4.
Hello once again you lovely lot. I hope your all okay and have been enjoying all this amazing weather that we've been having here in the UK. I look slightly like a lobster because I thought I could sit out in the direct sunlight with no suntan lotion on (I'm very fair skinned so ultimate mistake). I guess I should tell you what I'm currently listening too, PEARL JAM! Their MTV Unplugged set from 1992 set. Eddie Vedder is perfection to me, if I could ever have the opportunity to meet him I honestly believe I'd cry, major idol to me :) HI EDDIE *waves* (a girl can dream)
I have mentioned that I get anxious about things so I thought in this blog I would explain what they are. Maybe some of you will be able to relate and give me tips on methods you have used to overcome them.
Right then...for as long as I can remember I have always been shy, in reception at school I would hide under the tables because I had no idea what to say or do around a class of about 20 kids, I was 4! That's young! I have always been tall. At the age of 4 my mum said I looked like a 7 year old because I was so tall for my age, so I guess I have always stood out when I didn't wanted too.
As well as being tall I have always been heavier than my peers, so again I stood out when I really didn't want too. I knew I wasn't like the rest of the kids in my class even at a very young age, I probably noticed around the age of 7, 7! That's young to start with having body issues, and when people say kids don't pick on things like that they definitely do! On top of being tall and heavy (I hate the word fat) I also had an under-bite, my bottom jaw stuck out a lot further than it should have which meant constant retainers and braces from the age of 10 till I had an operation at 18 to correct it. I would cover my face whenever I smiled or laughed because I didn't like how I looked.
In the last few years of secondary school my social insecurities really got strong, I was scared of going into shops by myself, I was scared of the people who served me because I convinced myself that they were judging me. As my jaw got worse I chose not to eat in front of friends or strangers so at dinner time at school I would just drink water and eat when I got home. I was always thinking people were thinking badly of me. I felt so embarrassed of myself I didn't want others to feel embarrassed. ILLOGICAL thinking!
During my time at college my anxiety levels came down, it was the place where I met so many new people and I just clicked with them. I never worried about impressing them I never tried to pretend to be someone I wasn't so they would like me. I was ME and they were themselves and I loved it. I made a fantastic friend at college who gave me the confidence just to be myself because she was always herself <3 Thank you x
My anxieties have come back a lot stronger than they were before, I have a phobia of sick, I know it seems weird but I do. A few years ago this phobia got so bad I pretty much became a recluse. I wouldn't leave the house unless I really had too. I wouldn't see friends which led to me losing them. When I would hold money I would think I could feel all the dirt on my hands and I would desperately wash my hands when I could so I wouldn't get ill. It got to a point where I was in constant fear about it everyday I had to seek help which I did, I went and saw a Dr who referred me for CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) the methods you are given to overcome the anxiety is one that you have to carry on teaching yourself and it's something I really do try to do. Everyday I am fighting this fear, it may never go away but I do leave the house now which is always a good thing. Just never be sick near me or complain of stomach pains and I'll be fine :)
I think very illogically, I think up scenarios in my head that aren't realistic but right now I can't help it. I fear sitting in a room with a lot of people, I fear cinemas, I fear shops, I fear walking past a group of kids. All because I do not want to be judged! As humans we do judge, I do to others what I don't want others to do to me I'm a huge contradiction.
I will always battle with self esteem and I will always have insecurities BUT it won't rule my life, I won't let it. Nobody is perfect at the end of the day. I am no less or more to anyone else in this world I can only be myself and you can only be yourselves so lets just embrace it and enjoy the time we have.
Much love
Beth x
Hello once again you lovely lot. I hope your all okay and have been enjoying all this amazing weather that we've been having here in the UK. I look slightly like a lobster because I thought I could sit out in the direct sunlight with no suntan lotion on (I'm very fair skinned so ultimate mistake). I guess I should tell you what I'm currently listening too, PEARL JAM! Their MTV Unplugged set from 1992 set. Eddie Vedder is perfection to me, if I could ever have the opportunity to meet him I honestly believe I'd cry, major idol to me :) HI EDDIE *waves* (a girl can dream)
I have mentioned that I get anxious about things so I thought in this blog I would explain what they are. Maybe some of you will be able to relate and give me tips on methods you have used to overcome them.
Right then...for as long as I can remember I have always been shy, in reception at school I would hide under the tables because I had no idea what to say or do around a class of about 20 kids, I was 4! That's young! I have always been tall. At the age of 4 my mum said I looked like a 7 year old because I was so tall for my age, so I guess I have always stood out when I didn't wanted too.
As well as being tall I have always been heavier than my peers, so again I stood out when I really didn't want too. I knew I wasn't like the rest of the kids in my class even at a very young age, I probably noticed around the age of 7, 7! That's young to start with having body issues, and when people say kids don't pick on things like that they definitely do! On top of being tall and heavy (I hate the word fat) I also had an under-bite, my bottom jaw stuck out a lot further than it should have which meant constant retainers and braces from the age of 10 till I had an operation at 18 to correct it. I would cover my face whenever I smiled or laughed because I didn't like how I looked.
In the last few years of secondary school my social insecurities really got strong, I was scared of going into shops by myself, I was scared of the people who served me because I convinced myself that they were judging me. As my jaw got worse I chose not to eat in front of friends or strangers so at dinner time at school I would just drink water and eat when I got home. I was always thinking people were thinking badly of me. I felt so embarrassed of myself I didn't want others to feel embarrassed. ILLOGICAL thinking!
During my time at college my anxiety levels came down, it was the place where I met so many new people and I just clicked with them. I never worried about impressing them I never tried to pretend to be someone I wasn't so they would like me. I was ME and they were themselves and I loved it. I made a fantastic friend at college who gave me the confidence just to be myself because she was always herself <3 Thank you x
My anxieties have come back a lot stronger than they were before, I have a phobia of sick, I know it seems weird but I do. A few years ago this phobia got so bad I pretty much became a recluse. I wouldn't leave the house unless I really had too. I wouldn't see friends which led to me losing them. When I would hold money I would think I could feel all the dirt on my hands and I would desperately wash my hands when I could so I wouldn't get ill. It got to a point where I was in constant fear about it everyday I had to seek help which I did, I went and saw a Dr who referred me for CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) the methods you are given to overcome the anxiety is one that you have to carry on teaching yourself and it's something I really do try to do. Everyday I am fighting this fear, it may never go away but I do leave the house now which is always a good thing. Just never be sick near me or complain of stomach pains and I'll be fine :)
I think very illogically, I think up scenarios in my head that aren't realistic but right now I can't help it. I fear sitting in a room with a lot of people, I fear cinemas, I fear shops, I fear walking past a group of kids. All because I do not want to be judged! As humans we do judge, I do to others what I don't want others to do to me I'm a huge contradiction.
I will always battle with self esteem and I will always have insecurities BUT it won't rule my life, I won't let it. Nobody is perfect at the end of the day. I am no less or more to anyone else in this world I can only be myself and you can only be yourselves so lets just embrace it and enjoy the time we have.
Much love
Beth x
You aren't alone. I've had issues with how I look, sound and how people perceive me. Being bullied all through secondary school didn't help. When I was 19 I was diagnosed with depression, was put on suicide watch 6months later after attempting suicide. Luckily since then I have not been that low and have since managed to train my brain into thinking positively instead of immediately going negative. In the last two years ive been diagnosed with anxiety disorders (including ocd ans suspected ahd). I still feel uncomfortable leaving the house and going anywhere on my own, avoid any confrontation with people, especially when going into shops. Thank goodness for the self service tills.
ReplyDeleteIn short I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I know we went to school together but haven't really talked since but if you ever fancy a chat just drop me a message.
Keep up the good work, a fab blog :)
Im sorry that the last few years have been tough ones for you but Im glad you are feeling in a better place now :) Thank you for taking the time out to read my blog. the same applies to you lou :) anytime xx
Delete