Skip to main content

Hello Old Friend...

103.

 Hello old friend...let's face it, you never really go away do you? 

 You seem to have appeared again today. Something I wasn't expecting. Why do you sit in the background for so long? Why do you just appear? When are you going to leave me alone?

 I have an illness that can't be seen I have an illness some people don't believe, something that makes me crumble, makes me sad and makes me want to run away. But I can't run, because you follow me old friend. 

 Why do you create a storm in my brain? I feel like you laugh while you do it. You know the results of your presence and you love to carry on...I hate it.

 You make me so weak. You've took and you continue to take my life. The things I enjoy, you've replaced them with crippling fear. A fear of something so irrational it makes others laugh. Sometimes I laugh about it to myself, I laugh at how stupid it is. But you won't let me forget it. You don't let me think straight, my tornado brain is a joke to you. 

 Old friend why do you want me all to yourself? You've let me push so many away. You make me think of excuses so I don't have to meet anyone. Why do you want me locked in myself? What are you getting out of it? Do you want to break me completely? Do you want those silly thoughts back I had a long time ago? I won't let that happen. I won't let you win. 

 I have to find my strength again. I have to show you who's in control...me and only me. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to make others understand fully. I don't know how to lock you away. Or even at arms length. 

 The truth is old friend, you're not my friend at all...




bethsblog90@gmail.com
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This may upset you...

50. Hello my loves. WOW we've made it to the fiftieth blog post, if you're reading this one and you've read all of the ones before, thank you for sticking with me and my public diary entries. If you are new to my posts then Hello and welcome to my life, my little world of, well, I'm not to sure...this. I'm listening and watching Sia - Elastic Heart, I absolutely love this song and I love the video! It's so incredibly powerful , I watch it without knowing what it is that is keeping me so drawn to it (maybe Shia's body...) but seriously please go and watch it, don't read the comments of the video if it's the first time you're watching it and let me know what you believe it is portraying. I won't tell you what I believe because I don't want my view to alter what you may initially feel.      I feel like it might be a good time to update you guys on my Dad. By the way, everything I write is solely my feelings and from my point of vie
10 comments
Read more

In difficulty there is strength and laughter

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him.  I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes.  I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music.  But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid.  An influx of fa
9 comments
Read more

Our story with MND so far..

6.  These are my feelings and my thoughts, no one else's, just mine. In June 2013 my Dad was dealt the card of Motor Neurone Disease, a horrible disease. MND attacks the central nervous system and causes muscles to weaken and waste away. People with MND have to struggle everyday with activities that wouldn't have affected them before. It can be different with each person but sadly the outcome is always the same, there are no survivors, only true fighters! There is no cure... In some cases of MND the person can also have Frontotemporal Dementia. A less common form of dementia but nevertheless devastating. My Dad also has this... I first realised that something wasn't quite right around January 2013, my dad and I were sat in a cafe and he couldn't open a folded lottery ticket my exact words to him were "can't you use for hands or something" his reply was "no, my hand has got really weak" I asked him to make a fist with his right han
5 comments
Read more