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Overthinking, Tough day (sorry it's a negative one)

35.

Hello my loves, it's been a while since I've said that, I've missed it. Are you okay? I can't believe we are pretty much half way through November! Are you ready for Christmas? I've not bought a single thing yet, I best start shopping sharpish. 

I'm not in a great place tonight, I feel like things are all getting a bit too much and I desperately want to run away from it all, I wanna say 'f*** it' but can't. Sometimes things just get a bit much don't they? 

It's mainly brought on myself because I have this need to try and keep everybody happy, but of course, that's impossible. Why do this Beth? Why? Well self, I have no bloody idea!!!! 

I feel quite an immense amount of pressure and guilt. I feel guilt everyday over things I can't change but wish I could, about the amount of time I spend with my Dad and the lack of skill I have to try and keep him entertained. I feel guilt that he's in a home, that he is ill and recently that guilt has grown even more because of the time of year it is...I've never spent a Christmas with him so facing the fact that this year could be his last Christmas is extremely difficult to comprehend and also adds to that immense pressure and guilt I'm feeling. Coming from a split family, how do I possibly make sure everyone is happy with the plans for that day? 

I have guilt that I won't be spending Christmas Day with my mum, the person I've spent every single year of my life with on that day, that I'm not going to be with my brothers and having them both take the piss out of my head size and a very unfortunate misunderstanding from when I was 8 years old which without fail gets mentioned every year. Guilt towards Rob that I won't be spending the full day with him when it's our first Christmas as a married couple and guilt because of how selfish I sound right now! 

I honestly don't mind the plan to spend Christmas Day with Dad (I understand it may not come across that way) it will be nice to see him on the day because like I said, I haven't done before, I just want everyone else to be okay. (I feel like I've been overthinking this) 

I don't feel like I have the right to be upset about things, or the right to have negative feelings about things if that goes against what others think is right. Which in turn makes me feel even worse. 

Oh sheesh it's just shit! I've had a bad day I'm sorry guys, I spent a part of the day in tears because it all got a bit much and now I can't sleep. 

I'm sorry this is such a negative post guys I just need to get it off my chest. 

Much love, night night
Beth xx

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Comments

  1. Unknown17 November, 2014 09:19

    You have to take each day as it comes Beth whether it is positive or negative.
    Here's the biggest hug I could find for you. Xxxxxx

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  2. Dennis17 November, 2014 15:57

    Blimey Beth, breathe babe.
    You never please everyone, and I know how you feel about divided loyalties at Christmas. The first time Gabriel and I spent it with his parents was a real struggle for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dennis17 November, 2014 16:00

    Oops pushed publish instead of preview! Aunty Jean will understand that this year is going to be different for all of you. Millers first, yours and Robs first, and the sad fact it could be Uncle Rons last. Play it by ear, try not to plan too much, cos then you don't have the worry that it's not working out how you wanted x x

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    Replies
    1. This is me17 November, 2014 17:31

      Thank you for the advise. I was having a bad moment xx

      Delete
  4. Unknown17 November, 2014 21:57

    Hi Beth,

    Firstly after reading all that you wrote I do not think you have any reason to feel guilty about spending the da y with your dad, I mean like you said this could be his last one so of course you'd feel like you'd want to make his last xmas special and with his little girl?
    You and your husband will have many years after this one to spend it with him and your mum. I feel your pain and I understand how hard this must be for you right now. All I can say is , if you need anyone to talk to I am always here. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I do not think that you should feel guilty about how you are feeling, it's good to get it out on here this is your place to write about what you want. xox

    http://www.rainbowsandunicornsblog.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is me17 November, 2014 22:16

      Hey Marie, thank you for reading :) it's a constant battle to make sure im okay/hide im not and making sure my dad is okay, MND is the worst thing Ive ever seen plus the dementia as well it's just so difficult sometimes. So thank you so much for offering an ear when I need to vent :) I hope you and your partner are doing okay. Again if you ever wanna send me a message on Twitter or Facebook if you need someone to talk too I'm always there :) xxx

      Delete

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