Bethlett .

128 . I just need a hug I need to be told I'm doing a good job For my eyes to be truly looked into For my emotions to be felt I need someone to talk too Someone to laugh with  Someone to cry too Someone to be silent with I need a friend I want to be wanted I want to be appreciated  I want to be loved  Having a baby is the most amazing life experience to be blessed with but it's highlighted how lonely I am. It's highlighted the lack of friendships I have. I'd love to be classed as someone's best friend. Every one I've had has never lasted very long. Sometimes it's been me, at times it hasn't, it's just ended.  I've lost confidence with friendships. Do I give my all to be hurt in the future? Or do I keep a distance and forever have a longing for them?  Much love from a hormonal, feeling sorry for herself, over tired, Beth xx

127 . Now, this isn't a feeling sorry for myself post (although depending how it goes it may seem that way) or a post to make you feel sorry for me. This is a what the fuck is going on with my hormones type of post!! I am angry, like all the time angry. I know it's tiredness related because I am a total bitch when I'm tired. Anyone who knows me well knows that's the truth. So at the moment this bitch side of me is no longer a side, it's a full on overhaul!  I'm thinking that hormones is probably a big factor in this too to be honest. Let me tell you why... Not only am I angry all the time, I'm also having a battle with jealousy.  This is going to sound so bonkers and ridiculous I can already hear your laughter, however. Our baby girl Millie is Robs double, literally his twin! Eyes, nose, mouth even the shape of her forehead is all Rob, this makes me green with jealousy. When I was pregnant I stupidly thought she would look like me and my...

126 . Oh 3:30 in the morning, I'm getting used to meeting you everyday. A time I never thought I'd be very fond of in all honestly. Actually I'm not over enthralled to see you most days, i'd much rather be basking in the vast variety of my dreamland imagination. But it's just not meant to be right now. Instead I lie here on my bed trying desperately to settle my baby on my chest so that she can sleep for another 3 hours but more importantly, so I can sleep another 3 hours. Problem is, like now I'm being tricked into believing she has fallen asleep but I know as soon as I go to move this beautiful bean of life I've created, she'll be wide awake chatting to herself in her native baby language making it totally impossible for me to catch those much needed 3 hours!  Although in my mind I'm wishing I was in the position my husband is in right now, fast asleep, I do enjoy this quiet time me and the little one have together. Where she feels lik...

125 . Well...Millie Rose Howlett arrived! The little miss was born at 16:22 on Wednesday 14th June 2017 weighing a solid 8lbs exact! And my god what a quick arrival she made!! Let's start from the beginning shall we? So on the Monday I woke up at half past 5 in the morning with pains in my thighs, I wondered if they were the beginning of labour but I held off calling the hospital because they were bearable and didn't have any routine to them plus I was seeing the midwife that morning for my second sweep so I really hoped she was going to say that it was starting...she said the opposite! She said nothing was happening, I still had a very long way to go and I'd more than likely be induced as I was 8 days over by this point anyway. After that appointment the pains stopped so I was sat thinking GREAT (in a very sarcastic fed up tone) but then they started again that afternoon stronger than the morning but still bearable. I did get my mum to come to my house because we ...

124 . I'm scared, maybe even the verge of being terrified. Am I wrong for feeling scared? For feeling completely out of my depth already? For even questioning if we should have done this? I feel guilty that I have that questioning, is it normal?  I'm 40 weeks and 1 day over, baby girl still isn't here, she's not even showing any desire to say hello and I'm already scared, terrified even. You'll read this and maybe judge me, wonder how could I be so naive to think it's all going to be easy. Well I haven't, I know it's going to be hard work, I know our lives are about to change forever but 9 months ago I had time to ignore the enormity of it all. Now we are days away, literally every second of everyday could be the second it all starts. That's daunting!!  I try not to expect I'm going to know what I'm doing when she's here but at the same time I don't want to look or feel useless, a failure. Everyone judges, but I don...

123 . So in a couple of hours or whenever you read this I have just entered my 35th week of pregnancy. Oh boy it's getting close now!! The third trimester has been my worst so far I think. I don't want to complain or moan because I know how truly blessed I am to be in this position however it's been tough!  I had always heard that when you get near the end you are just willing it along, and I always thought 'why?' Well for me I can't handle the stress I'm feeling and the horrendous mood I seem to always be in. I literally can not control it! I'm not a stressed person, I'm not an angry person (apart from when I'm tired) so these feelings are just very hard for me to deal with. I know I'm being a bitch but I can't stop it. I want to be my old chilled out self again!!!  I think what it is, is, I'm nesting, I want a list as long as my arm done and I want it done now! We've had our bathroom redecorated and that was the...

122 . Week 26 and the third trimester is slowly creeping up!! Meaning baby girl isn't far away from making her dramatic entrance!!  There's just a few things I want to talk about. Pregnancy is a very exciting time but there are annoyances... I LOVE when she kicks, absolutely love it, however, there are times of the day and places in my body where her kicks aren't as appreciated. These being while I'm trying to get to sleep and her kicks that feel so low down I could almost shake her hands and feet! Oo they are uncomfortable kicks I tell ya! And when these types of kicks happen at the time I'm trying to drift off, well, it's just ANNOYING haha.  I love when she kicks me during the day, it's like a little hello every now and again, they kinda make me realise that I have this beautiful human growing inside of me yet it feels so bizarre. Something I wouldn't know how to explain. Occasionally when she's kicking my belly looks like it's d...