69.
Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate.
http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html
In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same air as me, he was still living his life. The thirteenth day of each month makes me remember that he is no longer doing that. He has simply, gone.
I'm not saying that for the rest of the month I'm living my life forgetting all about him, sheesh, I could never do that. I think about him every single day, I miss him every single day but on the thirteenth I think about him a little bit more, I'll talk about him more. Because that's the only way I can keep him alive, by remembering him, talking about him, missing him.
Grief doesn't leave you, it simply becomes something you learn to live with, sometimes you can simply push it to the back of your mind but it will always pop right back up. Something silly will happen that will make it go 'HELLO I'M STILL HERE' it doesn't allow you to become complacent. It wants to be felt I guess.
For awhile I walked around, went to work, lived my everyday life but I wasn't 100% there, my mind was focused more on what had just happened. I couldn't feel normal like everyone else because I wasn't normal. At that time I had just lost one half of the two people who should forever be with you, the people who you never want to imagine not being there but my reality was I had just lost one and to me it was a big fucking deal. So I was distant, I wasn't fully invested in life. And for awhile the grief caused me to slip back into old habits, my anxiety levels grew and grew to a point I almost sought help again but somehow I managed to crawl myself back, I could see my irrational thoughts taking control and I didn't want them too. Today yes I am still struggling with the anxiety, I still have the irrational thoughts but it's so much better than what the grief was trying to do.
Something I wasn't expecting in these last six months was the feeling of jealousy, I know I'm going to sound like a bitch in this bit but emotions are emotions. I haven't felt the feeling of jealousy for a little while thankfully because it's a horrible feeling to have but for quite a long time in these last six months I've been extremely jealous of others who still have their Dad. When talking to people much older than me who still have their Dads, it would really get to me, make me kinda angry to be honest, not because I thought they shouldn't have their Dads but because I don't have mine and I want him here so badly. I have felt quite jealous towards my own husband, I'd think to myself how have I lost all my grandparents and my Dad at the age of 24? Yet Rob has both parents and the three out of four grandparents still at the age of 26. I couldn't help but get jealous by that. I couldn't help but feel selfish. Because I know that I'm very lucky to have had my Dad in my life for as long as I did, some people don't get 24 years. I'm extremely lucky to have my wonderful Mum and siblings. And I'm sorry my loves that I did feel that way, like I just said it was an emotion I really didn't expect to feel.
I wouldn't say that right now I am still completely grief stricken, I would say that right now grief shows itself in funny ways, I can't watch a scene in a film when someone dies without balling my eyes out. That happened last night whilst watching Saving Mr Banks, me make up was all over my face loves! Not a good look. I sometimes have moments of thinking to myself 'why am I ignoring Dad, why haven't I gone to see him?' then quickly realising 'Oh yeah' only last week I had an urge to call him randomly. I believe that without this blog, and without the people around me I would maybe be a lot worse than what I am, because I think I'm alright, I think I've done pretty well to be honest.
Much love,
Beth xxx
Hello my loves, I know I know two blog posts in less than 24 hours! I don't mean to bombard you it's just what I want to talk about has to be written today because I'm at work the rest of the week and I would have missed my chance. Let me first of all just say if you haven't read post 69 here is the link for you to do so :) I wouldn't want you missing out now would I? It's about the amazingness of daydreaming and imagination, so I really hope you enjoy and can relate.
http://bethlett.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/68.html
In three days time, Thursday the 13th August, the day marks six months since my Dad passed away, six months! The thirteenth day of each month has become a prominent day in my mind. It makes me realise that more weeks, days, hours and minutes have gone by without him being around. You see when he was alive I maybe could have gone weeks without seeing him and days without hearing from him but he was around, he was still breathing the same air as me, he was still living his life. The thirteenth day of each month makes me remember that he is no longer doing that. He has simply, gone.
I'm not saying that for the rest of the month I'm living my life forgetting all about him, sheesh, I could never do that. I think about him every single day, I miss him every single day but on the thirteenth I think about him a little bit more, I'll talk about him more. Because that's the only way I can keep him alive, by remembering him, talking about him, missing him.
Grief doesn't leave you, it simply becomes something you learn to live with, sometimes you can simply push it to the back of your mind but it will always pop right back up. Something silly will happen that will make it go 'HELLO I'M STILL HERE' it doesn't allow you to become complacent. It wants to be felt I guess.
For awhile I walked around, went to work, lived my everyday life but I wasn't 100% there, my mind was focused more on what had just happened. I couldn't feel normal like everyone else because I wasn't normal. At that time I had just lost one half of the two people who should forever be with you, the people who you never want to imagine not being there but my reality was I had just lost one and to me it was a big fucking deal. So I was distant, I wasn't fully invested in life. And for awhile the grief caused me to slip back into old habits, my anxiety levels grew and grew to a point I almost sought help again but somehow I managed to crawl myself back, I could see my irrational thoughts taking control and I didn't want them too. Today yes I am still struggling with the anxiety, I still have the irrational thoughts but it's so much better than what the grief was trying to do.
Something I wasn't expecting in these last six months was the feeling of jealousy, I know I'm going to sound like a bitch in this bit but emotions are emotions. I haven't felt the feeling of jealousy for a little while thankfully because it's a horrible feeling to have but for quite a long time in these last six months I've been extremely jealous of others who still have their Dad. When talking to people much older than me who still have their Dads, it would really get to me, make me kinda angry to be honest, not because I thought they shouldn't have their Dads but because I don't have mine and I want him here so badly. I have felt quite jealous towards my own husband, I'd think to myself how have I lost all my grandparents and my Dad at the age of 24? Yet Rob has both parents and the three out of four grandparents still at the age of 26. I couldn't help but get jealous by that. I couldn't help but feel selfish. Because I know that I'm very lucky to have had my Dad in my life for as long as I did, some people don't get 24 years. I'm extremely lucky to have my wonderful Mum and siblings. And I'm sorry my loves that I did feel that way, like I just said it was an emotion I really didn't expect to feel.
I wouldn't say that right now I am still completely grief stricken, I would say that right now grief shows itself in funny ways, I can't watch a scene in a film when someone dies without balling my eyes out. That happened last night whilst watching Saving Mr Banks, me make up was all over my face loves! Not a good look. I sometimes have moments of thinking to myself 'why am I ignoring Dad, why haven't I gone to see him?' then quickly realising 'Oh yeah' only last week I had an urge to call him randomly. I believe that without this blog, and without the people around me I would maybe be a lot worse than what I am, because I think I'm alright, I think I've done pretty well to be honest.
Much love,
Beth xxx
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