My beautiful Dad

54.

Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost.

I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight, he was truly incredible. 

Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real. It wasn't right walking into that room and him not sitting in his chair smiling back at us. I've realised over the last two days, how those little details we take for granted are the things I'm going to miss the most. I'm going to miss him calling me a wanker, I'm going to miss all the random noises he made. I'm going to miss his smile the most, that beaming great smile that showed all of his teeth and the sparkle which took over his eyes. The whole beauty of it, the beauty in which was him. 

I wish you could have met him my loves, you would have instantly loved him. Everyone who knew him thought so much of him. Whether they knew the old Dad who was a quiet private guy, who kept himself to himself or the man he became who smiled and laughed all the time, who found the silliest things hilarious. I'm glad that I got to know that side of my Dad, it was a side I never knew before, I feel I got to know the man he was back in his twenties, care free and enjoying life. 

He could have gave up that day in June when he was told his diagnosis but he didn't, he held onto his independence as much as he possibly could. Thinking back now I feel bad for wishing he would accept the help around him. He was stubborn but he was stubborn because he didn't want the MND and Dementia to defeat him, he didn't want them to define him.

In the last nine days of his life, he was still smiling, still dancing, still laughing. I believe he knew, from the things he said, how he said his goodbyes before his big sleep, I believe he just knew. I have some lovely memories from those last days, which seems like an odd thing to say but it's true.

If any of you take on the things I say I ask you to take this, life gives us shit sometimes, it's up to us how we deal with it. In great sadness we must remember to smile, we must remember to laugh. Death is a heartbreaking thing for everyone but it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. 

I'm beyond upset he's no longer here but so glad he is no longer suffering and I know he is wherever he wants to be having the greatest time ever, calling us all wankers for being sad and telling everyone to piss off.

Thank you for following me on this journey, thank you for all the support along the way and especially now. I promise I'll be smiling again soon, that's what he would want.

Much love
Beth xxxxxxx
 

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