57.
Hello my loves, I'm listening to Oh Wonder - All We Do, it won't be everyone's taste but I find it quite moving. I wrote this poem while listening to it.
I've told you loves about my anxieties and what I fear, I don't have panic attacks but I do have anxiety, anxiety that stops me everyday from things. I had a light bulb moment one day last week and realised just how much I let my worries control my life. And I've noticed that the worries get worse when my mood is in a low place.
Someone offered me a bite of a hot cross bun the other day because I said I have never tried them before and within a second I was turning it down 'no thank you, my hands are dirty' the truth is yes my hands where dirty from handling money at work but my thoughts where 'it will make you feel sick, it will make you sick and touching it with your dirty hands will make you ill as well'. The likely hood of that happening was slim but those thoughts are in my mind constantly.
I'm desperate to lose weight, a lot of weight but I am so scared of trying normal foods that I haven't tried before because I'm worried about sick, vomit, feeling ill whatever you wanna call it. My phobia of sick, vomit, is called Emetophobia. It's a real phobia that quite a few people have, some of you reading this may be able to relate to it. This phobia controls my life. I wouldn't let another human being control my life but this irrational thought pattern in my mind wins every time.
And because of this phobia I have let it branch off in my mind and create pockets of anxiety all over the place. As daft as it may seem but is very real to me.
walking past a tiny group of people
going to shops
going bowling
going to the cinema
general socialising
having to wait for someone to fix something in the house
walking into the village
seeing old friends I've not seen in a long time
going on the bus
All of those and MORE make me anxious, make me feel short of breath, make me unable to look at people in the eyes, cause a nervous itch on my arm etc etc. Sometimes the anxiety is very strong, sometimes it's minor and may only last a few minutes but there isn't a day that goes by where it doesn't strike me. And a lot of the time it's because of the Emetophobia but I think 100% of the time it's caused by a lack of self confidence. The more down I feel about myself the worse all of this is. There have been moments in my life where I turned myself into a recluse because I was scared of everything, going on the bus and touching the stop button was something that would stay on my mind all day long because of possible germs. I never want to become like that again because it's not a life is it?
I don't really allow myself to have a life, I should be having fun and making memories but I struggle to let go of it all and just live. Only I can change this, me myself and I are the only ones who can stop this train of thought in my mind, only I can allow myself to be free.
I thought I'd write this not only for you guys but for myself, so that one day when things aren't as cloudy as they are right now I can read this back and think how well I've done to be living a life that I enjoy. I have no idea how long it will take until I don't feel like I have to make an excuse up not to do something or look at the ground when walking past a group of people while in my mind I'm convincing myself they are judging me. It could take months, it could take years, but there will be a day when I don't care and I'll just be ME.
People have all different types of anxiety, we should never judge someone for it, we should be there to help them through it.
Anxiety doesn't define life, We define life.
Much love
Beth xxx
My life wants to be lived
My thoughts want to be heard
My body wants to be free
My life wants to be lived
My mind wants to be clear
My body wants to be strong
My life wants to be lived
My mind wants to be calm
My body wants to be steady
My life wants to be lived
My mind wants to be rid of anxiety
My body wants to confident
My life wants to be lived.
Hello my loves, I'm listening to Oh Wonder - All We Do, it won't be everyone's taste but I find it quite moving. I wrote this poem while listening to it.
I've told you loves about my anxieties and what I fear, I don't have panic attacks but I do have anxiety, anxiety that stops me everyday from things. I had a light bulb moment one day last week and realised just how much I let my worries control my life. And I've noticed that the worries get worse when my mood is in a low place.
Someone offered me a bite of a hot cross bun the other day because I said I have never tried them before and within a second I was turning it down 'no thank you, my hands are dirty' the truth is yes my hands where dirty from handling money at work but my thoughts where 'it will make you feel sick, it will make you sick and touching it with your dirty hands will make you ill as well'. The likely hood of that happening was slim but those thoughts are in my mind constantly.
I'm desperate to lose weight, a lot of weight but I am so scared of trying normal foods that I haven't tried before because I'm worried about sick, vomit, feeling ill whatever you wanna call it. My phobia of sick, vomit, is called Emetophobia. It's a real phobia that quite a few people have, some of you reading this may be able to relate to it. This phobia controls my life. I wouldn't let another human being control my life but this irrational thought pattern in my mind wins every time.
And because of this phobia I have let it branch off in my mind and create pockets of anxiety all over the place. As daft as it may seem but is very real to me.
walking past a tiny group of people
going to shops
going bowling
going to the cinema
general socialising
having to wait for someone to fix something in the house
walking into the village
seeing old friends I've not seen in a long time
going on the bus
All of those and MORE make me anxious, make me feel short of breath, make me unable to look at people in the eyes, cause a nervous itch on my arm etc etc. Sometimes the anxiety is very strong, sometimes it's minor and may only last a few minutes but there isn't a day that goes by where it doesn't strike me. And a lot of the time it's because of the Emetophobia but I think 100% of the time it's caused by a lack of self confidence. The more down I feel about myself the worse all of this is. There have been moments in my life where I turned myself into a recluse because I was scared of everything, going on the bus and touching the stop button was something that would stay on my mind all day long because of possible germs. I never want to become like that again because it's not a life is it?
I don't really allow myself to have a life, I should be having fun and making memories but I struggle to let go of it all and just live. Only I can change this, me myself and I are the only ones who can stop this train of thought in my mind, only I can allow myself to be free.
I thought I'd write this not only for you guys but for myself, so that one day when things aren't as cloudy as they are right now I can read this back and think how well I've done to be living a life that I enjoy. I have no idea how long it will take until I don't feel like I have to make an excuse up not to do something or look at the ground when walking past a group of people while in my mind I'm convincing myself they are judging me. It could take months, it could take years, but there will be a day when I don't care and I'll just be ME.
People have all different types of anxiety, we should never judge someone for it, we should be there to help them through it.
Anxiety doesn't define life, We define life.
Much love
Beth xxx
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