably strong when they go through all of this, They are so unbelievably brave. People become the strongest versions of themselves when faced with great difficulty,   People become incredibly connected when their surrounded by a great communi ty. Much love Beth xx