In difficulty there is strength and laughter

53.

Hello my loves...

This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob)

On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him. 

I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes. 

I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music.  But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid. 

An influx of family and visitors appeared and continue to appear over the afternoon and into Thursday. Which for Dad was lovely because each person that walked through the door he welcomed with a huge smile. 

Over the afternoon of Wednesday and the days of Thursday and Friday he was still my Dad, still smiling, still saying I love you to us all. He still bobbed his head alone to his soul music. But he became so tired, fighting so much to still be apart of it all. 

On Saturday night into Sunday, he becoming increasing more agitated and restless, his coughing and choking must have been so exhausting for him. We all wished we could just take it all from him just so he could get some rest. On the night of Sunday I found myself saying to my brother that no one deserves this, no body deserves that amount of struggle and exhaustion. 

He has fought everyday since his diagnoses and he is still fighting now. I sit here now with him while he's snoozing away thinking how unbelievably strong he is, how he has never complained when he has had so much reason too. How he has smiled everyday up until today. And just how amazingly brave he has been. 

We know that time now is so very short but so so precious. Just sitting with him in silence while he sleeps means so much. 

Although this last week has been so emotional for us all, so tiring for Dad we have all managed to keep smiling, we have had giggle fits almost everyday. We have stayed strong for each other and been each other's rocks when we have our moments of sadness. 

When this time comes to an end I feel I can look back at it and see happiness, happiness through great sadness. Strength in times of weakness. 

Much love

Beth xxx