Bethlett .

146 . It's nearly the end of 2019, it's nearly the end of this decade. Sometimes when thinking about life and what I do I see it all as very dull, very simple and not a lot happens. But as I think back about each year of this past decade, things have happened, major things. It hasn't been as dull as I first thought. I dont need to tell you this but I just deleted a whole section I had written. I was going to write about each year from 2010 to now and highlight what happened in that year but I wasn't liking how it was going... In these past 10 years I have suffered with crippling anxiety leading to making myself highly reclusive, I crawled out of that and sought help. I got a job, I enjoyed that job, I gained confidence in that job, I felt liked in that job. I went on my first holiday abroad, saw things I'd only ever dreamt of. I got engaged. I got married. I lost my Dad. I bought a house. I got a new job. I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I go

145. I promise that the big gaps in my writing show I’m happy, instead of writing about the good times I just live them. It’s when I write you know unfortunately there’s been a dip in the road. So, here I am, currently walking through a valley. I say walking, it feels like I’m camping actually. In all honesty, TMI you may want to say, I had the coil fitted to stop the happens of anymore babies for the next 5 years. That was done in January and my mental health has been entering the pit I’m now in ever since.  I’m lost, totally and utterly lost. It’s horrible. I’ve had two big bouts of emptiness before in my life, the first time I was a young teen, my mum got very poorly and I just felt pain, the second time in my very early twenties, a phobia of mine heightened and I became a recluse. And then now, I feel no self worth, loneliness...empty, but I don’t think it’s real, I think the hormones this thing inside is creating are hurting my head. I feel like I’m a faulty puzzle

144 . I began 2018 finding out I was pregnant with my second child, 6 months after having my first child...crazy I know! But very much welcome and utterly exciting. So because of that the first few months of 2018 were me sitting on the sofa feeling queasy and the most tired I had ever felt. The first trimester exhaustion is truly shocking. I would tell people I physically hurt I was that tired. Anyway I thought after the first trimester it would be all smooth sailing like the pregnancy before, oh boy was I naive! 2018 became the hottest year that seemed to ever exist here in the UK and as a big girl anyway made even bigger because of growing a human the heat was overwhelming, I'm pretty sure even my eyelids  were sweating! Anyway the months went by and my eldest turned one! A day I couldn't believe arrived so fast it felt like I had only just had her. Watching her grow up has been incredible, hard work but incredible. Myself and Rob celebrated being together for 10 years,