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I don't fit in!

66.

Hello my loves, how are you? My last post bizarrely got over 300 views!!! It wasn't even anything special but I am very grateful for all of you who read it, or maybe that one person who just pressed the refresh key a bunch of times 😝 

I want to address something with you, something you've all more than likely picked up on by now but I wanna talk about it anyway....

I don't fit it, I just don't! Socially I struggle, sometimes I think I've got the hang of it, I've mastered being interesting, being funny, being someone somebody else wants to hang out with but other times I feel like a lost pup, no sense of what I want to say, literally zero thoughts to be articulated for conversation. I turn into a boring blob of human existence. Why? Good question, I DONT KNOW!!!! 

At work I talk to customers as if they are my best mate, I don't know their names but for those few minutes I'm in their presence I'm the best version of myself. However...with people who actually kind of know me, potential friends, I have none of that, I am the blob of boringness. I don't understand why! I hate thinking that these potential friends only see this boring, ignorant, shy person which I'm not! I'm really not, well I hope I'm not! Yes I can be shy but I'm not ignorant and I don't think I'm boring. I think I just take a bit of time to warm up, get comfortable. But I don't know why I'm not like that with strangers at work. How and why can I speak to them better? 

Throughout my years, sounding like an old lady but stay with me, I've always been slightly a loner. I've had periods of time where I've had a group of friends but I've not been a good friend and I lost them, I admit my own silly fault each and every time but I find it difficult keeping friendships going. I seem to get to a point where I feel it drifting from me and because I know it's happening I don't try very hard to keep it because I guess that's when insecurities and all that jazz come into play. I dunno. 

I've found as well that maybe people don't get me, maybe they don't get my humour or reasoning behind what I say. I find things interesting that not everyone else does. My brother used to always say to me when Id be talking to him that all I say is useless information no body needs to know. There's no point to what I say. I find what I say interesting though, so surely someone else does too. 

I'm not saying I don't have friends, I do, I never see the majority of them but I do have a handful. One of which I met when I was 15, he has from day one understood me, found me funny, found my none interesting information possibly interesting. And I love that. He's that friend you don't have to see everyday or speak to for a long time yet it's never been awkward. Which is great. Having him as one of my closest friends makes me realise that I am likeable, people can understand me. I just have to stop doubting myself. 

As I'm writing this I'm getting quite emotional to be honest because it's something I think about daily, I notice those moments when I speak and the conversation dies or I speak and heads turn. I pick up on that so now I censor what I say, I double think it to make sure it's worthy of being said. I don't want to be a boring blob anymore. 

Maybe I over think it, okay, there's no maybe about it I DO overthink it. I need a good shake!! People do like me, I DO have friends. I can be boring but not everyone thinks I am. 

This stems from an anxiety filled mind after an anxiety filled day. 




Much love from a silly minded,
Beth xxx 


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Comments

  1. Anonymous01 August, 2015 00:50

    Your not alone, I'm like that too, as I write this now I am doubting you want to read it and you think im daft and usually that's my cue to delete but I'm going to leave it so you know, it's not just you, it's me too :-) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is me01 August, 2015 00:56

      I don't think your daft :) thank you for not deleting it because I like to know what others think. Xx

      Delete
  2. Anonymous01 August, 2015 08:37

    Beth. I can relate to this in more ways than you think. BUT. You should not self doubt youself. I am often paranoid about what other people may think and often hold guard on what I say.

    You are a genuinely likeable person who I can chat to freely at work without thought of judgement and I have never felt that your contributions to a conversation have been "uninteresting ".

    (A co-worker)

    ReplyDelete

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