The Truth

108.

In a matter of hours we enter Sunday, no big deal. However in those few hours we enter Father's Day. For someone who no longer has a father it's going to be an upsetting day. Yeah I probably won't cry, I might only say a few words out loud about him but in my heart, my heart will be aching a little extra tomorrow. 

Last year I remember being very jealous, I couldn't even look at the Father's Day cards that where displayed everywhere! And they were very hard to avoid because I work in a bloody supermarket!! This year, they haven't bothered me. I laughed to myself and my friend when I saw the last Father's Day card I got my dad. It was a giraffe that when you opened the card up its tongue stuck out haha makes me giggle just thinking about it. I remember it made him giggle too. 

As the days, weeks and months go by I wonder about what actually happens when you pass away. I wonder if he can hear me and see me or if he picks and chooses who to visit. Last year I would be slightly obsessed if I heard one of his funeral songs on the radio, or if I saw a white feather etc I just wanted to feel as though he was there. But that's one thing I will never ever know. That's one thing none of us will ever be able to know. 

It's crazy how we take everything for granted and how we only realise when it's too late. I'm putting this out there, if you think bad of me then that's your doing. My dad was not the greatest. I'm aware I've painted a lovely figure of him on these posts but he was a man who made many mistakes. He was a man who wasn't aware of what he had until it came closer and closer to losing it. By that I mean his children. He loved us, never say I don't think that but we weren't his number one. Something I know he always felt guilty about. And trust me when I say we didn't make it very easy for him sometimes. Sheesh kids are kids. Anyway, I feel that's why I get quite resentful about the amount of time he was in my life for. That's why I wish we could have got to know each other on an adult to adult basis. I'm at an age now when I could maybe understand why he did the things he did the way he did them. I could now ask him questions I was too worried to ask. I could get the answers to those constant unanswered ones. I guess I get resentful because I'm now an age where he would have been my friend, not just my Dad. 

I have fought a constant battle in my head since his passing. I love my Dad so much, I have always loved him because he's my Dad but I get angry about things, stupid really because those things can never be rectified, they are in the past. Time to let it go. But I guess just because a person is dead that doesn't mean I should pretend that they were a saint. I feel awful saying that but it's true. 

He was human, us humans aren't perfect and that's fact! I shouldn't have been a pansy about things that upset me at the time, I should have just grown some balls and tackled it head on. Then again maybe he shouldn't have done things to make me feel that way...just kidding, I'm not bitter at all...anyway. 

Happy Father's Day to all those dads out there. And remember kids, adults, anyone still with their parents around I guess, get the answers to your questions now. While they can answer them. 

Love Beth 

Xx

bethsblog90@gmail.com